Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
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January 9th, 2008 at 10:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 0283c57058c84
Awesome, as always, and very true to life.
I’ve seen more fat chicks than fat guys, and even if I see a fat guy, a lot of times the dude is pretty jolly, like Santa Claus. Chicks whine and moan like they’re a beached whale. They also listen to Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance. It all equals to fail and fat.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:00 am - IP Man-Hash: f78d821cb12a8
You know what else makes women fat? My semen.
A regular shot of my nut goes straight to her gut. I figure it’s the body preparing for pregnancy. When a girl I’m fucking starts to get fat I just kick her to the curb for awhile, fuck a few of her friends and before you know it she’s back to a size fuckable again.
Oh, and not hitting the treadmill makes them fat too. Fatties should definitely hit more treadmills.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 44e6eae08303f
Another mantastic article!
January 9th, 2008 at 12:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
gosh. well, i’ve never been all that disturbed by anything i’ve read here before, but i must say your stated appreciation of scantily clad little girls gives me pause. i’m going to assume the little girls you ogle have at least reached puberty, so as not to be too sickened.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: d361f6c058cc7
Fuck off Sushi.
Great article Dick and very true. I dream of a world where women aren’t so fat. There would be many more fuckable women in that world.
January 9th, 2008 at 1:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Amazing, exactly how I experienced it. There was this pretty girl of 7, I was in her class and had quite the crush on her. One day she came right out and told me I was too ugly and unpopular for her to have anything to do with. I sat down to think about it and in a couple of hours resolved myself to major in all things academic. My marks shot through the roof. I won awards for the next five years, among them having the highest average in the school and my class. They took notice then, but it was only to ridicule me for coming out of it a better person (girls eh).
Fast forward to the ever awkward 16. I got a job working as a wading pool supervisor. There were two other girls there (big pool), so I took up my position as far away from them as I could and sat on the bench reading Dungeons & Dragons manuals. I was so into it, not just the fantasy but the math involved.
All of a sudden girls started coming up and trying to talk to me, saying I was cute and stuff. I shyly kept my nose in my books and refused to even look at them, assuming I was about to be the victim of some practical joke. This went on for weeks. Even at that tender age I was beginning to figure out what women were up to.
Then it happened, the two girls I worked with came up and unloaded an awful rant. Who did I think I was and how dare I ignore them for a whole month. I sat there dumbfounded not sure what it was I had done. I went home, looked in the mirror, and came to an awful conclusion. I wasn’t that seven year old gangly geek anymore. They were mad because I had refused them the one thing that no woman can live without: attention. They didn’t give two shits about me until they saw the other girls coming around, and the woman’s jealousy gene kicked in.
I’m 33 now and have remained academic about women and it has served me well. They do what I want when I want it, if they don’t I simply walk away which drives them crazy. This has got to be Dick’s best post ever, thanks man.
-Solomon
January 9th, 2008 at 1:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5d45ce8a911ab
Again, stated like reality was writing this article on it’s own. Masterfully done.
Been making loads of cash with my tech skills for years. Though, I’ve also been getting laid the whole time. Why not get the best of both world’s, I say.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7b2d081a727d6
Pussy is the Achilles’ heel of men. Men will always do as their masters(women) tell them to, because men crave sex like fire craves oxygen. Conclusion: all of the overwhelming physical and intellectual superiority of men over women nothing in the end, because it is women who decide whether men get laid or not. Women have all the power and they kkno it. I think it’s funny that guys brag so much about being physically stronger and having higher I.Qs than women, because all these traits were genetically so that men could better feed and protect women. In other words: to be better servants of women. Men have bigger muscles so that they can better hunt for prey - to feed women - and to better protect women - sometimes at the cost of their own lives, which men have always gladly sacrficed to save women’s - think night in shining armor. Men have bgger brains with higher I.Qs so that they can better plan strategies to acquire resources and to plan and organize social structures, again all to better feed and protect women. Guys, let;s stop beating on our chests with pride over being so much stronger and smarter than women, because we are truly the second sex. Look at how societies have always valued much more the lives of young women than those of young men. Even fathers gladly send their sons to war knowing what will happen to them, but they get all mushy and protective when it comes to their daughters. Men are hardwired to put women’s interest above their own, chivalry being it’s sociological expression.
P Coderch
January 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
You couldn’t possibly be inferring that mothers would dress their pre-pubescent little girls in “scantily clad” outfits, knowing full well that the sole purpose of dressing this way is to highlight sexual attributes and thus attract sexual attention, could you? That would be utterly sickening and wholly reprehensible. Surely such a thing is illegal..
Only the worst and most disgustingly degenerate mothers on earth could possibly do such a repulsive and irresponsible thing. You don’t really know of any whom would ever be so vile and luridly offensive with their own precious little baby girls, do you?
