The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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In the days when I was a dumbass and used to respect women I had a friend who used to literally boot women out of his apartment after fucking them. Even if it was 2:00 at night, he’d call a cab and explain to the girl that he prefered being on is own after sex. If she’d throw a fit, he would throw a £20 cab fare and tell her to fuck off. I used to get into an argument with him trying to convince him not to treat women that way.
Over time I’ve come to understand what he was on about. As heterosexual men we are caught between finding women sexually desireable yet socially nauseating so you either turn celibate or put up with them long enough to get your rocks off.
Well, besides being a champion of men’s rights here, I also advocate men’s rights on other forums on occasions when I can. I have noticed that the men usually like to take sides with women even when it is apparent the woman is wrong. You probe these betas further and they will go “erm?” because they are fucking stupid and all they wish is to get laid.
“Am I the only one who’s sick and tired of seeing women get away with anything and being treated like superior citizens than men, only because men want to get laid no matter what and women use this to manipulate men into giving them special rights, priviliedges and a protected status? Men are fucking dumb for allowing their horniness put the shackelss in them like this.
P Coderch”
I think it has less to do with sex than survival. Men are raised by women. Every authority figure that a boy has until he hits puberty is a power-abusing woman who will not hesitate to use violence at the drop of a hat the second her authority is called into question.
Since men are smart and can anticipate outcomes, they begin to try to pre-empt violence and stupidity by feeding women validation. In childhood, this is a survival tactic boys must adopt in order to get through to adulthood.
This effect is especially strong when the mother is abusive, aka a woman. The child is conditioned since toddlerhood to be a happy, willing punching bag and a slave. The hidden message from her is “go ahead and complain. I’ll abandon you and make another kid that knows how to listen.”
Is it any wonder that some adult males will then salivate once the bitch-bell is rung? Obeying women becomes a subconscious attempt to remain alive.
That is how twisted shit is these days.
I totally agree with you and no you are not alone. But so far people i know who don’t let their cock working against them are the more educated ones and know how to drink :) Men should go on a sex strike :D
Am I the only one who’s sick and tired of seeing women get away with anything and being treated like superior citizens than men, only because men want to get laid no matter what and women use this to manipulate men into giving them special rights, priviliedges and a protected status? Men are fucking dumb for allowing their horniness put the shackelss in them like this.
P Coderch
Men are the only ones capable of true love. Women love the “symbol” of what a man represents, not him. Women usually fall in love with men who have money and power; in other words, they love what he represents - social status - and not the person per se. Only men are capable of truly falling in love for people.
P Coderch
Now THAT is worth some fucking Man-Points!
Savant kicks man-ass!
Here’s what you gotta do. Fuck her, but don’t give her ANY information at all. Accidentally give her the wrong number, say you have no myspace or e-mail address, and NEVER let her know your last name.
That way, you are a ghost. Single moms are great in bed… you know they know what they’re doing because… well, they’ve certainly practiced. And they will do anything to win you over, because YOU are her future ride through college.
Hopefully, she will be your ride until tomorrow morning. Haha.
It actually depends, Vin.
I would say no if you fuck her once, get the idea, and then run like hell.
I would say yes if you don’t run fast enough…………..
I’m trying to figure out if that’s better or worse. O.o Ew.
Hobot: I dig it, you dig it, we dig it, he has no Man-anything, except a penis.
She isn’t a hag, fuck, she is only 23 with those 4 kids!!! Ha!
I did suggest he donkey punch her though……….
Ok, ive done the first one! now just to try a gummi worm pizza!
And i dont give s sh*t about ‘moving’ crap! i just mean if something horrible has happened if it is ACCEPTABLE for a man to cry! (I.E. if he had just lost his father, although i wouldnt consider this one because you wouldnt cry, you would pull it up and work hard! But you catch my drift)
Mantastic article Dick.
– Yet again the wise man speaks!
The more sex you get at the beginning of a relation ship, the shorter she wants to hold her fake character, they think the more sex they give, the better the chance you fall in love. Love is a men thing by the way, only a men thing. Some are surprisingly good at holding their character tho, you could almost believe in it! But someday and soon enough, it all comes down to that useless, knowledge less, money less, creativity less person. If you ever dated girls, you know that all of her sentences are not hers. Every god damn thing is borrowed, from you or from other men. But they don’t even understand what they are saying ! For the most, they use phrases as sounds, not as words. If they hear something and have heard it before, they can easily shoot that manly answer even if it doesn’t make any sens on that context ! They don’t think words. They only think things as a scene, something visual with sounds and feelings (not) where everything that comes out is just whatever story they want to tell themselves, just like playing with a fucking Barby doll house.
King Wang:
Your friend is fucking retarded for hooking up with an old hag with 4 kids in the first place, and then even stupider when he found out she was a drug addicted slut who would leave her kids behind.
Where are his Manstincts? Call the child services and get those children out of her incapable crone claws and into a home run by someone who knows what the fuck is going on.
The man points lost in picking such a drug addicted slovenly cum bucket make me want to punch several hippies in some sort of domino type of situation.
Well, I have a friend that has a gal he isn’t married to that has 4 kids that are not his who leaves him on a monthly basis in the typical bullshit “huff” phase to go fuck some crank dealer in Dallas, TX only to come back broke while he took care of the kids.
His excuse for keeping her and not burying her in the back yard?
“I been with her for 7 YEARS”.
I told him he was insane, stupid, a fucking complete retard.
He did not think I was funny, then I related the wisdom of using cold hard cash to rent a woman THREE TIMES as hot as that gal is, with no kids (or none I care about) who is ACTUALLY skilled sexually (not the old prison style “lay there and take it” bullshit).
He is now understanding my point of view. Much more, because when a whore calls me, I tell her I am not interested, stop calling bitch. She then stops calling, because she knows the money is gone, and she wasn’t worth it.
He did bitch about how he went broke that one time he kicked her out.
I said, “Hey dumbfuck, the moment you slid sausage to her, you were FUCKED. Now, had you THOUGHT about what you were doing BEFORE you actually did it, you would be like me, having enough money to go fuck a penthouse style gal for an hourly wage”.
His best option is to cut his losses and run. Fuck, vaginas are replaceable, the same as my shoes. There is always one SOMEWHERE not doing anything useful right now…………
So, why in the world would you want a girlfriend?
“Well… I just wanna have someone there, you know? Someone that will always be there for me. You know, care about me m’ stuff.”
You do know that women only convince you that they care in the first place? Once they get you to sign onto the relationship contract using lies like “lots of sex”, “always take care of my man”, “real men are with one woman” and “don’t you wanna be secure and settled?”
As soon as you grind your testicles into a bloody ink and use that to sign the monogamy contract, that completely negates the female’s need to do anything for you whatsoever, because now she has what she wants?
“Well, this girl is different. She’s not like other girls.”
I suppose she told you that?
“….well, yeah….”
Of course she did. Just wait until commonlaw sets in and she poops out children. Than she’ll really be there for you. She’ll be there for your keys, your house, your money, your clothes and your dog. But first, she’s going to be there for your best friend and the heroin dealer down the street. Of course she told you that you fucking moron! She knew you were stupid enough to trust her!!!!
“Of course… I love her, so I’m gonna trust her!”
I love my dog. I don’t trust him.
“My girlfriend isn’t a dog!”
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.
…. -actual conversation-