Manvestigations


Dick spends a week manvestigating.

Female Pioneers In Aviation

Posted in Manvestigations on December 12th, 2007

We’ve all heard of Paris Hilton and Lady Godiva — she was a noblewoman who rode naked on horseback through 11th century England in order to embarrass her husband, a shrewd businessman, for his oppressive road taxes.

Like self-esteem and a reputation that doesn’t involve the words “great” and “cocksucker”, roads don’t build themselves.

Or maybe her husband wasn’t taxing his people enough and that was Lady Godiva’s way of protesting the second grade silk she was forced to wipe her ass with. We’ve all seen women do far stupider things. I’ve seen a woman dump the contents of a cup all over herself because someone told her something was written on the bottom. I’ve seen a woman protest Hooters by screaming out in front of it with a huge fuck-off sign all day. That’s called Human Directional Advertising and if anyone ever needs a lesson on how to do it, ask that woman. I’ve never seen a Hooters so packed.

I’ve also seen a woman who thought she was a pilot! [Read more]

Fuck Women’s Sports: Part Fucking 3

Posted in Manvestigations on November 19th, 2007

Women’s newest complaint in the arena of sport is that their token female sideline commentators have to go into “icky” men’s locker rooms and see “gross” enormous wieners to get their jobs done.

A penny saved is a woman fired.

Between periods, pregnancies, and lawsuits, I’m surprised women have any time left in the workday to play Solitaire.

You’d never hear a male sports reporter complaining for easier access to female athletes. That’s because women athletes are disgusting wildebeests who should be hunted on safari and not seen, heard, or interviewed.

Fuck women’s sports. [Read more]

Personal Problems

Posted in Dick In Your Ear, Manvestigations on August 6th, 2007

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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.

Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.

For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends. [Read more]

Women Are Ruining Strip Clubs: Part 2

Posted in Manvestigations on June 27th, 2007

Women wear lipstick and blush to simulate the increased blood flow in their faces during sex. They wear eye shadow so their eyes look bigger and their pupils more dilated — just like during sex. They wear necklaces to draw attention to their cleavage, which reminds men of the butt — sexually, and they grow their nails out to look easily rape-able.

What the fuck does a purse say about sex? I remembered to bring condoms?

Thanks for nothing. Condoms are stupid. [Read more]

Women are Ruining Strip Clubs: Part 1

Posted in Manvestigations on June 25th, 2007

If your shoes aren’t made of Lucite, stay the fuck out of my strip clubs.

All strip clubs are my strip clubs. I’m like that drunk guy in Braveheart.

It’s my island. [Read more]

The 300 Is Twice As Sensitive As I Am

Posted in Manvestigations on March 23rd, 2007

After seeing The 300 again, I’ve decided on what I find to be manliest feature of this film.

Anything a man needs to decide can be done in a maximum of five days. Men are better at deciding than women and I’ve just demonstrated this — with gusto. Women will spend six, ten, sometimes they spend their entire fucking lives deciding on the easiest of shit. And worse yet, after they’ve decided and done it, they’ll spend their entire lives re-deciding!

Then they’ll protest in front of abortion clinics. How silly.

The manliest part of The 300 is that the movie gives women a chance to shine. [Read more]

The 300 And Dead As a Man Nail

Posted in Manvestigations on March 21st, 2007

I was watching The 300 again last night and I realized something.

Boy was I right when I said The 300 is the most important movie any man will ever see in his life. In fact, I didn’t even know how right I was.

That happens to me all the time. [Read more]

The 300 And When Women Evolved Mouths

Posted in Manvestigations on March 19th, 2007

If you haven’t seen this movie called The 300, then you need to do it immediately. As a man, it might be the most important film you ever see.

The message of The 300 is clear from the first ten seconds — ten seconds that don’t fuck around at all even for one of those seconds.

Are you a man? Awesome. Are you a woman? Fuck you.

Men are better than women. [Read more]