Which of these assholes would you hire to run your company?

I’m going to explain why you chose the one you did because I like explaining obvious shit in a humorous way. That’s why I wrote Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

What could be more obvious than men are better than women? Look at the size of our fucking heads! [Read more]

Women are the only creatures on the planet dumb enough to think their birthday is an actual holiday. Birthdays are not holidays. Just like weddings, coffee, pets, and anniversaries that don’t end in and also are “0″; birthdays are not a big deal.

A woman once told me that I had to be nicer to her because it was her “birthday week.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Men are better than women at having birthdays. Men are so much better than women at birthdays that I don’t even know when my birthday is. [Read more]

Greatness Comes in Inches. That’s a bit of subtle penis humor for you, but it’s also true.

Being an inch short for a roller coaster means waiting a year to try again. Missing Hitler by an inch with your 1903 Springfield sniper rifle means your kids are playing Wolfenstein with German keyboards. If the milkman had missed Lynne Spears’ vagina by an inch, there would be no Britney.

Anal is the only form of birth control shown to be 100% effective. Even abstinence failed once.

In the case of IQ, science has shown men to be smarter than women by mere inches. Even though women act like retarded monkeys, they don’t test like them. Still, what does “mere inches” actually look like? I’ll bet it’s fucking enormous.

That’s another bit of subtle penis humor for you. [Read more]

I was at the doctor’s office a few days ago getting my hand X-rayed after punching this fuck-head in the throat during the Super Bowl, and I learned an interesting statistic.

88% of women wash their hands after using the restroom.
66% of men do the same.

Urine is sterile, fellows and gentleman. You’re washing your hands too goddamn much. [Read more]

Screaming at a woman is like running on a treadmill. It’s not going to get you anywhere because women are as dense as lead shit, and it’s a loss of Man Points.

Wasting time is a loss of Man Points.

Women understand a good screaming at as much as a dog. You could sound like a logical jet engine, but the yap won’t shut, the budget won’t be learned, and the shoes will still get eaten. Turn it up to 11 if you want, but know that your Engine of Correction is powered on burning Man Points.

Also, according to a new study, screaming at your wife or girlfriend is good for your health — just like running on a treadmill. Maybe it’s not such a waste of time after all. [Read more]

It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.

Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.

Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.

At least that’s what a new study says. [Read more]

Evolution is not a theory. Evolution is a fact.

The “theory” part in the Theory of Evolution refers only to the hypothesis of biological machinations which may or may not be the cause of evolution — ie, Natural Selection and Speciation. And the manliest of scholars have spent thousands of man-hours on exactly that question: why do we evolve?

The question scholars have spent no time on is: why didn’t women evolve? The answer is, because women are stupid and lazy.

You don’t need science to tell you that water is wet. [Read more]

A manpiphany is a jolt of genius that starts at the balls and proceeds directly to the brain. Whenever I experience this phenomenon, I open my mouth and speak as quickly as I can. What comes out may offend loads of women, but fuck women. The truth needs to be spoken.

Female anger is the weather vane of truth.

Truth is the enemy of women.

If a woman ever gets pissed off at anything you say, science will prove you right. [Read more]