Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
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That looks like one for the forums Solomon.
Some would-be divorcées “lie in wait like a crouching tiger” to get their hands on those Christmas gifts - and to make sure they can collect on their spouse’s holiday bonuses, Felder said.
Thought it was divorce month, now here’s the proof.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01092008/news/regionalnews/splitting_time_ 556799.htm
-Solomon
That’s great Jenn.
I wish you well on your intellectual journey of learning how to fucking read instructions that are for your own fucking good from people that know better than you.
It seems to be pretty easy for you to slip of the wagon on this one….
January is divorce month? Hmm, that could be the result of family tension after the Christmas spending credit card frenzy. Woman spends all the families cash and credit limit on presents for herself, the kids, the cousins, sisters, brothers and neighbours, all of their collective kids, etc. Perhaps even on her husband too. Then the Utility bills and car/house payments come in on top of that. Financial stress levels go through the roof and she winds up sitting on the sofa eating iced vovo’s while he’s at work and the kids are at school, wondering why she didn’t marry a man whom could afford her a better lifestyle. After all, she deserves it. Solution? Divorce him because he’s being an arsehole about her living beyond their collective means. Ok, January being divorce month makes sense to me.
@At Jenn: Nothing shows lack of intelligence like making a fuss over “obscure vocabulary”. I make no apology for being well educated. Perhaps if you hadn’t dropped out of college you’d have something more useful to do with your life than making a fool of yourself.
@Sushi: Australian, and no, its not especially common among Aussies, it’s more a matter of being erudite.
Very good alen! I can definately see how instructions on a silly blog relate to the advice of a doctor during pregnancy…well done :)
Nice…when all else fails, call the bitch a cunt! Very classy! I will now take you very seriously actually read what you have to say!
Were the warnings the doctors gave your mother against drinking while pregnant supposed to affect her so much she obeyed?
… Obviously not….
She wouldn’t have been as awesome as she was if she always followed direction.
Actually, your mom was pretty boring….
“Men’s Issues”…funny…you sound like a feminist. I read the blog every once in awhile because I think it’s funny.
Yes, that’s because there are men’s issues of political concern, you stupid cunt. Unlike your UN, corporate and Government-backed feminist movement.
What do you call Systematic Wealth Transfer/Prohibition of Male Wealth through Divorce? The contractual absurdity which always inflicts damage on men that is No-Fault Divorce? Arrest without trial through Domestic Violence Law? 2 million men incarcerated in the US (that’s 1% of the entire US male population)?
These are all trends are laws which your fish-stinking Sisterhood put through Congress and Governments worldwide.
Not exactly a ringing endorsement there.
Dick, I think I have another explanation. Isn’t January divorce month?
-Solomon
I’ve noticed the same. I’ve actually seen women defend me suddenly on other sites.
“He’s not as ugly as you ladies think.”
Ladies? I said. Unlikely.
-Dick
Jenn, we take your insults and still go about the business of covering for all of women’s fucking up on top of our duties as well. That’s what we do all day.
-Solomon
@Jenn- i think he’s european or australian- they say whilst there.
I’ve got your sign.
You’re an idiot.
Intruder alert. Another typical modern whore that can’t follow directions.. O worthless skank how long til you become human? How long til you become half as wise as Lady XX?
you’re welcome to fugoff biotch
Also…what the fuck would you idiots do all day if women weren’t posting here so that you could throw your sad insults at them? Just curious…
“Men’s Issues”…funny…you sound like a feminist. I read the blog every once in awhile because I think it’s funny. I don’t read it religiously every day as if I have nothing better to do (hint:go outside once in awhile, or maybe talk to a person in real life) Also…are the words “No Women Allowed” on a blog really supposed to affect me so deeply that I would obey? Obviously not. I wouldn’t be as awesome as I am if I always followed direction. I am certain you have hit refresh at least 12 times to wait for my stunning rebuttal…so here you go nerd. Have fun and maybe try using some more obscure vocabulary so that I am more e-impressed with your nerdiness. (whilst? really??)
I’ve noticed the female trolling to be a bit down of late. This trend would seem to coincide with Dick’s appearance on dr. Phil. Faced with how wrong they were about everything about him perhaps they’ll just go away forever. Dare to dream.
-Solomon
Possibly the same kind of loser whom trolls around a men’s issues website in order to be confrontational and “start e-fights” whilst additionally refusing to mind the instructional demand of the owner and accept that you’re simply not welcome here.
Perhaps you ought to take your own advice :)
Hasn’t lolcats posted some new pics for you to giggle at or something?
Kill yourself. What kind of loser trolls blogs looking for women to start e-fights with? Isn’t there a WoW tournament you should be getting into?