The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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November 11th, 2007 at 1:22 am - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
And yet they fail miserably, whereas men have managed to have a lovely family, a great job, and close friends all at the same time, and have done so for thousands of years. It’s only when women decided to try to take control of all of that that things fell apart.
Women are so obsessed with what they are able to do, they forget about what they ACTUALLY do. I’ve seen women who will argue until they are blue in the face that women belong in combat alongside other men in a war, but will the freak the fuck out upon seeing a spider, screeching for the nearest man to kill it.
Apparently to her, a tiny little arachnid is more terrifying than someone who wants to gun you down with an assault rifle. Excuse my boldness, but I would not want to fight alongside someone like that. She would he a liability.
The moral of the story? Women need to stop being a liability. Stop talking about doing things and fucking DO THINGS.
November 11th, 2007 at 1:40 am - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
That’s right.
Until you get shit right, let the man take over - you aren’t mature enough to take over your own lives and sure-as-fuck aren’t ready to order other people around.
Stay out of world affairs and the judicial system, alright, sweetie? You may notice that the whole ‘potential rapist’ clause just makes men angrier and insures that no, you will not be free of criticism. Further attempting to censure a politically and socially stronger force will just dig a deeper grave for female-supremacy.
I feel that I know better what’s good for me than a cocky little 12-year-old. Having a twat has nothing to do with it - you aren’t a fucking princess, okay, little whore? And I sure as fuck don’t want to live in constant fear of even being accused of exploiting an ugly, dirty, undeveloped prostitute I wouldn’t poke with a 12-foot-pole. Guess what? All men are not pedophiles and perverts - claiming they are for attention is like screaming ‘nigger’ in South Africa. You really only have your own stupidity to blame for what follows.
But apparently it is empowering to be a slut and accuse the one good man of rape. God knows the thought is everything, and being an ungrateful cunt really doesn’t help society - or you.
November 11th, 2007 at 1:51 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
You know what Vindication? I know a guy that was in the army, he was introducing American troops to our land. When show casing some of our native wildlife in glass cases he introduced a huntsman, the troops freaked out and asked if there were any anywhere else, he said yes look there’s one on the wall, they freaked. When he took them into the forest they wouldn’t crawl like they were supposed to out of fear they might come across a huntsman.
What do you have to say about these guys then?
November 11th, 2007 at 2:45 am - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
I say that those men are some of those still afflicted by the horrors of the over-feminization of our culture.
Bottom line, men in this day and age are getting it from all angles. Women who use them, take their children and their money, and move on. Society that backs up the outrageous claims. Zero reproductive rights, few monetary rights, zero parental rights.
I remember the first time I really got angry about it all. It’s silly, but it’s not. It was a pizza commercial, for some pizza place that was offering salads as a new promotion. The guy goes to order pizza for him (what he wanted) and a salad for her (what she wanted,) claiming he was ordering “healthy food.” The wife, upon seeing the pizza arrive, slaps him across the face, and he hands her his pizza.
I remember watching that and thinking that if it were the other way around, that commercial never would have aired. I wondered why it was okay to slap me, but not the other way around. I thought about girlfriends who used me to the avail of society, times girls had struck me and I could do nothing but take it… and for the first time, I got really, really angry about it. Those feelings spun themselves into hate (which I am proud to say I never acted on) for a while, but that wasn’t the answer.
I, as a man, want the right to not be hit. I want the right to have a child and know that my wife can’t just decide to leave with him. I want to be able to take a chance on love and know that if it turns out it was all a facade from her that I don’t owe her 50% of the rest of my life. I want to know that if my wife cheats on me that the courts will find in my favour for being faithful, and not in hers just because she’s the woman.
It’s too bad though, it looks like my generation doesn’t get to have those things. If I EVER find myself having such a life, I’ll spend the rest of it thanking God himself for it, because by all accounts, I never will.
I speak up and alienate “women” on a daily basis. I am giving up the life I want to fight that maybe in a generation or two men will get to have the lives they deserve as human beings. Women and men deserve to be happy. All of us do. It’s just that right now women are losing their fucking minds in a system that favours them, and they’re destroying good lives. Lives of husbands, children… everyone.
