Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
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January 9th, 2008 at 3:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
Sorry, I’m on a roll here, and haven’t posted in a while.
Mr. or Mrs. [forbidden] Coderch,
First off all of that is pretty good incoherent rant which completely lacks the argument of the other side.
At the same time of women being “put on a pedestal” the contrary has also occurred to an exactly equal proportion OFTEN WITHIN THE SAME CULTURES AT THE SAME EXACT TIMES.
Yes the Greeks loved putting goddesses on their urns, yet the male body is displayed just as much if not more frequently. Also have we forgotten the Spartans and their love for homosexual activities with YOUNG SOLDIERS?
Also for the record the most beautiful of the Greek goddesses, Athena was born from the brain of Zeus…..the BRAIN.
Women rule men in the manner in which you utter because of chemical synapses which occur in the cerebrum and nothing more, the power is ephemeral and superficial. Biology can be overcome.
On the other side of the world, in Meiji Era, Japan granted you had the Geisha, you also had the same love expressed for young “squires” and “pages” as done in Europe in the dark ages.
Not to boast since I’m not a member of “those” leagues, but homosexual culture has co-existed with the natural lust for women and continues to do so, women hence do not own all, and are often laughable in the eyes of gay men who often out-do women in their own “fields” of fashion and the like.
I think it might be time to admit defeat.
And while your at it if you are a woman, give a man a BJ, and if you are a man, shame shame on you.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
And pussy does not rule a damn thing.
At least not as far as I’m concerned.
I may not get laid often, but at least I don’t have any unwanted brats or psycho bitches trying to take money in which I don’t have (hey I’m a fucking student, haha)
I don’t regret not being a “mack” or anything like that, every time I enter an HMO for my physical or go to a government office and see hundreds of fat bitches pushing strollers and crack dudes next to them I wipe my brow in a cold sweat of relief my sperm has not propagated.
Not to mention all those lovely STDs which SUPPOSEDLY have no cure (hey I know the FDA hides stuff to conserve resources and propagate future revenue I’m not stupid)
Along with all the other “wonders” spurred on by having illicit relations like “boyfriends” and “husbands” built like linebackers that SUPPOSEDLY didn’t exist when you were fucking her brains out but NOW DO, out of the blue.
Cost-Benefit analysis?
Survey says:
No.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
That’s not what I said, dear. This is what I said:
“It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it.”
-Dick
January 9th, 2008 at 4:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
As usual, a girly-girl externalizes her faults and stupidity. And once again, the very purpose of the entire article flies right over her head - or below her head, whatever makes her feel automatically equal to a productive member of society. You aren’t my equal, by the way. You’re actually inferior to me because you are:
1. Superficial and shallow
2. Stupid
3. Weak emotionally and physically
4. Have only yourself to blame for your lack of life experience
5. Are a pampered little entitlement whore
I could go on, but I’d bet money that you’ll just write off my observations on the proud vagina-haver on a site catered to men - which could perhaps explain why you fail to ‘get it’ - as just not being worth your time. On the other hand, we have plenty of time to look at shiny blood diamonds and paint our little toenails pink, now, don’t we?
That’s called being stupid, immature, and impatient, honey.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
am i mistaken in equating appreciation with liking? and we meaning men, including you? it’s okay- nevermind. i really do know you’re not a pedophile. i was being oversensitive.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Your mistake was in missing the dry flippant sarcastic wit. But that’s to be expected. Women operate better when things are heavily moistened.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
One way to appreciate young women dressing like sluts is that it keeps older women in line. I can appreciate the work young women do to motivate the older ones much in the same way I appreciate the man who bottled the beer I hold in my hand. I don’t want to fuck him, but he does produce something I enjoy.
Young women dressing like sluts encourages older women to do the same.
-Dick
January 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
ha! you’re funny. you’re right- i did forget my humor and grain of salt as soon as i saw that sentence- as i said nothing here has ever bothered me before. and Mr Masterson has made me laugh on more than one occasion.
k…gotta get back to my toenails :)
January 9th, 2008 at 5:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Ha, funny because it’s true.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
@Doubt- i’ve got to admit- you’ve got me pegged almost to a T- the stupidity, the shallow, superficial weakness- the pampered entitledness that comes with my complete lack of life experience-
all of it.
except one thing- see, i’m not so much a diamond girl. i much prefer pearl necklaces.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
The pen-ultimate opposite of posting on this site would be going to JCPennies , racking up on that post-holiday sale, then going to Jenny Craig to improve self-image, topping that off with a ride on the treadmill.
My only question is…why aren’t the women who post here doing that?
January 9th, 2008 at 6:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
because while i like to wear clothes, i actually hate shopping for them. my self image is fine, and a diet is the very last thing i need. finally, while i actually own a treadmill, i’d rather go on a hike in the woods- which i totally did today- yay global warming!
January 9th, 2008 at 6:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
i know.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
Zardoz and the other men on this site *are* funny.
However, you are not.
Also, your excuse of a blog makes me laugh. But not in a good way because of my aforementioned statement.
Lastly I believe Doubt’s views on your are most correct.
January 9th, 2008 at 7:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
wow. i’m not going to fight with you. that would be, you know, catty.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
Cool with me. I was just pointing out the obvious on you anyways.
Carry on with your painting of the toenails, plz.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: daf960c09d4ce
What about that play where 20 something people stab him to death?
January 9th, 2008 at 9:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: daf960c09d4ce
This is my second or third favorite essay that I’ve read by Dick so far- and the comments are some of the best as well…
January 10th, 2008 at 12:01 am - IP Man-Hash: d6d044c46bda1
Wow, you are so right! Women do things such as gaining weight, but men do the much more sophisticated thing of punching walls and getting irrationally angry! That is why men are responsible for most cases of spousal abuse, murder, rape, battery, and child abuse. They also are the main culprit in road rage incidents and men between the ages of 16 and 25 cause more accidents than any other group. I am so glad you argued so well that men are far better than females. God save us from the day when we judge people based on their personal attributes than gender like we do today!
You’re a mesiah!
-Jacob
January 10th, 2008 at 1:54 am - IP Man-Hash: f30e3e6668006
That’s a really fucked name for a chick, Jacob.
*D3C*