Cocksucking Doesn’t Belong on a Resume
If I wrote a guide to life, it would like this:
Dick Masteron’s Guide to Life
1. Shut up.
2. Get the job done.
In the end, that’s why women are such failures. Step 1, shutting up, is an impossible hurdle for their overloaded female brains. Even if their grey matter wasn’t water-logged with puppies and posting cute actors on their fucking MySpace page, women still couldn’t shut the fuck up. They have far too many stupid things to say and a limited amount of years in which to say them. Women could quit even their lamest of day jobs and take pep pills until the Apocalypse, but they still wouldn’t have enough time to empty their heads of every dumb fuck thought that congealed between their ears.
Too bad.
Just like how even you as a man can’t count to 47 trillion. Even if you count really fast. At least I don’t think you can. That’s why men invented calculators.
Step 2, getting the job done, is the greatest cosmic mystery in the female universe. Getting the job done requires a job, and getting a job requires making a fucking resume, which no woman in the world can do.
Men are better than women at making resumes. In this case, women are a No Show.
If women have to present themselves in a form that doesn’t involve either straps, no-straps, or a small amount of Scotch tape for purposes of false advertising, then they completely fuck it up. Men are like chameleons when it comes to presenting ourselves. You could take James Bond and drop him off on a farm in the middle of Iowa, and if you turned your back for even like a second, he would blend in like toothpaste in the holes on the walls of my first apartment. That’s called presentation skills.
Women can’t make resumes because resumes do not fit into the frail and vindictive monster that is the female ego. Why should a woman make a resume? Isn’t everything you need to know about hiring her written all over her soul or her empowerment or some shit?
No. It’s written elsewhere.
No woman ever made her own resume. I swear to God this is true. They’ve all had a man do it for them. Go find a woman and ask. I fucking guarantee that if you press hard enough (which you should always do with women), you will get the following answer.
Well my boyfriend/father made my first resume, but it was just my first!
Resumes aren’t fashion items or countries women celebrities steal babies from. They don’t change wildly from year to year. Resumes are like the list of imaginary grievances married women carry around in their heads at all times. They get made once very early on, and they stay that way for-fucking-ever. Sure they get added to every year:
1995 - Doesn’t like that I’ve blossomed into a full-figured woman.
1997 - Venerated the book I bought on psychic healing.
1997 - Made fun of me for not knowing what ‘venerated’ meant.
2002 - Didn’t pick up my hints about wanting a new car.
But the hard part is done. And the car is still at the lot because the bank didn’t pick up your hints about wanting a bunch of free fucking money for doing fuck all.
That’s why women can’t make resumes. No matter how good at bullshitting you are, you can’t phrase “got paid for doing fucking nothing” in a light that makes employers trip all over themselves with stock options.
Hey here’s a thought. Maybe there’s a gender pay gap because every woman in the world’s resume looks like this:
Her Name
Seeking: A job.
Objective: Get a job.
Skills: Can’t make a simple fucking resume.
I can hear the gap growing like cracks in the mantle crust. I would say that’s the stupidest resume I’ve ever seen, but as soon as I wrote it, I realized women could fuck it up even worse. Like with glitter stickers or by printing it on hearts stationary or some shit.
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March 9th, 2007 at 1:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Hey Dick, is this the same case for young peoples CVs over here in England?
March 9th, 2007 at 4:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 7dfb4f20fd881
Although I laughed at that one, I needed to take a moment to reflect afterwards. When I was a bit younger a woman sent in a strawberry-scented resume on paper printed with kittens. The boss showed the whole office, and we all had a hearty laugh. He decided to call her in for an interview, just to see who the dumb-cunt was. She did not get the job she was looking for, but she was hired in another capacity. Let’s just say that she looked pretty fucking fabulous. Damn boss decided that he should get a good supply of blowjobs at the shareholders’ expense.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:36 am - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Your boss sounds like a smart guy. To bad this resume wasn’t scanned.
Women and their shitty resumes would make an entertaining website.
-Dick
March 9th, 2007 at 11:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 497a2bd14e918
Finishing school and we had the assignment of writing a resume. One woman in class, when she got to the Objective part - which is like the second part after your name (women fuck things up right from the start. They don’t wait to get knee deep in it. Just right of the bat, screw it up, then quickly look around for a man to fix it.) she writes “Objective: To own a tavern on the beach in Costa Rica”.
Riiiight, and someone’s going to hire you? It’s your employment objective, not your retirement objective Idiot!
March 9th, 2007 at 11:58 am - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
I thought my objective was stupid enough. Like usual, women can always make it dumber. It’s the only thing for which they can be relied on.
-Dick
March 9th, 2007 at 11:59 am - IP Man-Hash: e360eaab3b47f
If a womans resume were truthful.
Seeking: A paycheck.
Objective: Doing Nothing.
Education: I’m edumatcated
Experience: I’ve been around
Skills: Very skillful at getting juicy gossip!
Activities: Watching Oprah, Sally and Soaps
P.S. I am a strong independent women so you won’t be telling me what to do. And no I won’t bring you coffee.
March 9th, 2007 at 12:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Still, is it the same for CVs?
March 9th, 2007 at 12:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
It’s the same for anything that doesn’t involve either straps, no-straps, or a small amount of Scotch tape for purposes of false advertising.
-Dick
March 9th, 2007 at 1:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: bf10a3232eb3c
yeah, well, that is about the modern take on things, isn’t it.
The Geez is a guy in a female dominated field (administration) and I can’t count the number of emails I get “Dear Laides”. GeezusHKeericed.
At least one looks good that sits in front of me, when she is not openly sobbing and bawling in her cube about somesuch.
The Geezer
March 9th, 2007 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9982ab940f782
Ya ive seen the deer in the headlights look when a woman screws something up and PANIC lol. Then ofcourse you know your the man that has to fix it. Thats because women arent confident in what they do and dont know enough to get everything right. A man thats qualified always has his angles right knows what to do. Pure design by God.
March 9th, 2007 at 5:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Surely, my home rig has more uptime than woman managed linux servers(double foul). If there even is such a thing as a woman sysAdmin.