Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
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All women are whores, but the younger ones today set a historical precedent for unbridled whoredom. Only a full scale Jihad can save them from becoming slutty, aborting, childless sacks of shit with college degress and jobs in the services sector.
Jacob if I were to go to the mall right now I could point out three irrationally angry women in about 10 minutes. Wouldn’t find any angry men though, because men actually know why they are there.
-Solomon
I agree with this article whole-heartedly. Nothing much to add to it as the men have all points covered.
With the issue of women’s’ fashion, ALL clothes available nowadays that a majority of women seem to buy (down in Aus land anyway) are nothing short of trashy and smutty. The only reason, and I mean THE only reason women would subject themselves to wearing and parading around in clothes like these is to grab attention - to place themselves on a metaphorical pedestal (riding on the high horse so to speak), only because they think they are special, glorious even…
…Well, you’re not, so get the fuck off the pedestal and come back down to reality.
That’s a really fucked name for a chick, Jacob.
*D3C*
Wow, you are so right! Women do things such as gaining weight, but men do the much more sophisticated thing of punching walls and getting irrationally angry! That is why men are responsible for most cases of spousal abuse, murder, rape, battery, and child abuse. They also are the main culprit in road rage incidents and men between the ages of 16 and 25 cause more accidents than any other group. I am so glad you argued so well that men are far better than females. God save us from the day when we judge people based on their personal attributes than gender like we do today!
You’re a mesiah!
-Jacob
This is my second or third favorite essay that I’ve read by Dick so far- and the comments are some of the best as well…
What about that play where 20 something people stab him to death?
Cool with me. I was just pointing out the obvious on you anyways.
Carry on with your painting of the toenails, plz.
wow. i’m not going to fight with you. that would be, you know, catty.
Zardoz and the other men on this site *are* funny.
However, you are not.
Also, your excuse of a blog makes me laugh. But not in a good way because of my aforementioned statement.
Lastly I believe Doubt’s views on your are most correct.
i know.
because while i like to wear clothes, i actually hate shopping for them. my self image is fine, and a diet is the very last thing i need. finally, while i actually own a treadmill, i’d rather go on a hike in the woods- which i totally did today- yay global warming!
The pen-ultimate opposite of posting on this site would be going to JCPennies , racking up on that post-holiday sale, then going to Jenny Craig to improve self-image, topping that off with a ride on the treadmill.
My only question is…why aren’t the women who post here doing that?
@Doubt- i’ve got to admit- you’ve got me pegged almost to a T- the stupidity, the shallow, superficial weakness- the pampered entitledness that comes with my complete lack of life experience-
all of it.
except one thing- see, i’m not so much a diamond girl. i much prefer pearl necklaces.
Ha, funny because it’s true.
ha! you’re funny. you’re right- i did forget my humor and grain of salt as soon as i saw that sentence- as i said nothing here has ever bothered me before. and Mr Masterson has made me laugh on more than one occasion.
k…gotta get back to my toenails :)
One way to appreciate young women dressing like sluts is that it keeps older women in line. I can appreciate the work young women do to motivate the older ones much in the same way I appreciate the man who bottled the beer I hold in my hand. I don’t want to fuck him, but he does produce something I enjoy.
Young women dressing like sluts encourages older women to do the same.
-Dick
Your mistake was in missing the dry flippant sarcastic wit. But that’s to be expected. Women operate better when things are heavily moistened.
am i mistaken in equating appreciation with liking? and we meaning men, including you? it’s okay- nevermind. i really do know you’re not a pedophile. i was being oversensitive.
As usual, a girly-girl externalizes her faults and stupidity. And once again, the very purpose of the entire article flies right over her head - or below her head, whatever makes her feel automatically equal to a productive member of society. You aren’t my equal, by the way. You’re actually inferior to me because you are:
1. Superficial and shallow
2. Stupid
3. Weak emotionally and physically
4. Have only yourself to blame for your lack of life experience
5. Are a pampered little entitlement whore
I could go on, but I’d bet money that you’ll just write off my observations on the proud vagina-haver on a site catered to men - which could perhaps explain why you fail to ‘get it’ - as just not being worth your time. On the other hand, we have plenty of time to look at shiny blood diamonds and paint our little toenails pink, now, don’t we?
That’s called being stupid, immature, and impatient, honey.