Childbirth is Not a Big Deal
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.
And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents.
Please allow me to quote from 3 billion of the worst writers in the world today:
“You men think you’re so tough, you gay faggots? Try pushing something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon which is also called your vagina!”
-Every woman ever
That is an inaccurate depiction of childbirth.
First of all, childbirth, whether it’s completely disgusting or not, is a beautiful thing. In the case of baby boys being born, you could be witnessing the first breaths of the next Picasso or Pavarotti or the guy who played Herman Munster. In the case of baby women, you’re witnessing something special too probably. The point is, as a man I would never sink so low as to equate the act of childbirth to some perverse squishing of fruits and vegetables through other fruits and vegetables. Is this human life we’re talking about or a fruit salad Physical Challenge? What the fuck? Unlike women, men float effortlessly on the sea of indiscretion by inflatable rafts called our class — Man Class.
Secondly, a baby is not the size of a watermelon. It’s more like like size of a grapefruit or maybe a slightly larger than average lemon. Have I ever squeezed something the size of a slightly larger than average lemon through something the size of a regular sized lemon? Believe me I have. But go bigger you say? You must be a man then! And I say why the fuck not!
It’s called putting on my undershirt, which women don’t know about because they’re whores and wear things like spaghetti strap tank tops and bras and other silly things designed to maximize their flesh showcase. I don’t hear my undershirt complaining about my head being the size of a fucking watermelon, which it isn’t, but it is bigger than my shirt’s neck hole.
The fact of the matter is today’s modern mother is so doped up on morphine and chocolate that she doesn’t even know who the father is when it comes time to popping the poor bastard out. Men in the Napoleonic Age got their legs and shit cut off with no antestetic and gangrenous saws. Now that’s some pain! Where’s your fucking cute, stupid fruit analogy now? Have you ever had a zucchini the size of your leg cut in half by a carrot which was a rusty saw? Fuck off.
My last piece of evidence is what I call The Clencher.
The only women who use this argument are teenage women or childless, unmarried harpies. The world has truly known no more useless swine. They’ve never done anything for anyone ever. Congratulate your nearest mother. She won the race by pulling her head out of the sand.
It’s a good thing all babies have a 50/50 shot of being men — or else we’d all be fucked.
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Thank you, Diesel.
-Dick
“Have you ever had a zucchini the size of your leg cut in half by a carrot which was a rusty saw?”
Genius.
Pre-fucking menstrual, are you aware that women can also get kidney stones? Yet not one woman on this site has bought that up and had a whinge about it, have they?
Another thing, seeing that you have a premorbid fear of stones, why don’t you do as a woman would and take some preventative measures?
Another thing: Women will always complain about their pains during labour. Let’s just bear in mind that, in fact, that childbirth IS the reason that vagina’s are there. However, many men go through the agony of kidney stones. These can only come out one way, and our plumbing was not designed with that in mind. Do we complain though? No, never. We’re better than that. Shove that up your loose, feministic twat.
I have a rule about taking life advice from people who whore naked pictures of themselves out on the internet. The rule is I don’t.
-Dick
yes reading this site really does cleary the head for the working day ahead with stupid women.
It appears someone’s gotten on cuddlefishy’s bad fin. Caustically vitriolic, isn’t she?
- Men At Work - Who can it be now
yes, but with something much more tangible than a ‘misconperception’ that hopefully has balls attached to it, or at least in the general vasectomy-vicinity!
Well, isn’t that a woman’s purpose on earth, to be fucked?
Well, let’s not forget about the nine months leading up to the actual birth of this 50/50 being.
You guys transform your own bodies by way of beer, for the most part, and think nothing of it…perhaps because it takes years for the effects to take place as opposed to months, but women, especially those ‘who could have been contenders’ endure such a rapid (and usually perceived as unattractive) transformation(s) that they hardly recognize themselves…
…then (some of) you guys complain that your woman does not resemble that slinky chick that you hooked up with in the first place…
…and have the audacity to then judge and convict that same woman of being too vain if she is pre-occupied with her appearance or too complacent if she doesn’t [paradoxically] re-gain her pre-maternal shape; ‘we’re’ fucked if we do, and fucked…just plain fucked!
‘Pregnancy’ is the long haul and you guys seem to forget that whenever it’s convenient, referring to the experience/event as ‘childbirth’ which is only the end-result [God willing] and does not take into account the x-athalon that’s really involved.
I concur.
Bravo Dick. That little voice I hear in my head that tells me something is wrong with the world, but I don’t quite know what it is, is confirmed everyday after I read you blog… it’s women!
Don’t forget the child support/alimony that follows the birth of these fucking kids. I’d take 24 hours of hardship in exchane for an 18 year free ride.
Where is the other leg? Hopefully around your neck.