It’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.
Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.
In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live.
Men are better than women at coffee. First of all, women make shitty coffee. The man-invented coffee maker does a perfect job of making perfect coffee. Then women go and fuck it up with two packs of sugar and a half pint of cream. Why not just drink caffeinated honey, you big fat fucks?
Also, women are simple and retarded.
Simple and Retarded
When men drink coffee, it doesn’t become the focal point of our personalities. It’s just coffee. Settle the fuck down. Men are complex and interesting and there are better things in the world for us to base our personalities on. Faster things. Louder things. Things that are immortalized in bronze and steel. Men cost more than $3.65 plus tip.
Women are simple and boring. They only mature enough in their crappy lives to embrace a handful of simple and boring things. Things like dogs and babies and weddings. Weddings are so simple women can actually plan them with little help from men. That’s because you can’t fuck up a wedding. Weddings are already permafucked.
Women have the maturity level of circus freaks. If they’re not bored out of their skulls sitting at a nice restaurant with nothing interesting to say and no one to give a fuck about it, then they’re ecstatic with mania. Women only have two levels on their emotional thermostat: Dead and Crazy. That’s why they obsess about the simple trinkets in their lives — like coffee — with the tenacity of spoiled two year olds.
Also, women are full of shit.
Full of Shit
When a man is busy, he gives off the impression that he is busy. When a woman is an abject failure at life, she compiles a universe of quirks and preferences to give off the impression that she’s busy. An obsession with coffee is a perfect example of this.
Coffee is the first and easiest shortcut to martyrdom. After all, if a woman is so dangerously addicted to coffee, doesn’t that mean her daily struggles and Woman Workload require almost a man-sized supply of energy?
Any woman who is obsessed with coffee is trying to tell you something:
“Appreciate me for how hard I work at looking like I’m working hard.”
Man Zen.
Self-Obsession is easier than Self-Improvement.
Coffee is to women what boobs are to men. No matter what’s happening around us, we’re still partly thinking about boobs. The same goes for women and coffee. The difference is that a man-brain can be divided into many different tasks. Dividing a she-brain is like trying to fold a CD in half. If you try to, make sure you don’t wear protective goggles because that would be a loss of Man Points.
Asking a woman to embrace anything more complicated than “beans plus heat equals coffee” is like expecting a couch to fit in your buddy’s Civic. Asking a woman to obsess about nostalgia and sloth, however, is like not asking her anything at all and letting her continue about her daily business — which was obsessing about nostalgia and sloth.
Coffee is about putting fire in your brain so you can get off your ass and start pounding rivets. It’s not meant to be enjoyed.
“What’s a rivet?” says a woman.
Rivets are like men. They hold the world together.
Case Studies in the Self-Obsession and False Martyrdom of a Female Coffee Obsession:
Mommy Needs Coffee!
Busy Mom!
Coffee Mom!
*Listed in order of fatness
Leave it to a mother to think of a way to “need” a break from the permanent vacation of motherhood.
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March 6th, 2008 at 2:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Wow, that was pointless. Did you just pick a random thing (coffee) and then try and babble on about nothing…? Because that is what you just did.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Every post is him rambling over some pointless topic, and it always ends up reslulting in one of the limited but reused topics: we make horrible mothers, are idiots, whores, full of shit, self-obsessed, talk too much, and are useless. But, that doesn’t stop me from continuously posting.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Oh, just shut up you bitches and get some more coffee.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0cde49f3f92a9
Hilary, that is because you are a horrible mother, an idiot, a whore, full of shit, self-obsessed, you talk to much, and you are fucking useless.
You take pride in posting on a website that hates you for your stupid ways, and yet you keep posting, what a mark of pride and respect, that you can keep writing on the internet.
Go die.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
I don’t take any pride, just pure entertainment. Your response just adds to the pure and delicious fun I get out of posting, not quite pride. Oh, and I don’t intend on dying anytime soon, although, you never know.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Who’s entertainment do you get out of it? Yours?
Is your life so lonely, so sad that ‘attempting to piss off random people on the internet’ is your sole joy in life?
Tsk, tsk.
