Ask Dick: Who’s The Manlier Role Model?
The following question was submitted to me last week by Mike.
Dick, who do you think is manlier: Carl from Aqua Teen hunger Force or Zap Brannigan from Futurama?
I looked those names up on the internet thinking they were war heros or rock stars or something of that nature. I discovered, however, that they are both cartoon characters. Nothing is more important to me than educating young men in the ways of their own manliness. If this site catered to women, I would have to say something like, “but not in a gay way,” because women are immature and fucking obsessed with everything being gay somehow. That’s what penis envy does to your brain.
Nothing should be more important to young men than having the manliest possible role model.
I spent a Saturday afternoon watching these shows of Futurama and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I now present my findings.
Attire
Zap Brannigan wears a man skirt and Carl wears sweatpants. That’s one Man Point for Zap Branigan. Man Skirts have been manly since the movie Braveheart came out in the mid 90’s, and they were probably even manly before that. Sweatpants are never manly. Sweatpants are something women wear when they’re 40 and trolling for fresh meat at the mall like the cougars they are. How undignified.
Sexual Proclivities
Carl frequently alludes to patronizing prostitutes. One time he tried to pay a prostitute with a five gallon jug of pennies. There’s a lot to be said for the symbolism and manbolism of that. Paying for a prostitute in pennies is a metaphor that says, “all women are prostitutes”. Are pennies somehow not good enough for a prostitute? If you pay a prostitute with a house and an SUV is that somehow not prostitution? Think about it. That’s one Man Point for Carl. Carl, however, looses his Man Point for nearly getting married in one episode. It doesn’t matter how Russian or how “paid for” she was.
Zap Brannigan cried after sex. Even with Sexlexia, that results in a Minus Man Point.
Conclusion
Carl has a mustache. Carl is clearly the manlier. If you want to make anything manlier, put a mustache on it. Go put a fake mustache on your car and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll have to beat the women away with a stick.
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June 4th, 2007 at 6:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 926a1904cecf2
Don’t forget, Carl is balding. How manly is that?
June 4th, 2007 at 7:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
Actually, that’s Zap’s uniform tunic. He doesn’t wear pants, skirt, or (probably) underwear, judging by his Kif’s expression while following him up a ladder. Zap is the ultimate commando commander.
June 4th, 2007 at 9:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 332638e2e4062
Nothing about a man expresses manliness like a bald head.
Notice how a bald head resembles a penis?
June 4th, 2007 at 11:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56d8ec1d6dc90
Perhaps the reason they are homophobic is because they tend to pick at their friend’s tits weither they’re at the mall or at home. Also, you won’t find many men taking ’sexxay’ pictures with their buds sitting on the bed in their underwear. It may be the in thing to do, but God may interpret it as a defiency of personality and character. I know, I know, what a slut thinks beats out God… wait, HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You sluts are just stupid stuck-up prudes. Yes, I know you pore over every word of dick’s site with a voracious case of penis envy something terrible. But hey, the condition female is a disease like any other save one thing:
you chose to be born that way. Can’t remember? Exactly.
So live with your bad decision. A mistake is a mistake.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 422940479a69d
About the facial hair thing, I think I’m developing a nice beard. Might get like a Craig david style (Goatee all around the mouth neatly).
June 5th, 2007 at 4:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 46a191bed91c8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFGXw8KlazE
This is a great antifeminist video on youtube for you to check out men.
June 5th, 2007 at 5:09 am - IP Man-Hash: 3c8b05bf321cc
“You sluts are just stupid stuck-up prudes.”
Can’t be a slut and a prude at the same time.
“But hey, the condition female is a disease like any other save one thing:
you chose to be born that way. Can’t remember? Exactly.”
Doubt, babies, let alone fetuses, do not have the cognitive ability to choose their gender. Enough with that tired line already. And nothing about being a female makes you “diseased”. The two genders are necessary and exist so that procreation is possible. One isn’t a diseased or deformed version of the other.
June 5th, 2007 at 5:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 3e4fe6a7e6d7d
The problem is that he can’t find a virgin? Is he worried about being compared unfavourably in the bedroom to other men? Seems like it, for where is the evidence that having sex with more than one man “pollutes” the birth canal? How stupid. In answer, women may as well make a video that says that men who have sex with more than one woman go on to develop leprosy and their penis falls off first. LOL I crack me up.
June 5th, 2007 at 5:35 am - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
Actually, Alex, I’ve known quite a number of prudish sluts. It results in a great deal of inner turmoil for them:
On the one hand, they’re obsessed with being a “good girl,” not sleeping around, holding their heads high, and talking trash about their slutty friends.
On the other hand, they have a one-night stand every month or so.
Then they run around whining and crying for the better part of three weeks. They feel guilty as all hell, not understanding how they could do such a thing, and then ultimately absolve themselves of any personal responsibility by blaming the man.