There are a few good women out there, but in all honesty, the vast majority of you are a bunch of spoiled little girls running around making everyone else’s life hell so they can play princess.
It has to end. I will not be quiet about it anymore. And the answer for men is not to sheepishly approach women and ask to be equal again. Fuck that. We’re going to do what we do best and TAKE that shit back. Women wanted to play with the guys? Fine, but this is no-holds-barred-victor-takes-all, and we men are really, REALLY good at that.
Women want to use men through a broken and corrupt marriage system? Ha, I just won’t get married. Oh shit girls, looks like you might have to work for a living. Good luck with that.
November 11th, 2007 at 6:36 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Clair you think mothers are being mocked by society? Look at the last 30 years and you’ll see why. Women couldn’t lead a horse to water in the middle of the Great Lakes. Lost fatherhood screwed our world over.
Feminism and having it all. Quit crying. It’s a myth that mom works full time and does all the work at home. Mom works quite a few less hours out of it. Most men do their fare share at home. But women want to run home from their part time job and watch Dr. Phil, the expect to split chores evenly.
November 11th, 2007 at 7:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 77fd3754a1322
Unless you categorically do not want children at all, then of course its selfish. Just because your children do not exist right now that doesnt mean that the decisions that you make now will not affect them when you are a mother.
So your husband and children, who you say deserve the best of you will also be a cause for resentment because you didnt get a chance to do ‘this and that’ first. This and that?
What we want in life is not always a decision made by us but is often society pressurising us to be happy only if we behave in a certain way. Your parents, movies, music, friends, advertising, billboards and magazines. All of these factors have been hugely influenced by feminism. You may very well be resentful if you started a family before you did ‘this and that’ but only because feminism is telling you that there is a better alternative out there. Its a lie and there isnt.
The truly driven extreme feminists want men not only sidelined but totally defeated and what better way to do that but to attack what men have always put most importance on. The traditional family.
They do not care if divorce rates hit the roof, children live without fathers or go through a series of stepfathers, or if they have to live without their ‘mother’ because she now single is trying to also be a father, or if women jump from one relationship to another as often as they change shoes, as long as women believe they come first then thats all that matters.
That puts family and society last, women and feminism first. Yes it is selfish.
November 11th, 2007 at 10:48 am - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
As men we do a lot of things very, very right. Part of being a man, however, is admitting when someone else is right with dignity and respect.
Even if that person is a woman.
Clair, I’m going to go ahead and agree with what you have to say here.
If someone has things they want to do before they have kids, I completely advocate them doing so. Otherwise they’re just going to be stricken with wanderlust later in life and either leave their family or live a miserable life.
However, whatever those actions are, I WOULD hope they choose them with a sense of responsibility, and allow them to affect their eventual family decisions. If heading out into the world involves serious crimes, I would not want to bring that down onto a family. If heading out into the world involves a torrent of drunken one-night stands, that woman should both get tested for the diseases she probably got infected with, and be HONEST with her eventual husband-to-be about her past. Slept with five-hundred people? Yes, this is something you shouldn’t keep secret from your husband. The later he finds it out, the more likely it is that it will kill him when he does.
HOWEVER, credit where credit is due, I agree with you on this point Clair.
November 12th, 2007 at 4:00 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Ok then, I just find it odd that you mocked the girls who were afraid of spiders but rationalized the guys who were afraid of spiders. If you notice, that’s what the bad feminists do.
That’s really good you picked up on that, and believe it or not I actually agree with you. But if you notice men and females are seriously exploited. Girls are glorified if they’re sexually appealing to boys and boys are glorified if the sexually attractive girls pay them attention and they have there way with as many as possible. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, so I won’t go any further, but all it’s doing is setting the individual up for insecurities and society is fueled off that.
That was the single best quote I read on this site. And I agree with you.
Again, I agree with you. And that was probably one of the most rational arguments that I read on here.
Geeza said:
Whatever floats your boat. I dunno, maybe you wanna try and land that dream job that will take a couple years of full time work, maybe you want to travel….I don’t know.