You fail at the game of life. No need to retaliate; you simply fail.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 970aa0e2b9589
Maybe what Dick was getting at was the importance women assign to certain things as opposed to men. Polite conversation is one that comes to my mind. For example, if we are waiting in line at the supermarket and I strike up a conversation with you it is only because I wish to pass the time more quickly and perhaps I’m guessing you’ve got something interesting or witty to say. IT’S NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK YOU! OR THAT I AM DISSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE, OR THAT YOU’RE HOT, ETC.
OK? Stop the self-flattery.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Hey, they do the exact same thing, at least most of them do. It’s not my goal to piss them off, it’s just a pleasant bonus. Besides, who ever said that was my sole joy in life? Having fun paraphrasing to make yourself seem lije the better man? Oops, excuse me, bigger woman.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I’ll admit, it is pretty entertaining to discover what new crazy ideas Dick has come up with. It is even more entertaining to watch how pissed off you men get. It is also very entertaining to be able to sit back and KNOW how wrong and hateful you men are… but you are all so clueless. You discriminate against half of the population… all because we are biologically different… it’s sad really… I just feel kind of sorry for all you because you either a)Have had a shitty relationship with a girl that you have not been able to move past or b)Have had a horrible relationship with your mother that you have not learned how to get over yet. It’s sad you fail to recognize any good qualities in women. Yes women are emotional and a bit neurotic, yes some women are whores… yes some women are HORRIBLE mothers… point? I know some pretty shitty fathers too… I know guys who have rated women, I know men who are in jail, I know men who are alcoholics and destroyed their families… but do I hate men? No, of course not because not all men are like that. Like I have said before on other blogs, I would have nothing to say if Dick and you guys were like “some women…yada yada ya..” or “i knew a woman who was…” or “my girlfriend is a …” but it’s the fact you say all women are like this…. it must suck waking up with so much hate in your hearts. And you can sit there and say “we dont HATE them” but really… you must… because you say things about women that most people would only say about their enemies. Do I believe Dick truly hates women… I dont know, I’ll go with no because I think this whole thing is a publicity stunt that probably only started out by him venting over some chick who didnt want his sorry ass anymore. How would you all feel, honestly, if I started a site tomorrow about how all black people are stupid, worthless, don’t know how to have sex, are whores, only care about money… etc.? Because that is what you are doing, but instead of using black people you are targetting women… women who have been oppressed for the majority of time… and now it’s like a bunch of bullshitters are trying to stir up shit and dangerous ways of thinking… nevermind, this is so pointless. It’s so obvious I’m trying to communicate with a bunch of uneducated morons.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
raped women*****
March 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Who’s ‘they’? ‘They’ do the exact same thing? As in… the MEN that are welcome here more than you and me are? They have every right to get on your case because not only do you say the most idiotic things in here, but you don’t contribute whatsoever to the knowledge that Dick or any other random man says. You simply dismiss it.. for what? ‘Fun’.
All I’m saying is, you could be having a lot more fun doing other things than trying to piss off strangers on the internet.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Oh and btw:
Yeah, not reading that shit.
Looks like someone is hopped up some coffee though….
March 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Actually I haven’t drank any coffee today… so that made no sense.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Once again, not purposely attempting to piss someone off. As I’ve said to Kelly B, I’m upset nor blame them for insulting me, I am the one posting where I am certaintly not wanted. Besides, I do find it fun. I haven’t been on for longer than an hour in a month or two, so what, now that I’ve posted a few times I have no life? Fine then, see it as you want.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ac004c6187ed
You got to love that”I could say black people are stupid but I won’t!” The fact that you suggested not only shows your apparent hate for them, but you’re much to cowardly to express your hateful opinion because you fear being outted for your stupidity. Instead of being so uppity about someone else you should look into your own hate spewing mind and judge yourself. You poor pitiful child you. First gays, then blacks, who next?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Are you honestly an idiot? If you are going to quote me at least quote me right. And I was trying to demonstrate the fact that people who are prejudice against blacks or any race or religion are no better than people who are prejudice against women. My point was the fact you are basing your prejudice on something that is biological… something that people are born with. In this case I was comparing blacks to women because you are no different from people who discriminate against blacks… do you understand? Jesus fuck.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Sorry Arbalest, I don’t know who you are addressing. Is it me or Kelly B?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Nevermind, I read Kelly B’s post.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
whoemever was the folgers coffee marketing guy was a genious.
