Cocksucking Doesn’t Belong on a Resume
If I wrote a guide to life, it would like this:
Dick Masteron’s Guide to Life
1. Shut up.
2. Get the job done.
In the end, that’s why women are such failures. Step 1, shutting up, is an impossible hurdle for their overloaded female brains. Even if their grey matter wasn’t water-logged with puppies and posting cute actors on their fucking MySpace page, women still couldn’t shut the fuck up. They have far too many stupid things to say and a limited amount of years in which to say them. Women could quit even their lamest of day jobs and take pep pills until the Apocalypse, but they still wouldn’t have enough time to empty their heads of every dumb fuck thought that congealed between their ears.
Too bad.
Just like how even you as a man can’t count to 47 trillion. Even if you count really fast. At least I don’t think you can. That’s why men invented calculators.
Step 2, getting the job done, is the greatest cosmic mystery in the female universe. Getting the job done requires a job, and getting a job requires making a fucking resume, which no woman in the world can do.
Men are better than women at making resumes. In this case, women are a No Show.
If women have to present themselves in a form that doesn’t involve either straps, no-straps, or a small amount of Scotch tape for purposes of false advertising, then they completely fuck it up. Men are like chameleons when it comes to presenting ourselves. You could take James Bond and drop him off on a farm in the middle of Iowa, and if you turned your back for even like a second, he would blend in like toothpaste in the holes on the walls of my first apartment. That’s called presentation skills.
Women can’t make resumes because resumes do not fit into the frail and vindictive monster that is the female ego. Why should a woman make a resume? Isn’t everything you need to know about hiring her written all over her soul or her empowerment or some shit?
No. It’s written elsewhere.
No woman ever made her own resume. I swear to God this is true. They’ve all had a man do it for them. Go find a woman and ask. I fucking guarantee that if you press hard enough (which you should always do with women), you will get the following answer.
Well my boyfriend/father made my first resume, but it was just my first!
Resumes aren’t fashion items or countries women celebrities steal babies from. They don’t change wildly from year to year. Resumes are like the list of imaginary grievances married women carry around in their heads at all times. They get made once very early on, and they stay that way for-fucking-ever. Sure they get added to every year:
1995 - Doesn’t like that I’ve blossomed into a full-figured woman.
1997 - Venerated the book I bought on psychic healing.
1997 - Made fun of me for not knowing what ‘venerated’ meant.
2002 - Didn’t pick up my hints about wanting a new car.
But the hard part is done. And the car is still at the lot because the bank didn’t pick up your hints about wanting a bunch of free fucking money for doing fuck all.
That’s why women can’t make resumes. No matter how good at bullshitting you are, you can’t phrase “got paid for doing fucking nothing” in a light that makes employers trip all over themselves with stock options.
Hey here’s a thought. Maybe there’s a gender pay gap because every woman in the world’s resume looks like this:
Her Name
Seeking: A job.
Objective: Get a job.
Skills: Can’t make a simple fucking resume.
I can hear the gap growing like cracks in the mantle crust. I would say that’s the stupidest resume I’ve ever seen, but as soon as I wrote it, I realized women could fuck it up even worse. Like with glitter stickers or by printing it on hearts stationary or some shit.
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March 9th, 2007 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Aye, this is impossible. Another foul with the blasted spam filter! The damned thing must’ve taken an unholy liking to me…
Dick, pls. go through the hassle of searching the spam filter for two recent posts of mine. Thank you.
March 9th, 2007 at 6:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 37c7a53deed0d
Typical. Women screw things up before they get started. Before you hand her a pen and a blank sheet of paper, ask her what she’ll put down on her resume. You’ll most likely hear “I want to put down ….”, and that’s the first fuck up. What you “want” to put down is irrelevant to what you SHOULD put down, such as your accomplishments and your contributions that would have the employer see that you qualify and would meet the standards for whatever job she’s applying to. Women don’t understand that. They just put down anything that pertains to their image in the mirror rather than their contributions to society, mainly since they have none. If a woman puts down “1. I’ve given birth before 2. I can cook 3. I keep myself clean” then she’s either letting the employer know that she’s a whore, or just plain stupid. I kid you not gentlemen, I’ve seen this shit unfold before my eyes before. Without men, women would strive to new embarrasing lows in everyday life, whether it’s trying to draw water from a rock, or making pancakes with asbestos, women will find new ways to falter, unless there’s a man right next to her.
March 10th, 2007 at 7:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7dfb4f20fd881
@ Order; Women strive to new embarrassing lows in everyday life and women will find new ways to falter. It is just that men are there to either prevent their disasters or to help clean up after them.