It becomes an emotional roller-coaster where they swing back and forth, depending on how recently they got laid. It’s extraordinarily annoying if you’re forced to be around them, because if they’d just admit they were a slut in the first place and embrace it, at least they wouldn’t engage in the idiotic self-flagellation afterward.
The worst of it is, since they won’t accept any personal responsibility for their behavior, they get very jaded regarding men. I honestly wouldn’t care very much, but women talk trash at the drop of a hat. The prudish slut ultimately becomes an endless gossip-stream of how damned near every man she’s known has somehow done her wrong.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: dcf90cb0dcfe1
prudish sluts: the perfect example of women having their cake, and eating it too.
Women are selfish. For example, they want dirty, unprotected sex with a complete stranger. They also want people to think that they are “independent”, and “hard-working” respectable people. AND, they want people to feel sorry for them (another cake even!). Sorry that they can’t get what they want, even though they do.
SomeGuy(trying to be man-helpful but too naive to understand the whore): “Aww, I’m sorry that you can’t find the right guy.”.
Whore: “Aww, thanks, I can’t seem to find happiness”.
She already found happiness. It was behind a dumpster where she fucked a guy named Travis because he had a tribal tattoo. Why did she still complain? Because she got:
1)Sympathy from someone (selfishness)
2)Cum-filled (sluts)
3)A false sense of pride and dignity (prudes)
June 5th, 2007 at 1:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3fc23a42193c8
That’s funny shit, AwesomeDoer.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: f0b5f9decb40d
Wow nice to see your role models are from a bunch of kiddy cartoons.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 33b64bce6a7d6
Futurama is only a kiddy cartoon from your little pedistool.
I can’t wait to see you fall. That will be really a sight to see - as you crack your ankles with your platform heels and the jeering laughing croud below the stage quite literally consumes you entirely.
June 5th, 2007 at 3:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 33b64bce6a7d6
Doubt: Nonetheless, I am flattered by your attention. I never knew what I had to say could be so important to you. It’s good to see that I’m the one who wears the pants here.
5 Jun 07, 16:55
Doubt: Besides, I doubt you’d be willing to divulge what the word speehc is. Probably something that only makes sense in your decript mind. I like confusing you sluts - you’re cute when you try to think.
5 Jun 07, 16:53
Doubt: For the last part, I won’t explain it to you. I don’t like you.
5 Jun 07, 16:53
Doubt: That kind of talk will give you a good raping, little lady. Right in the ****, I reckon. You prudes get raped all the time. No one even looks twice, and the cops can smell the alcohol from a mile away
5 Jun 07, 16:19
fsf: hahahaha
5 Jun 07, 15:45
fsf: )
5 Jun 07, 15:44
fsf: why you such a female hater? i never did anything to you! (well a part from voice my opinion on the matter of us ‘whores and prudes’, but hey free speehc
5 Jun 07, 15:43
fsf: mmm and you seem to have a high opinion of yourself, do you ever think that your the only person? i think most people dont like you
5 Jun 07, 15:42
fsf: it doesnt take a whore to hate you, i reckon most people do anyway
5 Jun 07, 15:42
fsf: What does ‘whore i stiff thinks of me mean?’
5 Jun 07, 15:09
Doubt: See, what you think of me is right below what a whore I stiff thinks of me. And that’s very low.
5 Jun 07, 15:09
Doubt: that’s co.ck sucking lips. And no one gives a fu.ck what you think. You’re the kind of person who misses those things.
5 Jun 07, 15:08
Doubt: I ‘recommed’ you stitch your vagina lips shut, and your ****-sucking lips while you’re at it. No one gives a **** what you think.
5 Jun 07, 14:29
fsf: i recommed therapy
5 Jun 07, 14:29
fsf: actual psychopath
5 Jun 07, 14:01
fsf: That was not a compliment
5 Jun 07, 03:40
Doubt: http://drunkduck.com/bonafide
5 Jun 07, 03:40
Doubt: drunkduck.com/bonafide
4 Jun 07, 21:14
Doubt: Thank you. I appreciate the compliment, society’s slut.
4 Jun 07, 15:23
fsf: its always nice talking to yourself, first sign of madness
From my chat page. Seems quite mature for a little girl who calls adult swim shows ‘kiddie cartoons.’
June 5th, 2007 at 11:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 926a1904cecf2
Male role models are all over the place. Cartoons, space, chemistry labs, athletic competitions, where are the girls’?
That’s right. Nowhere.
June 6th, 2007 at 6:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 06aeb8be987ea
Strip clubs.
June 6th, 2007 at 10:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 1efed18bc64f6
Reality shows.
June 6th, 2007 at 11:31 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
How does one tell a typical reality show these days from a strip club? Or brothel?
