Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
Related Articles:
January 10th, 2008 at 12:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3f7fd7321a8e1
That’s great Jenn.
I wish you well on your intellectual journey of learning how to fucking read instructions that are for your own fucking good from people that know better than you.
It seems to be pretty easy for you to slip of the wagon on this one….
January 10th, 2008 at 12:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Thought it was divorce month, now here’s the proof.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01092008/news/regionalnews/splitting_time_ 556799.htm
-Solomon
January 10th, 2008 at 12:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
That looks like one for the forums Solomon.
Some would-be divorcées “lie in wait like a crouching tiger” to get their hands on those Christmas gifts - and to make sure they can collect on their spouse’s holiday bonuses, Felder said.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 38395ab842ea1
@at Zardoz (at? at?) are you trying to confuse me? Whilst you are busy being erudite and reading Dick’s blog, I am busy working on my masters AND being super hot and awesome….so no matter how you look at it, I win. :) Cheers!
January 10th, 2008 at 1:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3f7fd7321a8e1
Jenn, just because you go to a 2-bit college, wasting money on a non-sense degree, and compare yourself to your fat friends; doesn’t mean you’re the least bit interesting to us.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: e9a92f0e06ea1
Reading that quote actually sickened me, Zardoz. I wonder if this means I am naive to the lows a woman will stoop to, or it’s just plain sickening behaviour.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 00e3f03865341
Win? Not really, if you have to gloat to nameless people online who really don’t care it’s only a sign of low self-esteem and loneliness? If anything you win pity and not much.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: a06373ee8c86a
No, January is the official man-divorce month due to the kick ass man-points you get by not allowing a woman to get a free ticket the rest of her life. 50,000 or so if I recall correctly.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
@Jenn: If you’re that easily confused, you must be doing a course in women’s studies. Master’s degree? Am I supposed to be impressed by that? I suppose “super hot” is useful if you plan to be a prostitute when you grow up. But I somehow doubt that that you are any such thing. In fact, your whole self-aggrandising parade smells like horse-shit to me quite frankly. Not to mention whoring for attention on a men’s issues website is the last bastion of the lonely and dysfunctional wistfully wannabe-princess.
I deem it far more likely that you’re grotesquely obese, too obnoxious to even have close female friends let alone male companionship, mentally disturbed, or just plain ugly enough to frighten children. Perhaps even your supposed educational studies are horse-shit too, and you’re actually a single mother college drop out operating a computer set up by one of the men you picked up at a sleazy nightclub when your mother was babysitting, whom chose to stick around for a while on account of the fact you were prepared to do anything in order to have a man’s ongoing attention.
The only thing “awesome” about you though, is your clearly demonstrated stupidity. No matter how anyone looks at it, you’re nothing but a puerile social waste product attempting to argue with a man that has no need to prove anything whatsoever. Best you save your ridiculous boyhood insults for your school peers, if you actually do have a scholarly pursuit.
Should you ever actually achieve something useful in society, then you might validly call yourself a winner. Until then, have half a dog biscuit and get the fuck off this website.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Perhaps both. Never underestimate the lows a woman will stoop to, especially if it involves money and their own self interest.
January 10th, 2008 at 3:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Oh my. That’s a fucking fantastic quote if there ever was one.
January 10th, 2008 at 3:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
‘Super hot and awesome’ — So easy to project on a blog. So very hard to convince Male counterparts in college unless they’re drunk. Another show of insecurity which is exactly what this blog is targeting. You don’t have to lie to convince us of your beauty.
– Sgt. Reyes
January 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: 44e6eae08303f
I believe she is trying to convince herself. But I’m sure some desperate mangina would build her ego to jump her bones. Of course in this virtual world and you can be whatever you want to be.
You go Whore.. I mean grrl!
January 10th, 2008 at 4:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
It’s bad enough they have to annoy any man around them in person; now they have to annoy the fuck out of any VIRTUAL man as well.
I wish there was a special ‘men are better then women’ test a woman would have to take before she’s allowed to post on this site.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
Oh a test like that would be easy. Just leave a simple IQ test as an entry form. LMAO!
- Sgt. Reyes
January 10th, 2008 at 5:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Exactly. Though, it wouldn’t hurt to ask a few questions that are demeaning to women (obviously they would be offended, thus lessening their score)… if that makes any sense.
January 10th, 2008 at 6:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
@Lady XX- you know, i hesitate to ask, but you can tell me please what exactly in my comments on this post demonstrates that i am stupid, shallow or superficial? again, i couldn’t be less interested in having any sort of argument with you- i’m just curious.
i’m also curious as to why if Mr Masterson and Zardoz weren’t rude to me, you felt you had to attack me?
January 10th, 2008 at 7:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 44e6eae08303f
A true or False test would work since most women hate the truth.
:)
January 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 44e6eae08303f
It’s discrimination that prevents women from going into mens clubs, schools etc. But it’s a woman right to have their own seperate clubs, schools et al.
Double standards r us
January 10th, 2008 at 7:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
That was my initial idea, but you worded it better-thanks.
*sigh*
You are just like the rest of them that do this bit: I call out a woman for being ‘unfunny’ or ‘dumb’ etc (just speaking the truth), but because I’m the female that just so happens to have the same mindset as the rest of the fellas here, I am lucky enough to get the sad sobbing dog eyes interrogation of “b-b-b-but WHY? Why would you say those mean things to me?’ And the answer is quite simple:
Because I can.