Childbirth is Not a Big Deal
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.
And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents.
Please allow me to quote from 3 billion of the worst writers in the world today:
“You men think you’re so tough, you gay faggots? Try pushing something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon which is also called your vagina!”
-Every woman ever
That is an inaccurate depiction of childbirth.
First of all, childbirth, whether it’s completely disgusting or not, is a beautiful thing. In the case of baby boys being born, you could be witnessing the first breaths of the next Picasso or Pavarotti or the guy who played Herman Munster. In the case of baby women, you’re witnessing something special too probably. The point is, as a man I would never sink so low as to equate the act of childbirth to some perverse squishing of fruits and vegetables through other fruits and vegetables. Is this human life we’re talking about or a fruit salad Physical Challenge? What the fuck? Unlike women, men float effortlessly on the sea of indiscretion by inflatable rafts called our class — Man Class.
Secondly, a baby is not the size of a watermelon. It’s more like like size of a grapefruit or maybe a slightly larger than average lemon. Have I ever squeezed something the size of a slightly larger than average lemon through something the size of a regular sized lemon? Believe me I have. But go bigger you say? You must be a man then! And I say why the fuck not!
It’s called putting on my undershirt, which women don’t know about because they’re whores and wear things like spaghetti strap tank tops and bras and other silly things designed to maximize their flesh showcase. I don’t hear my undershirt complaining about my head being the size of a fucking watermelon, which it isn’t, but it is bigger than my shirt’s neck hole.
The fact of the matter is today’s modern mother is so doped up on morphine and chocolate that she doesn’t even know who the father is when it comes time to popping the poor bastard out. Men in the Napoleonic Age got their legs and shit cut off with no antestetic and gangrenous saws. Now that’s some pain! Where’s your fucking cute, stupid fruit analogy now? Have you ever had a zucchini the size of your leg cut in half by a carrot which was a rusty saw? Fuck off.
My last piece of evidence is what I call The Clencher.
The only women who use this argument are teenage women or childless, unmarried harpies. The world has truly known no more useless swine. They’ve never done anything for anyone ever. Congratulate your nearest mother. She won the race by pulling her head out of the sand.
It’s a good thing all babies have a 50/50 shot of being men — or else we’d all be fucked.
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November 7th, 2007 at 2:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3ba3d3038a9d6
I hope your father rapes your sister/daughter everyday of her life because she’s built for it
November 13th, 2007 at 4:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 508c335b10f7d
Holy shit. That is the best thing I have read ever.
November 13th, 2007 at 4:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 49c2078a44a9b
Because you prove us right.
You prove Dick right. Just keep bringing all your feminazi friends onto the site to bitch, you’re just increasing traffic and making Dick more popular.
Childbirth is not a big deal. But being kicked in the nuts is.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
It really isn’t a big deal, this childbirth thing. Not in the context whimmin try to argue their “equality” with us through it anyway - the “labor” component (among other aspects, albeit).
I went to the Internist a few weeks ago. He said I’d been carrying around about twenty extra pounds of old steaks and burgers in my gut for a while. He gave me a prescription for some fiber-like drug, and within the week I was straining away like crazy on the pot until it all took a bath.
Who am I “equal” to now. Where’s my f****** society medal. Somebody owes me now, dammit!
Yep, because through point/counterpoint of human accomplishment, the whimmin can’t measure up, they almost invariably pull the Childbirth or Name-Calling cards.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
So you were a fatty?
November 20th, 2007 at 11:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
Yes, was, being the relevant aspect.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:19 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
What wass it like?
December 12th, 2007 at 7:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
When Dick goes through childbirth, maybe I will consider it liable.
I realize that considering that I haven’t had any children, I can’t say any personal experiences, but I know that it is hours of agony
Imagine an entire watermelon coming out of your mouth, now, going through 60 hours of that would not be pleasant.
So, when any of you have the experience, then come on this, and say, “Well I had it and it was no big deal.” Then good for you, but considering none of you have ever had childbirth, don’t say that it’s nothing, because it most certaintly is
December 12th, 2007 at 7:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60c984a618a05
How about being kicked in the balls, or teased by a little girly-girl when you have 10 times the sex drive on a regular day that she does at her absolute horniest - and are expected to repress it. You don’t know what kind of character and responsibility it takes for such moderation and control.
I know that childbirth would hurt a lot. I also know that there are ways to prevent it in this day in age - many of which are the exact same fucking thing they were millions of years ago: Don’t wave your ass and titties everywhere. Chances are if you keep doing that in a crowd some guy is going to take the message, drag you home, and give you that fucking you were so blatantly begging for. Now, most men will try to see the best in women - thanks to feminism and a disgusting bastardized school system. They’ll assume that you love sex for the sake of fucking anytime, everytime. They won’t want to think that you spend all of the fucking time wondering what Sheryl will think when they realized that you fucked a man who didn’t quite buy you enough shit beforehand.
