Ask Dick: Who’s The Manlier Role Model?
The following question was submitted to me last week by Mike.
Dick, who do you think is manlier: Carl from Aqua Teen hunger Force or Zap Brannigan from Futurama?
I looked those names up on the internet thinking they were war heros or rock stars or something of that nature. I discovered, however, that they are both cartoon characters. Nothing is more important to me than educating young men in the ways of their own manliness. If this site catered to women, I would have to say something like, “but not in a gay way,” because women are immature and fucking obsessed with everything being gay somehow. That’s what penis envy does to your brain.
Nothing should be more important to young men than having the manliest possible role model.
I spent a Saturday afternoon watching these shows of Futurama and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I now present my findings.
Attire
Zap Brannigan wears a man skirt and Carl wears sweatpants. That’s one Man Point for Zap Branigan. Man Skirts have been manly since the movie Braveheart came out in the mid 90’s, and they were probably even manly before that. Sweatpants are never manly. Sweatpants are something women wear when they’re 40 and trolling for fresh meat at the mall like the cougars they are. How undignified.
Sexual Proclivities
Carl frequently alludes to patronizing prostitutes. One time he tried to pay a prostitute with a five gallon jug of pennies. There’s a lot to be said for the symbolism and manbolism of that. Paying for a prostitute in pennies is a metaphor that says, “all women are prostitutes”. Are pennies somehow not good enough for a prostitute? If you pay a prostitute with a house and an SUV is that somehow not prostitution? Think about it. That’s one Man Point for Carl. Carl, however, looses his Man Point for nearly getting married in one episode. It doesn’t matter how Russian or how “paid for” she was.
Zap Brannigan cried after sex. Even with Sexlexia, that results in a Minus Man Point.
Conclusion
Carl has a mustache. Carl is clearly the manlier. If you want to make anything manlier, put a mustache on it. Go put a fake mustache on your car and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll have to beat the women away with a stick.
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Actually, Alex, I’ve known quite a number of prudish sluts. It results in a great deal of inner turmoil for them:
On the one hand, they’re obsessed with being a “good girl,” not sleeping around, holding their heads high, and talking trash about their slutty friends.
On the other hand, they have a one-night stand every month or so.
Then they run around whining and crying for the better part of three weeks. They feel guilty as all hell, not understanding how they could do such a thing, and then ultimately absolve themselves of any personal responsibility by blaming the man.
It becomes an emotional roller-coaster where they swing back and forth, depending on how recently they got laid. It’s extraordinarily annoying if you’re forced to be around them, because if they’d just admit they were a slut in the first place and embrace it, at least they wouldn’t engage in the idiotic self-flagellation afterward.
The worst of it is, since they won’t accept any personal responsibility for their behavior, they get very jaded regarding men. I honestly wouldn’t care very much, but women talk trash at the drop of a hat. The prudish slut ultimately becomes an endless gossip-stream of how damned near every man she’s known has somehow done her wrong.
The problem is that he can’t find a virgin? Is he worried about being compared unfavourably in the bedroom to other men? Seems like it, for where is the evidence that having sex with more than one man “pollutes” the birth canal? How stupid. In answer, women may as well make a video that says that men who have sex with more than one woman go on to develop leprosy and their penis falls off first. LOL I crack me up.
“You sluts are just stupid stuck-up prudes.”
Can’t be a slut and a prude at the same time.
“But hey, the condition female is a disease like any other save one thing:
you chose to be born that way. Can’t remember? Exactly.”
Doubt, babies, let alone fetuses, do not have the cognitive ability to choose their gender. Enough with that tired line already. And nothing about being a female makes you “diseased”. The two genders are necessary and exist so that procreation is possible. One isn’t a diseased or deformed version of the other.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFGXw8KlazE
This is a great antifeminist video on youtube for you to check out men.
About the facial hair thing, I think I’m developing a nice beard. Might get like a Craig david style (Goatee all around the mouth neatly).
Perhaps the reason they are homophobic is because they tend to pick at their friend’s tits weither they’re at the mall or at home. Also, you won’t find many men taking ’sexxay’ pictures with their buds sitting on the bed in their underwear. It may be the in thing to do, but God may interpret it as a defiency of personality and character. I know, I know, what a slut thinks beats out God… wait, HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You sluts are just stupid stuck-up prudes. Yes, I know you pore over every word of dick’s site with a voracious case of penis envy something terrible. But hey, the condition female is a disease like any other save one thing:
you chose to be born that way. Can’t remember? Exactly.
So live with your bad decision. A mistake is a mistake.
Nothing about a man expresses manliness like a bald head.
Notice how a bald head resembles a penis?
Actually, that’s Zap’s uniform tunic. He doesn’t wear pants, skirt, or (probably) underwear, judging by his Kif’s expression while following him up a ladder. Zap is the ultimate commando commander.
Don’t forget, Carl is balding. How manly is that?