he also made the best commercials. ther eis about 6-7 of them that i have that are man-masterpieces themselves just like this article.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 66307f2033b1b
Now you know why so many of us just skip over them.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5idyptK15w
March 6th, 2008 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avsp_UJ3mrY
March 6th, 2008 at 5:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4324edb35e1d7
hillary, these posts are not the same, this one is about coffee, what usually doesnt change though is that at almost every topic, men are better then woman.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
That is quality media. Reinstating those advertisements would give any business a world of clientèle.
It would be worth any conceivable risk for one, just one of those organizations branded sexist beyond reproach - Playboy, etc. - to begin test-marketing such artistic, classy adverts.
Royally excellent - thank you for reminding me of what taste and talent feels like.
Watch the manholes flap their jowls with a world of hypothetical and ethical reasons in some inane attempt to discourage the inevitable. If they had any knowledge of history, they would understand that anything that can happen will happen.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9
Dear Kelly B,
Sexism and Racism are two completely different things. The main difference being that if everyone had interracial sex for a few generations then there would only be one race and only countries. Comparing this to building a website to Black website I believe proves you are raciest but above all. Its just Coffee. Settle the Fuck down.
PS thats to all the women that feel the same or are offended by the site, Also I only read this website for entertainment purposes (yes my entertainment ((to those who are stupid)))
March 6th, 2008 at 7:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
To Bob, actually, I find racism and sexism equal. Both discriminate over such a trivial thing that someone can’t control, such as their skin color or gender. And, just to add, I mean sexism as against either sex, not just women.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: bf1f8818f8ec7
Ahhhhh. Thank you.
A great print ad in return…
http://www.corpun.com/11371.jpg
March 6th, 2008 at 7:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: e33b7a7afb56f
Anyone else see the irony in this?
March 6th, 2008 at 7:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 08444efbf4b03
Who cares? GTFO.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Ha ha, great call! What a stupid bitch!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 59419be21c336
She seriously enjoys the attention. What she doesn’t get is that none of us can pick her out of the other 5,893,568 trolls that post on here, so it’s almost a lost cause.
..Actually I take that back. She might be the head Troll here.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I am not racist and nothing I have posted indicates so.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
All feminists are bigoted racists. We all know this, you’re just another loudmouthed bigot, another stupid cunt who is used to being the one IN the lynch mob having everyone stick up for her, not the one getting a well-deserved stoning.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
The difference KellyTramp is there is nothing but mountains of science and experience proving that women are weaker, intellectually incapable, and lying sluts.
Your order is dying.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Here we go:
http://outsidethewire.mensnewsdaily.com/2007/04/11/never-having-to-say -youre-sorry/
It seems the bitch is beat. Ouch, that’s going to follow her.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
So, uh, how is not marrying fat, ugly bitches like you a bad thing again? Jesus Christ, I swear I’m never going to buy into this monogamy shit again.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 67caec8fb3425
Another awesome article Dick
My Mum couldn’t move from the couch in the morn until she finished 2 pots of coffee. Then she moved like a tortise. We move just grab a cup and run.
Women are like children in everything. Women have zero integrity. Never trust a woman, ever.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ac004c6187ed
And the poor child doesn’t even see her bigotry.
How would you all feel, honestly, if I started a site tomorrow about how all black people are stupid, worthless, don’t know how to have sex, are whores, only care about money… etc.?