-wolfe
June 6th, 2007 at 11:45 am - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
Just goes to show you that cartoons ARE for guys, and any pathetic attempt to make cartoons for chicks are lame. (Consider Power Puff Girls. Yak.)
Manliest cartoon role model: Brock Sampson on the Venture Brothers. Hands down.
June 6th, 2007 at 12:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: dcf90cb0dcfe1
I’m always amazed at how women can express such disastrous ignorance in such a small sentence. Let me break down the reasons of how stupid you are:
#1) You assume these tv shows are for kid’s.
#2) You fail to try and experience something before you pass judgment on it. For example: I assume you have never watched these, otherwise you would marvel at the brilliant comedy placed before and fall in love with it. If not, then that means you are incapable of understanding the shows (see reason 3)
#3) Your small mind cannot understand one (or more of the following):
i) Intellectual humor
ii) Big words
ii) Words other than “me”, “want”, or “cum-money”
#4) You fail to consider that the people creating great cartoons are adult males of considerable intelligence and have a gift for story telling and comedy. The target audience is similar minded/aged men.
Why do men enjoy these shows? Because men enjoy things that are great.
You are missing out.
By the way, sucking dick does NOT count as a role model.
June 6th, 2007 at 12:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: dcf90cb0dcfe1
Sam, you are absolutely right.
Brock is the most man-core man that ever did man.
June 7th, 2007 at 11:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0b04413590e8e
My My My! What have I stumbled upon here? And I’m way too tired to be witty, well that’s a lie really , I’m not witty and I want to be. The guy behind the dumpster with the tatoo sounds good, I’ll have one of those. with a beer.
June 7th, 2007 at 11:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: cfb78268d537a
Male role models are all over the place. Cartoons, space, chemistry labs, athletic competitions, where are the girls’?
That’s right. Nowhere.
now now, you have charlie angels, tomb raider and all those crappish conjunctions of feminist bitches. Kicking a guy’s balls? Try that in real life. It doesnt fucking happen. The guy will just tear them apart, limb from limb. continue dreaming like them about how you will “beat men” and try that in real life. hahahahahaha.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Well, you’d need to have the ability to use your brain in order to be witty.
June 8th, 2007 at 9:32 am - IP Man-Hash: 349c2dc95fedb
Well, you’d need to have the ability to use your brain in order to be witty.
you need to be male to have a brain.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ec6c2ab6784a
Go to Doubt’s place, he has a surprise for you I’m certain you’ll enjoy.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 83b7e402ade4c
Male role models are all over the place. Cartoons, space, chemistry labs, athletic competitions, where are the girls’?
That’s right. Nowhere.
now now, you have charlie angels, tomb raider and all those crappish conjunctions of feminist bitches. Kicking a guy’s balls? Try that in real life. It doesnt fucking happen. The guy will just tear them apart, limb from limb. continue dreaming like them about how you will “beat men” and try that in real life. hahahahahaha.
I’m not surprised that most women today think that they can stop an attacker with a kick to the jewels.
A few sessions in a female self-defense class would show them
just how ineffective this technique is.
I’ve trained a few female friends on self-defense because they know I train martial arts and were talking shit about how they could handle any attacker.
They all did the same thing when we sparred:
Looked right at my crotch and stuck out their tongue and tried to
kick me in the balls.
The look of shock on their faces was amazing when their foot hit my jock and cup.
“Yer wearing a cup!!?!?!!”
“What do you think a semi-intelligent rapist is going to do when he’s planning on abducting you?”
“oh.. I didn’t think about that”
“No.. you did not… that’s why I am in the mount, past your guard, and able to punch you freely in the face… now maybe you will think twice before walking home alone after a night at the pubs”
June 8th, 2007 at 3:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2eadea77df06e
Keep your dogs off my porch Dick, I’ve grown tired of your games.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Afraid they might get you pregnant?
-Dick
June 8th, 2007 at 8:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0b04413590e8e
Dirty Bitch is already pregnant by me. So be nice to my pregnant woman.
June 9th, 2007 at 1:00 am - IP Man-Hash: a8014d2ff3afb
Yeah EvilEddy, true enough. The way the movies portray it… its like men would just bow and flop over. All those butches here itching for a fight.. they most likely end up with a broken nose and no limbs… heh
June 9th, 2007 at 6:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 0b04413590e8e
Ohh Right You have the limb. You mean my strap on limb or like what are you threatening? Your just trying to confuse me right?
June 9th, 2007 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 83b7e402ade4c
You are already very confused.
June 9th, 2007 at 9:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 33b64bce6a7d6
Go to Doubt’s place, he has a surprise for you I’m certain you’ll enjoy.
Ever seen that movie, Hostel?