*Ahem*
The point being, childbirth is not a big deal, and if it was you wouldn’t choose to have it. It’s like crying like a bitch every day and then wondering why guys seem to only like you for your ass and titties. It’s because you’re a quick fuck that can be duped easily, honey!
December 12th, 2007 at 7:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46bafd48af0c5
Some girls DO have an abnormal sex drive. You can’t deny it, they just do. As for childbirth, if no woman had a child, where would we be in this day and age?…. thats right, no where. Ill bet childbirth DOES hurt alot (although I can not identify the ammount of pain through personal experience, which is the only kind of experience that I truely trust). I also understand that it must be hard for men, having a high sex drive and all. I think that we all can honestly say that men and women BOTH have pains caused by their gender, and that is just the way it is.
December 12th, 2007 at 7:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Also, adding to what proudathiest said, married couples also have children, and it hurts just as much as if they weren’t.
Whatever the situation, equally painful
December 12th, 2007 at 8:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 719598e0e0873
Yeah? There is the *potential* that I *may* ensnare my penis in my zipper. So what? It isn’t something you can change, its biological, even animals give birth…IMAGINE!
Want to impress me? Hit the treadmill.
December 12th, 2007 at 8:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
That is a running joke that will never ever end, huh?
December 12th, 2007 at 8:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60c984a618a05
Apparantly, regardless of girly-girl’s opinions about things, they’re still getting knocked up and still having babies. It’s not the female orgasm that counts during sex, it’s the male one.
Of course, I know that trying to reason with you is a losing battle here, because you’re going to keep on spamming and laughing awkwardly at your own forced small penis jokes. You just have low pain tolerances, like SCIENCE says you do, and girly-girls don’t have high sex drives, they’re just addicted to attention and know that the only way anybody will give two shits about them is if they put out.
Stupid whore, do you really think that I’m stupid enough to be duped into your little girly-girl philosophy? That’s just self-serving bullshit that glorifies your petty existence and is good for girly-girls and only girly-girls. D-uh, use that head of yours, sweetie!
December 12th, 2007 at 8:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46bafd48af0c5
I do run. for one hour every single morning, as well as do gymnasitcs 4 days a week, 3 houres each day I do it.
December 12th, 2007 at 8:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60c984a618a05
So wait… you break out crackling every time you force a small penis joke into a conversation but you don’t find that funny? Damn, hoe, you girly-girls have absolutely no sense of humor. No wonder you never get anything done - how the fuck could you when you’re so busy getting yourself oppressed?
Always a brilliant little fuck-of-all-trades until somebody who does not exploit himself for a living - affirmative action is exploitation of the victim mentality and basically admits that no, no qualified girly-girls can exist in a free market economy - comes along. Whoops, better crack another small penis or a nut-kicking joke!
Ah, hypocrite bitches, how the fuck would I live without you? Oh, yes, with some sluts who know their place and don’t barge into my locker room and start laughing awkwardly as she questions our sexuality. How brilliant, the annoying cunt subculture - you sure are independent, sweet-tits.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Childbirth is much more painful.
Again, I have no children, so I can’t say my personal experiences, but my mother went through 30 hours of labor.
So I would say childbirth is more painful.
December 18th, 2007 at 10:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b8661e6da7fc
Kelly, all your posts give all of us hope.
December 18th, 2007 at 10:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b8661e6da7fc
I’ve had 4 surgeries and the pain killers you get do just what there called.
February 6th, 2008 at 12:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 2bba7edbc11b7
I thought your article Dick, had some very good points.
I am a mother of 2 teenagers. Their births were approx. 6 hours duration each.
It was painful, but I believe the pain serves to give you an appreciation for the new life that has been brought into the world.
As soon as my second child was born, I can honestly say, I forgot about the pain and even left the hospital 12 hours later.
Like all pain, the memory of it passes once the pain is no longer there.
Women who use childbirth as a means to make men feel inferior, need to look at pain as a whole.
Dick, your point about men in the Napoleonic Age getting their legs cut off without anaesthetic is a great example.
Also, what about the many P.O.W’s (prisoner of war) who endured years of torture and horrific conditions.
And I would much rather give birth again, than suffer what William Wallace went through just before he died.
Ladies, we have (as Buddha in the post above mine has pointed out) painkillers. Use them if the pain becomes too much and enjoy this special time, it’s well worth it.