The Golden Book


Women Hate America.

Posted in The Golden Book on November 14th, 2007

If you’ve been watching the Dr. Phil “House of Judgment”, you may have noticed that the first problem Dr. Phil has with my views is that I have a book to sell. Well it’s true, fellows and gentlemen, I am a filthy capitalist. I am a low-down, dirty capitalist who is out to make money by providing you with something that is both manlightening and hilarious for a nominal cost.

And unlike women in the army, this is comedy you can choose whether or not you want to pay for.

How dare I.

I would also like to note that my book is worth its weight in gold. It will teach you how to shut women the fuck up. Silence is golden.

Let’s talk about capitalism. You may already be familiar with it as the thing that brought you everything you know. Imagine Santa Claus with a school bus full of girls gone wild on his back, a Super Soaker full of gin in his hand, and a Viagra-induced boner that could win a home-run derby in the other. That’s capitalism.

Women hate capitalism. [Read more]

Simon Says: Men Are Better Than Women

Posted in The Golden Book on July 24th, 2007

Women have ruined books.

First, they infiltrated books with their ‚Äúromance‚Ä? and other literary promiscuities. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Kite Runner; those are all obscene and rife with moral depravity. That last one is Oprah’s favorite tale about a little boy who gets raped. Who would read about something like that?

Women.

Then, when no one was looking, women turned books into magazines and slapped tampon ads all over them. I hope no one built a mini-mall on Hemingway’s grave. The constant movement of him spinning the fuck around inside will probably mess with the foundation. [Read more]