Childbirth is Not a Big Deal
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.
And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents.
Please allow me to quote from 3 billion of the worst writers in the world today:
“You men think you’re so tough, you gay faggots? Try pushing something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon which is also called your vagina!”
-Every woman ever
That is an inaccurate depiction of childbirth.
First of all, childbirth, whether it’s completely disgusting or not, is a beautiful thing. In the case of baby boys being born, you could be witnessing the first breaths of the next Picasso or Pavarotti or the guy who played Herman Munster. In the case of baby women, you’re witnessing something special too probably. The point is, as a man I would never sink so low as to equate the act of childbirth to some perverse squishing of fruits and vegetables through other fruits and vegetables. Is this human life we’re talking about or a fruit salad Physical Challenge? What the fuck? Unlike women, men float effortlessly on the sea of indiscretion by inflatable rafts called our class — Man Class.
Secondly, a baby is not the size of a watermelon. It’s more like like size of a grapefruit or maybe a slightly larger than average lemon. Have I ever squeezed something the size of a slightly larger than average lemon through something the size of a regular sized lemon? Believe me I have. But go bigger you say? You must be a man then! And I say why the fuck not!
It’s called putting on my undershirt, which women don’t know about because they’re whores and wear things like spaghetti strap tank tops and bras and other silly things designed to maximize their flesh showcase. I don’t hear my undershirt complaining about my head being the size of a fucking watermelon, which it isn’t, but it is bigger than my shirt’s neck hole.
The fact of the matter is today’s modern mother is so doped up on morphine and chocolate that she doesn’t even know who the father is when it comes time to popping the poor bastard out. Men in the Napoleonic Age got their legs and shit cut off with no antestetic and gangrenous saws. Now that’s some pain! Where’s your fucking cute, stupid fruit analogy now? Have you ever had a zucchini the size of your leg cut in half by a carrot which was a rusty saw? Fuck off.
My last piece of evidence is what I call The Clencher.
The only women who use this argument are teenage women or childless, unmarried harpies. The world has truly known no more useless swine. They’ve never done anything for anyone ever. Congratulate your nearest mother. She won the race by pulling her head out of the sand.
It’s a good thing all babies have a 50/50 shot of being men — or else we’d all be fucked.
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March 2nd, 2007 at 9:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 91d6958044e85
Rape isn’t funny… unless yer raping a clown.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 2e40539aafec7
Would I be trivializing rape by saying it makes me laugh to think of it?
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
No… that’s just wrong… ARGH THE MENTAL IMAGES!
No. Because you could be laughing at the sheer absurdity of it. Or the fact people actually do it.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:19 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Of course! It’s worse than murder because the victim still has memories. (Note my blog has an article on Rape)
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 91d6958044e85
No… that’s just wrong… ARGH THE MENTAL IMAGES!
No. Because you could be laughing at the sheer absurdity of it. Or the fact people actually do it.
C’mon.. Sloppo was asking for it… making all those sexy balloon animals.. getting himself all wet with his soda water sprayer.. all made up like some tart with all that make-up.. that big red bulbous nose resembling the blood engorged genitals of a howler monkey… he was BEGGING for it.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
….*takes out sword* I KEEL YOOOOOU!!!
(Seriously… eww.)
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 91d6958044e85
*parries sword blow*
And he just kept honking his horn with every thrust!
Them damn big floppy shoes hitting the side of the bar with the frequency of a cheap ham radio!
HE LOVED IT!!!!
It was only when he saw that he looked like a common street mime that he went to the cops crying about being manhandled like a fat chick handles a cheesecake.
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:09 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
…I will kill you, raise your corpse and drop it in a mans prison with a necrophiliac(Talk about being a dead fuck XD). Muwahahahaha. Trained Necromancer right here.
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 91d6958044e85
*rolls a d20…. 18!!!!!*
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Fuck.
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Fuck.
Wait I don’t play DnD so…. to be continued.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 7611d2e551981
Very true. And a manly way to say it.
Very true. Backed by common sense.
I truly do WANT to agree, but I am laughing too much.
Of course! It’s worse than murder because the victim still has memories. (Note my blog has an article on Rape)
As usual, Necro is right………..
Evileddy is on a………roll……….That is just some funny shit right there.
Roll your D4, use the damned Sword of Sharpness (cursed), and call your shot, left forearm please……… and why is the Half-Troll over there eyeing our Paladin like that? Oh, this is not D&D anymore kids, this is “Design on a Dime”.
Hahaha………….I am sorry, I made my own fucking self laugh……..
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:55 am - IP Man-Hash: d2bf73bae8061
@ Dick- It isn’t true. Rape is an assault; women are no more engineered to handle rape than anyone is to handle another form of assault. Not to mention that rape causes psychological damage.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Womanly and therefore invalid points, Ally. The mind is easily able to cope with psychological trauma. What are the negative effects? Women don’t do anything with their lives anyway.
No women allowed. Fuck off my site.
-Dick
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Which is why it’s such an interesting subject for a budding psycholanalysis like me *cue evil laugh and hand rubbing*
Oh and evileddy, you cant beat a Necromancer :). We PWN.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 91d6958044e85
Which is why it’s such an interesting subject for a budding psycholanalysis like me *cue evil laugh and hand rubbing*
Oh and evileddy, you cant beat a Necromancer :). We PWN.
I don’t wish to beat you.. I wish to join forces and spread the word of manly men doing manly things all over planet Manrth.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Yeah me too. But we can do it without the mentally scarring images which will probably make us cringe forever. By the way, OPRAH NAKED COVERED IN WHIPPED CREAM SPREADING HER LEGS.
Fight the power! ^_^
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Dude, she has a boyfriend, and he is living large. He is one damn successful gigolo. Would I sleep with Oprah for that kind of money?
Ashamedly, I do not know the answer to that question. The thought of being a man-whore is demeaning, but she really does have a lot of money; and the lifestyle to go with it.
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
At least a man wouldn’t sell himself short.
March 2nd, 2007 at 3:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
I just wanted to stick a really scarring image into evileddy’s mind.