March 11th, 2007 at 10:08 am - IP Man-Hash: da16af45345a7
GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FAG MOTHER FUCKERS!
March 11th, 2007 at 12:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Diamatik, does it require constant painstaking effort to be so unassailably right or does it come with the willful spurting ease of manturalness?
March 11th, 2007 at 12:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I believe Jackie here has proved you right, and Wolfe, of course, via her unfaltering adherence to the Laws of Women of which he is the dutiful keeper of.
That’s one fine thing women can do properly.
March 11th, 2007 at 3:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 659e3ed3a64c3
It takes very little effort, sonyad. Women are always wrong, so all I have to do is say something that contradicts whatever rubbish it is they are saying and them I’m automatically correct. Oh, it also helps that I’m a man - especially so because of the fact that men are better than women.
March 20th, 2007 at 8:20 am - IP Man-Hash: eb0193ec17432
I had a resume sent to me by a woman several weeks back. The cover letter had nothing to do with the job at hand, and was nothing more than three paragraphs on how great she was and how she learned so much in university, etc.
Then she signed off with the word “Peace.” Her name was apparently “Venus.”
I chucked it, of course.
Yet she continued pester me, presumably in disbelief that I didn’t hire her flat out, without question.
When I told her (finally) that it was a matter of simply not having the skills we needed, she refused to believe me, insisting that the decision was because she was a woman.
Perhaps she was right?
March 20th, 2007 at 10:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 1621440ee0ecd
Another is cock sucking.
March 20th, 2007 at 3:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: e360eaab3b47f
lol Chris - women simple expect everything they want just handed to them.
Neckro many of them don’t do that properly even.
I think they should be trained in school in the senior year.
And maybe women studies in college should be changed to advanced CS. :)
March 20th, 2007 at 8:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1621440ee0ecd
No mor eimportant for lesson in Shut the fuck up when needed.
March 24th, 2007 at 11:58 am - IP Man-Hash: eb0193ec17432
On formal cs’ing for women: I’m all for it.
I actually had to tell one once: Please, it’s not corn on the cob! (I was literally clenching my teeth during the ordeal)
It took about five mns for her to “get” the reference. No surprise there.
Feel sorry for the next sucker she “gnawed” on, thinking it was going to turn him on.
May 19th, 2007 at 4:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6f7a7c45fb95d
I know this is an older article, but if you google the phrase “What my resume does not reveal is my professional demeanor and appearance” you’ll get a whole bunch of identical online resumes from women seeking secretarial jobs.
Why? The resumes are all lifted directly from an MS Office sample query letter. I even noticed a few listed on a site called womensresumelist.com.
How fitting.
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
holodog, that’s hilarious.
-Dick
June 6th, 2007 at 6:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 1c05655a22ef5
[...] All Women’s Resume Were Truthful…. I found this HERE and it’s one of the funniest things i’ve ever read. it will probably offend a female, [...]
January 26th, 2008 at 10:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
Shutting up is impossible for the female to do? LOL, all you do on this site is ramble on and on. You’re worse than a woman.
January 26th, 2008 at 10:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
You and your meaningless silly arguments.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9623ac8098b53
No really, most of them cant even get that right…they cant stop talking long enough, use waay too much bs hand movement, don’t go down far enough, or just plain act like its a horrible chore.
Finding a woman thats anywhere near decent let alone GOOD at fellatio is like finding one that knows how to fucking cook anymore. Finding a woman that can and will prepare a meal is like finding one that is DECENT at fellatio repectively. And finding one thats GOOD at fellatio is like finding a good female chef. Impossible.
Female chefs are shit.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef01bede7f943
Wait, everyone get your MATBW bingo cards, here comes some woman telling sandman to “get a MAN 2 du it, fag!”
April 30th, 2008 at 1:11 am - IP Man-Hash: b0ae850125086
If my penis didn’t automaticly come with an Adams apple gaydar I would probably be getting the best head ever. Write that down. Make bumper stickers out of it even.
I mean gay guys LOVE the cock and cant wait to see it, let alone get it in their mouthes. Women look at your dick as a JOB to do….and we all know how women handle jobs, they dont. And they look at it as a job to do because it IS…ITS THE ONLY FUCKING JOB THEY HAVE TO DO! And the majority of them still fuck it up and youre left with Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters to finish it.
Rosie is the only reliable woman in the world and thats because she’s attached to a mans arm. Write that down too.
Dont worry, she’s probably practicing the only job she has to do with everyone else BUT you if your married. And she’s only practicing it to keep her form up for the NEXT man that wants to give her half of his shit.
The real question is….How the fuck do you practice laying there like a futon?
Dick….I need a manswer.