Women absolutely hate having sex with me. Sometimes, before the “doing it” even starts, they want it to be over. After a roll in the hay with yours truly, a woman feels dirty, degraded, disgusted, damaged, demeaned, and most importantly, sore as fuck.

They hate it. And after a week, she’ll feel even worse.

Yet years later, this same woman won’t be able to turn it down. She’ll cancel plans for it. She’ll lie to her best friends for it. Stand back. Dick Masterson is about to blow your mind with some Man Zen.

Women hate sex and are also simultaneously addicted to it. [Read more]

Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.

That’s bullshit.

Men love commitment. [Read more]

Through some creative editing liberties, the Dr. Phil show gave America this gem from yours truly, Dick Masterson.

“Women could be great.” -Dick Masterson

Just like everything I’ve ever said or ever will say, I stand by that. Women could be great. Women could be successful, intelligent, happy, and even wise. They just have to follow these two steps:

1. Shut the fuck up.
2. Listen to a man.

And then repeat those steps as often and as quickly as possible. Otherwise, what you have on your hands is an unhappy bitch who needs a leash. [Read more]

A screwdriver has a purpose. Without this tool, men wouldn’t be able to screw anything for less than the cost of a video game — and women wouldn’t be able to dent my car by dropping one on the hood while trying to put the Christmas decorations away on a shelf two feet above their fucking head.

If it’s out of reach, get a man. If it’s got buttons, get a man. If it affects the fate of anything more than an unboiled egg or the color of drapes, get a man.

Texas Instruments once had a social conscience. They devised a pink Speak N Spell that flashed only the following:

In case of thought, get a man!

Sadly, it was recalled. Oh the lives it may have saved. [Read more]

At any moment, a woman can say something completely stupid about something completely obvious. Women have an infinity of wrong inside them. Much in the same way that a child has an infinity of imagination inside it, or a tube of super glue contains an infinity of practical jokes.

Women contain an Infinity of Wrong.

For example, when told that no one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries bickering over an unloaded printer, a woman might call you rude or a jerk. This is completely stupid and wrong of her — and it is very likely fat of her as well. No one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries. Pretending anyone does is childish and insulting to good stories.

Here’s another example: women are worthless in science. [Read more]

Men are better than women at everything. Just look outside. See all that shit? That “shit” is men kicking the ass of women up and down the court of science. Women aren’t to blame for a single brick.

Unless when you look outside you see a bunch of fat hookers or some broad who just crashed her car into a fence post while talking on her cell phone. You can blame women for both of those. [Read more]

Men aren’t romantic for the same reason we didn’t invent a sport called “Drop Rocks in a Hole.”

What’s going to happen next? Is the rock going to fall in the hole? Holy shit! Who wins?

No one. It’s just like listening to a woman. Everyone loses. [Read more]

Tourette’s Syndrome is not limited to obscene outbursts and shouting. It also includes involuntary tics and gestures, which are sometimes inappropriate.

Female Tourette’s Syndrome is exactly the same; except instead of being classified as a disorder, FTS involuntary tics are classified as a huge pain in the ass.

A 5′4″ woman stabbing me in the face with the spokes of an umbrella, for example, is Female Tourette’s Syndrome. And that is a huge pain in my ass. [Read more]