June 11th, 2007 at 8:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9f06dd5b55d96
OK, folks, this took me a few days and a bit of consultation with my sons, whom I regard as subject matter experts on the biggest bad asses in cartoons. Seriously, they actually discuss this with the same fervor and passion as Khrushchev banging his shoe on the lectern at the UN.
I believe this is a good arguable top ten. How we determined this is how the character is portrayed in cartoons, even if they’re represented elsewhere in comics, comic strips, etc.
The point of this list is you mustn’t ever let anyone tell you cartoons are for kids. Plenty of manly men are represented in the comic arts.
And Dick, lots of respect to you, but you gotta start watching more cartoons, friend. It’s a manly art. (It’s gotta be — how many chicks watch cartoons?)
10) Yosemite Sam — Comic relief bad ass.
9) Tasmanian Devil — Motherfucker spun through rocks. ‘Nuff said.
8) Master Shredder — Sewer rat bad ass.
7) Skeletor — Fuck He-Man. Skeletor’s the man!
6) Early-90’s Warner Brothers Batman — Black on black, vigilantism has never been more badass!
5) Samurai Jack — I think the first time I saw that show was the moment I realized I wanted to wear a robe and kill monsters for the rest of my life.
4) Race Bannon — Jonny Quest’s bodyguard. Subdued but total badass.
3) Superman in the old Max Fleischer cartoons — Motherfucker can actually PUNCH a laser beam.
2) Popeye — Don’t fuck with Popeye, he’ll beat the shit out of you.
1) Brock Sampson — Baddest of the bad asses.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
Sam Adams, that’s a great list. You should open up a blog.
http://blogs.mabtw.com
You get a link on the sidebar here.
-Dick
June 12th, 2007 at 4:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Except Yosemite-sam should be lower down. Guy is hardcore.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Ok not hardcore.
June 12th, 2007 at 5:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Sam, I second Dick’s praise for your list, and also urge you to consider blogging.
I always thought all Coyote’s gadgets were pretty manly, as was his utter willingness to try, try again in the teeth of adversity. If nothing else, I always wanted to meet whoever ran ACME products.
-wolfe
June 12th, 2007 at 6:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9f06dd5b55d96
Thanks, I’ll give blogging serious consideration.
I agree, damnfool determination can be manly, but being stoical while a boulder lands on top of you after you’ve fallen off a sheer cliff for the 2,000th time is the height of manliness.
We already know who ran ACME products. In “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”, we learned it was Marvin Acme.
June 17th, 2007 at 8:56 am - IP Man-Hash: bf69147d1fc98
John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart would be rolling over in their graves with all this PC/Feminism stuff.
Now those guys were ROLE models, just watch their movies, they took crap from nobody and put a woman in her place.
Bogey once said “the only thing a woman understands is a slap in the face and a slug from a .45″
You’d never hear a modern day male celebrity say that today, maybe except for Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson or Nicolis Cage. They’re the exception
Words of wisdom lloyd, words of wisdom.
-banzai
June 19th, 2007 at 2:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 422940479a69d
Nicolas Cage is a badass actor, along with Gary Sinise. Jack Nicholson, like Jim Carrey, is good at playing mad bad guys (Which is not as easy as it seems)
June 19th, 2007 at 9:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 99f8edf443d9d
I always thought Kevin Spacey played a good bad guy. Seems to come from the heart.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 72dadca35debd
Clint Eastwood in “Dirty Harry”
Doctor: Sure, Harry. We can save the leg.
[takes out some scissors]
Harry Callahan: What are you going to do with those?
Doctor: Going to cut your pants off.
Harry Callahan: No. I’ll take them off.
Doctor: It’ll hurt.
Harry Callahan: $29.50, let it hurt.
GOLD.
June 20th, 2007 at 3:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Sam thanks for the tip on ACME. Glad you’re considering blogging.
@Biff Heya.
@Necro Indeed.
@evileddy Heh. Mantastic quote line.
-wolfe
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Platinum. Jack nicholson is also renowned for his famous phrase ‘HEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!!’*smash*
June 28th, 2007 at 10:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
www alltradenet com
Somebody, please ban the bot.
July 11th, 2007 at 1:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2c8448dad3d5f
Hell yeah. You can’t get any manlier than John Fucking Wayne and Humphrey Motherfuckin’ Bogart.
July 19th, 2007 at 6:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: d079ceb34258b
Sorry Dick but I have to disagree with you on this one. Zap is portrayed as an idiot, totally incompetent, and is basically a mockery of th U.S. military. Carl is the crude, disgusting, Neanderthal man stereotype that the feminist bitches love to portray all men as. Sorry Dick but I think it was actually a women who asked this question.
Sam Adams hit the bullseye with Brock Samson though, that man kicks ass while drinking motor oil and pissing testosterone.