Next you’ll be trying to tell us there’s entire industries built around the concept.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
Ladies (technically not allowed here) and fellow Gents,
The man poses a point in which in my subjective experience, I wholeheartedly agree.
Except you and Dick forgot a couple of things.
1) Females in urban cities with large families will be doubly as fat as their suburban, smaller family counterparts. Why?
This is an international phenomenon in which I still do not quite understand, of all the places I’ve been to the dynamic is the same. Those in the urban environments with quick access to resources need not travel far and fail often to shed pounds, in other countries and cultures this factor is multiplied for women who gain weight more easily than men genetically for childbearing purposes.
2) Actually you are forgetting that most suicidal depressed people (at least the ones recorded by the medical industry/DSM survey “specialists”) are bulimic chicks and skinny, frail punk dudes. Nevertheless, the impacts for social withdrawal will contain 10x more implications for a female than a man.
3) Yes, even though I wasn’t very popular in High School I turned to other things which I felt I could “redeem myself”, mostly physical sports such as handball (especially brutal in the winter time).
Handball (similar to racquetball except you are using your hands with a ball made from a harder substance at the advanced levels, which is inherently manly and brutish.) was not for chumps, and those that didn’t have Christmas booty calls in December or Valentines day bitch arrangements in February burned calories of frustration on the court, pulverizing our hands and souls ingrained in the concrete court.
Anyways, enough reminiscing, the point being our unpopular female counterparts got obese, checked into a mental hospital or went on to have more physiological issues in college.
I guess the morale of the story is manly is the way to go?
Naturally.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Perhaps fatties have food to live for.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
Sorry actually I meant to say here that I noticed in other countries women’s traditional roles don’t allow them as much freedom as they may need to shed all that extra poundage, in addition to the fact that food (at least in Latin America) tends to be more fattening. The only reason more people in America are obese is because of the phenomenon called being “Fat yet nutrition less”.
There is a big difference between a “Hearty” individual and one that has slabs of cellulite hanging in the wrong places, and the discretion is made often in raising the child in the early stages in which most parents who are too young and unprepared effectively screw themselves and their child with a diet which is only fattening and poor in nutritional value.
Sorry, tangent! I should be a Bio-medical major, but the closest thing I’ll get to that is studying Law of the Health and Medical Industry.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29c419e926462
This is the world of women in a nutshell, sorry but I just had to re-state it. Solomon you’ve learned in only 33 years what it took the Romantic writers hundreds of soliloquies to ponder in which they still never figured it out.
For anyone new to the game, this is a paragraph that will definitely inspire something that will give you a head start.
For the record, and to provoke thought, I don’t recall Julius Caesar in any of the plays ever having to say the word: “ATTENTION”.
He merely stood on the podium and respect was given.
A model we should all aspire for.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: cde4d6da17a7a
well first of all- hi!
secondlyl, my comment was only expressing a feeling of ick that arose from reading words from a man who says he likes to look at ‘little girls’. i’m sure it’s a semantics issue, of course. he obviously means teenagers, otherwise he’s a pedophile.
it’s true though- some mothers let their daughters dress like sluts. heck, my twelve year old daughter is a girl scout, and her troop leader’s daughter was a ’sexy devil’ in last years halloween parade- bare midrif and everything- because, you know, nothing says girl scouting like satan. i was mortified.
you actually have to look very hard in stores to find clothes for little girls that are not slutty these days, though. i actually remarked to a sales chick at a store about the ridiculous lack of length of the shorts they are offering recently. i won’t shop there again, and i’ve told all her relatives they are not to take her there either.
to really raise a girl right these days, you need to shut off the television, turn off the radio, never buy magazines and pretty much live in a world that just doesn’t exist anymore. i mean, you put your daughter in girl scouts because you think it’s a quality orginization that espouses traditional values of community and service to others, but it turns out they now offer ‘glamour camp’. i’m not kidding.
i tell my girl all the time not to be a sheep- she doesn’t have to dress or act like everyone else. kids don’t want to hear that, though- they just want to fit in. i’m very strict with what she watches, wears and listens to- but she still comes back from sleepovers humming some skanky song like ‘my humps’.
we live in a very sick society, and there is only so much you can do to escape it’s influence.
i do all i can, though.
there are also entire industries built on making people fat…you should hear the whining have to endure about how uncool i am because i don’t allow soda or fast food. i don’t cave, but still…it’s freaking annoying.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
@Sushi: I knew the next thing you’d be telling us was that entire industries are built around the concept.
Seriously though, much sympathy for your struggle in raising a little girl to have decent health and proper values in our society. Few mothers bother to try these days, which is why the industries not only continue to exist, but flourish.