Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove.

Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely published pornographic newsletter: a marauding gang of drunk sluts scavenging small towns for attention after midnight.

Prurient Fiction.

Imagine a bachelorette party in the context of a show like Leave it to Beaver. Are you going out with your fiancee this weekend Wally? No I’m not, Beave. Because she’s going out with 8 of her friends to get drunk as fuck, act like a whore, and cry, fight, and slobber over anything with a cock.

Bachelor parties are the epitome of a healthy human society. Bachelorette parties are the opposite. What a fucking surprise it is that bachelor parties are just like this website: by men, for men only. If any women want in, prepare to bare your tits.

Here’s another joke. Do lesbians have separate bridal showers when they get married?

Answer: Who the fuck cares what lesbians do?

Men Are Better Than Women at Bachelor Parties

The problem with a bunch of women getting together and doing things on their own, is that with no man around to tell them what to do and think, they revert to their default behaviors of greed and bitchiness. Women are as short-sighted as junkyard dogs. The only thing they know how to do is eat and fuck whatever is in front of them. That is never more obvious than at a bachelorette party.

Bachelor parties are efficient, precision strikes of bonding and mantertainment. You can’t puke at a bachelor party without hitting a good time or a good dude, and the reason for that is simple. Men know how to put things together. Men know how to do things.

Women only know how to have things done for them.

That’s why women can be trained to make breakfast or whiskey and sodas for you — or to do your laundry and fold the shirts properly even though their mother taught them to fold shirts a different way. I don’t care how your mom taught you to fold them. They fit in the fucking drawers better this way.

Learn how to forget. That’s the secret to a successful relationship.

Women understand the concept of having things done for them so they can do things for you. Ask a woman to do something, however, like get her car serviced or rent a truck to move her bed and all her shit from one apartment to another when you’re already doing to be doing all the lifting and actual fucking moving, and it’s like asking a Chinese person to play Monopoly with you. He won’t know where to start.

Penis Shit

And what is with all the penis shit at bachelorette parties? Penis straws, penis cakes, penis cards, penis dildos, penis hats, penis wands, penis novelty sunglasses, penis candles, penis shirts, penis napkins, penis plates — I could go on.

Women are so immature when it comes to sex, a bachelorette party is their first desperate chance to enjoy something men have been enjoying for millions of years. The other genders sex organs.

Whether you believe in God or evolution, the only reason women were put on Earth was to have babies. Biologically, it doesn’t matter if Hanna Montana has launched two music careers and trained millions of girls worldwide to act like snotty little cunts — how fucking hard is that? She’ll never be more important than her ovaries. That goes for Hilary Clinton too, but Hilary never actually achieved anything, so she’s a shitty example.

Men have been celebrating women’s sex organs since the day we invented drawing stick boobs on cave walls. Women, however, are awkward delinquents about it.

Jealousy, Envy, and the Inability to Recognize Either One

There has never been a more concise description of female personal relationships.

At a bachelor party, no one is jealous of the groom. Fuck, it’s just the opposite! That’s the whole point of a bachelor party. You take the groom out one last time and try to convince him that he’s making a huge fucking mistake. It’s half wake, half wake-up call.

That was pretty fucking clever.

Bachelorette parties, on the other hand, are like buying an XBox 960 Mark 2 the day it comes out, inviting all your friends over for the night, and then only having bought one controller. What’s everyone supposed to do? Be happy that your obnoxious ass is about to have the time of your life?

If your friends are women, and that XBox 960 is a lawyer with blue eyes, get ready for tears, snot, and backhanded compliments.

If you think life is a cake-walk of freebies for women — and it is — then marriage is ten times that. Marriage is the Sucker Lottery, and when a woman wins it, all of her best friends know it and hate the fuck out of her for doing so.

Bachelorette parties are as many sobbing bitchfests and petty arguments as can be crammed into the maximum number of nights a woman can spend around her best friends — like two. Bachelorette parties are an embarrassing spectacle of the modern “independent” woman and a good reminder of why women shouldn’t bring cameras to a bar, shouldn’t have MySpace accounts, and shouldn’t ever be listened to regarding anything.

Women can’t even have fun properly. What could they possibly know about anything else?

The Smurfs

The Smurfs is one of the greatest cartoons ever made because it taught young people of the 80’s one very important lesson: women are irrelevant. They can’t do shit on their own, they can’t figure shit out on their own, and when left to their own devices, they will get picked up by Gargamel like oblivious retards every fucking time.

Men are just fine on their own. In fact, we’re fucking better off. Just because you have to use a toilet once a day, doesn’t mean you owe it any respect.

Manclusion

Bachelor parties are fun as fuck because they have to be. They end in a funeral. That’s pronounced “fun”-eral, as in the death of all fun for the poor sap who’s getting married off. Bachelor parties are where men get together and do fun and awesome shit because that’s what we enjoy. If it was up to men, fun is what we would have all the time. The world is our bachelor party. If a woman isn’t ready to strip, she doesn’t belong there.

The reason bachelorette parties are such shit is because women are shit.

Update: New Shirts!

I ordered 10

This entry was posted under Doings and Dealings.