Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.

In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.

But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.

Girl bands are shit. [Read more]

I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.

Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.

In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live. [Read more]

When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients.

Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one was a criminal and each was moxier and manlier than the last.

What I don’t think about when I think of world class law breaking, is some ranting bitch trying to scream her way out of a parking ticket. Men invented the law. It’s no wonder men are better than women at breaking it.

Also, God gave women tits to get out of traffic tickets. Not lungs and certainly not brains. [Read more]

A woman with self-reliance is like a bowling ball rolling down the street. You don’t need to pay attention to it unless it’s your bowling ball or your car in the way. If either of those are true, get your running shoes on or your credit card out. You’re about to pay for a fuck up.

No matter how many signs there are in front of an out of control bowling ball — telling it to turn around, shut the fuck up, or not return the calls of a guy who will only let it see his penis in the dark — the bowling ball won’t notice. Bowling balls are as dense as trash-compacted shit.

So are women. [Read more]

Women hog everything. They’re bed hogs, they’re attention hogs, and they’re vagina hogs. Try to get a little vagina for yourself and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re waving a white flag that looks like a fifty dollar bill, you’ll get your hand bitten off like you’re reaching for the Baco’s at a Jenny Craig convention.

Men have dicks and we share them. Women act like their vaginas are cell phone minutes. You use ‘em, you lose ‘em. If only divorce was that easy.
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Lady firemen are scum.

Not scum in the way that pedophiles are scum. And not scum in the way that Crystal Gail Mangum, who falsely accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape, is scum. But scum in the way a man would be if he tried to flush his newborn baby down the toilet because he didn’t want to tell his parents or the father about it.

Lady firemen endanger your life. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Volunteer charity work is for suckers and chumps and every woman who does it is both and then some.

Men who volunteer are geniuses. Volunteering is so much work, there’s barely any competition for all the retarded girls they’re about to nail. A dog shelter is my idea of heaven. Tons of hot and easy women lubing up their emotional sexacoasters by fucking around with abandoned puppies all day, and then putting those same cretins to death left and right because billionaires would rather have another yacht to sail around their private islands on than save a bunch of homeless shit-rats.

Fuck that’s manly. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Of all the women I know who are on antidepressants, 100% of them have told me.

When it comes to women and their stupid mental problems that I don’t give a fuck about, I wish patients had to respect the doctor/client confidentiality agreement as well. That would not only make my life a lot less whiny, but it would also make every first date happening in Utah on any given Friday night about two awkward silences smoother.

If you weren’t aware, Utah has the highest per capita female usage of prescription antidepressants in the world. No one knows why, but it’s probably because Utah is extremely religious, and we all know women take to religion about as well as they take to using whiskey as a lubricant. It stings you for a minute, it stings her for a lifetime.

Men are better than women. [Read more]