Man’s Real Best Friend
Have you ever made beer? Probably. Your answer is “probably” not necessarily because of the question, but because you’re a man and women have brow-beaten men into answering with ambiguity over the course of several millennia.
“Yeah. This is probably me standing here. Why are you asking?”
Because why the fuck would she be asking? Ambiguity is good Manjo. Next question. Have you ever thought about making beer?
“Yes” is the answer to that. An emphatic yes. That’s because at least once in his life, every man has looked down at a glass or a pail of tasty-delicious brew and thought to himself, ‘where does it all come from?’ Just like a woman does when she looks at her thighs. I’m not sure because I have no frame of reference, but I bet the seat belts in Barbie’s Dream Mustang do not have a notch for Thunder Thighs.
Beer is a man’s true best friend and his only viable life long companion. Dogs don’t live long enough and women are for men what salt is to a slug. Alluring, shriveling death incarnate. Like the sirens of Homer’s Odyssey or a crumpled ten dollar bill in the middle of the road.
That’s why men invented beer. The powers that be didn’t provide an equal to man so he devised his own. A monument to all things man. A counterpart birthed in his own glorious image that gives constantly and consistently without ever asking for recompense. Just like a man. Beer is man’s gift to himself.
Let’s look at the positives. Beer makes all your jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive (something ugly women can’t do themselves because they’re too busy being feminists or “lesbians”). Beer is also cool and refreshing and a good listener — you have to drink a lot of them for that one to kick in, but it’s true.
My point is that men make beer and men drink beer for reasons that are so pure and manly that they make me want to stop writing immediately and go chop down a tree with an axe while I’m listening to political talk radio and telling my wife or girlfriend that I’m not dancing tonight or ever.
But I digress.
The reason I bring this up at all is two fold. Firstly because today is National Beer Friday, which is always the first Friday of October; and the second is to point out that there is no analog of beer for women. Women have nothing that sums them up in a nutshell in the same way that men have beer because there is nothing to sum up. Women would like to say each one of them is a beautiful flower or better yet or porcelain vase (completely empty inside, but beautiful), but I’ve never seen a porcelain vase in the shape of a bowling ball.
If women did have a beer analog, it would be crossword puzzles. Just a bunch of unanswerable, non-sequitur questions about nothing arranged in no order and for no purpose. Plus you have to wait a week after answering to see if you fucked up.
Here I’ve got a crossword for you.
7 Down: A fourteen letter word for feminists.
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That’s what I’m saying, Woody. Great link. It’s telling that the film industry doesn’t give two shits about women because as men we all know the first rule of mass media: give the people what they want.
-Dick
Imagine if they had a unisex award at the Oscars. Well actually, it turns out they do. It’s called Best Director, and if you’re a man, it shouldn’t be hard to work out who won it.
http://www.pubquizhelp.34sp.com/ent/direct.html
And Dick, you make a good point; one of the few industries now days that hasn’t been bogged down with equality bullshit quotas is film/theatre.
They would show wimmin at roundabouts coming to a halt, with no sign in site, they would show wimmin slowing down at traffic lights when they are green.
Amen to that, Woody.
It’s a good thing Hollywood only gives a shit about equality when it’s on the screen and not behind it. I don’t even want to imagine what swill would fill the theatres if the number of women directors approached that of their much better, male counterparts.
-Dick
I do work on film sets, crewing and directing on shorts and music videos. Now being on a film set is about helping out and contributing. Let me tell you something: never hire a woman to direct anything. The shit they pull is unbelievable
eg. one time it took 6 hours to direct a scene that was allocated 20 minutes. Why? Lack of planning and ineptness on the part of woman thinking about nobody but herself. Try lugging heavy camera equipment around London all day on the whims of an inept female. Not fun. Not fun at all.
My advice: don’t employ a woman for anything but stacking shelves at a supermarket.
Again with this hate. I don’t know why all the women around here seem to think that Dick hates them. All he’s doing is keeping things in perspective for all those men who have been brainwashed over the decades to believe that women are somehow their intellectual or physical equals. And how can we help but think about women? Their illogical rantings used to be confined to the home, but now that women have been thrust into the workplace like a Hun into a tea party, we can’t escape it.
For someone who supposedly hates women so much, you sure do spend a lot of time thinking about us.
How quaint.
-Dick
dude, if you hate women, then you must love men. why don’t you just admit it, and get over it? it’s totally okay. in fact, i think the world might be a better place if everyone embraced their homoerotic nature.
Is that an insult or a valid question? Because if it’s an insult I’m not even going to dignify it with a response.
-Dick
Dick, are you a homosexual?