Come on. Anyone with half a brain can see that’s racist. That’s something you don’t even say rhetorically. The fact that you bothered defending it makes you worse then Dick. Do you understand or is rhetorically too big a word for you?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Define feminist? Someone who sticks up for women when men are trying to degrade them? Then yeah I suppose I am. And what the hell are you talking about, “not the one gettings a well deserved stoning”…. like really, grow up.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
You are seriously dumb. I’m not racist at all, I have a roommate who is black, I have friends who are black, mexican, chinese, japanese, native… like really… I said what I said because I was using an example seeing how in the USA it seems to be the biggest racist issue… racism against blacks, and I was comparing how if I started a site saying those things (which I wouldnt thats why we are speaking hypothetically) then I would be at your level. People who are racist against blacks (or any race) judge that race soley because its that race, and you men judge women simply because we were born without a dick, balls, or whatever else. And my point is that you can’t help what RACE you are and you can’t help what SEX you are, do you understand?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Never trust a woman? why not? I’m the most honest person I know. I would never steal, lie, or cheat to anyone. I also grab my coffee and run… ? like really! You cannot generalize all women into one category because not every woman will ever fall into it, and I seem to be the exception, gee thanks!
March 7th, 2008 at 7:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
First of all…. “lying sluts”… define “sluts”… anyways… I have been honest and faithful to my boyfriend for over 5 years… and I’m only 20! Weird! Women are weaker in the biological sense… we are more emotional but a lot of that is due to socialization… and yes we are physically weaker… but the insides of our bodies are delicate, we are not supposed to lift heavy things, etc. Intellectually incapable? Is that why I am an “A” student at a leading Liberal Arts University in Canada? Is that why I have receieved many scholarships and awards (based on academic performance and NOT because I am female)? Once again, nothing you have said applies to me, OR many females I know.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:40 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Liberal Arts is the MIT of women.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Well there’s a lot of men at my school too, and it’s funny because you need higher marks to be accepted there then at the other University down the hill which has sciences and engineering. Also, it has nothing to do with my sex, I’m studying what pertains to my career choice.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 65b13ad1c1e05
Hahahaha….liberal arts. Sorry but that is just extremely amusing. Also, I was wondering when you would shut the fuck up?
*D3C*
March 7th, 2008 at 7:57 am - IP Man-Hash: d8b49cd0ae329
Hate to break it to you, but a) it’s a liberal arts school, which requires talent, not necessarily smarts, having gone to one myself; b) anyone can get high marks in grade school, it’s just a matter of doing what the teacher tells you to do; and c) it’s canada. There haven’t been a whole lot of turn-the-world-upside-down style inventions, art, writing, or anything really to come out of canada. In fact, you all are known for hockey and pilsner, and hockey is the only one that doesn’t suck.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I’d rather be Canadian than American first and foremost so there’s no need trying to put Canada down. And last time I checked, studying Psychology and Sociology requires more than “talent.” Same with studying Law… my friend just got accepted to major Law schools in Canada after only studying at my school for 3 years, not even the full 4. So I’m not really sure what you’re going on about, but sure.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 195818f06c6e0
OK, that’s it.
I was going to invite you to go with me to Starbuck’s today, but, now I’m not gonna.
And, I’m hurt deep inside. No, really. Woe unto me. And stuff.
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee.
I’m sorry, I got lost there for a minute. What with being at work and vacationing from motherhood and all.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:09 am - IP Man-Hash: 60bbd967a6d59
Do you kiss your horse every morning? lol
March 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 6964c4c40c0c5
@Kelly B
The reason your friend got into a Major Law School was because she was a woman. Affirmative action for women is an awful, awful thing. Just think, your friend just took the spot at that school that could have been given to a smarter more intelligent male, but because she was a broad she was given preference. Typical.
And to Murph: I’m Canadian, no need to bash us, we have the same discusting, selfish, cheating, lying women you have. Sometimes I think ours are worse.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Actually she got accepted because she is an A+ student in criminology and psychology. What part of Canada?
March 7th, 2008 at 12:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
@Muzalon-
I dont have a horse….???
March 7th, 2008 at 12:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac263f06d7774
The fact that you counted how many people are what race is pretty much a sign of racism. And give it up, you came here insulting every person here and now you want to give a equality speech? Come on.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
I am not racist at all, so you may as well drop it.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Yeah but you’re still a woman, so you still lose.
*as do I, but you’re the more obnoxious of the gender.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9c5fed5a08109
Yep, you sure are a cool one, aren’t you?
March 7th, 2008 at 2:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac263f06d7774
IF you weren’t racist you wouldn’t have brought up black people in the first place. Brining up the suffering of people just to prove a point is about as racist as you can get.