How do you know? Each to their own buddy. You don’t want to live your life with ‘what ifs?’.
Yes that is selfish, but I don’t think putting off a family for a while to do what makes you happy, doesn’t make you selfish.
Thank you.
November 12th, 2007 at 5:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 04dfe54b1baa5
Then I truely have wasted my time, because I completely understand that point of view. Feminism is ruining our world because women should not be in any place of authority. Hillary Clinton is a dumbass, women should not run the nation we would be at war 7 days a month… I would never put myself in so much control. Women are not fit for office. I honestly doubt Hillary will ever make it as president and if she does she will be assassinated within the week of inauguration.
Women can be smart and make something of themselves but the power hungry, man-like women are insane and need to get over themselves and their power complex. Once again we need peace and with the supposed to be passive women trying to rule, that will never be accomplished. Women need to take their role back to being the caregiver and the ones full of love.
November 12th, 2007 at 6:36 am - IP Man-Hash: d8dfaf3496c8b
Fucking well said. +100 manpoints. If women wish to challenge men as equals, they are going to be fucked, rolled over and fucked again. There is no way in hell men are going to lose. Winner takes all? Heh.
November 12th, 2007 at 6:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: b12400ac12905
“I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison. That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal. That was another pun.”
Regarding use of the word “pun” in the preceding sentences (from dictionary.com):
Pun - 1. the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.
I’ll admit, I’m just a member of that gender you hold in such low esteem, but logical thought process in my teeny, tiny brain indicates that…you used that word incorrectly. You’re wrong! Any chance you’re also unfamiliar with the definition of “ignoramus”?
November 12th, 2007 at 10:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
What the fuck? Will win? You never lost, nor did you ever have a disadvantage, YOU”RE ON THE WINNING END!. Okay, theres the whole family courts thing heavily favored towards women. Now got anything else? Women have a disadvantage for just about everything. You think YOUR gender is scrutinized in the media? PFFT. You complain about all the slutty girls running around, thank the media and thank yourselves. Women have been on the losing end for ages, schools teaching methods have only recently begun to begin to cater to the learning styles of girls, instead of just the boys, women are still looked at second rate to men, if there’s a man or women for a job and both are equally qualified chances are the man will get it because sexism is so ingrained into society. Hence the rise of feminism.
November 12th, 2007 at 10:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
Apparantly the fact that our society has catered to the little bitches would explain why our national debt is so high.
Buy, buy, buy! Bush supports the war on terror, protect the babies, duh!
The rise of feminism is some self-centered bullshit that started out as an honest effort to allow equality to prevail, and was hijacked by sluts like you who just wanted to feel superior just for having a vagina.
You are so, so stupid. Really, no wonder nobody likes you.
November 12th, 2007 at 10:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Think before you speak. I’m not American.
November 12th, 2007 at 11:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
Can you comprehend ‘western?’ As in westernized, or having been spoiled rotten and expecting everything on a silver dish? If you’re an ungrateful slut, I’m not going to stalk you and look up your background just for your convenience. Hell, stalking - you bitches bring that shit on yourselves.
Fuck, you think before you speak.
November 12th, 2007 at 11:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
You weren’t talking about purely Western civilisation. There is a world beyond your own buddy. So yes, to answer your queation I can comprehend Western, but you weren’t talking about Western things.
And, you won’t stalk me if I’m ‘an ungrateful slut’….what are you saying, you will if I’m not?
Think before you speak.
November 13th, 2007 at 12:03 am - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
Uh, no. You’re wrong on the whole stalking count - I don’t believe in the golden pussy, or vagina worship in general.
Poor, poor catered little girl. Wants me to do her thinking for her.
November 13th, 2007 at 12:09 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
So stalking translates to a “golden pussy” mentality or “vagina worship”?
Think before you speak.
November 13th, 2007 at 1:52 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Clair if you really think the only area men get screwed is family court, your dumber than I thought.
November 13th, 2007 at 3:28 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Go on elaborate. Give me more examples where men are at more of a disadvantage then women. I’d like to hear more, I may agree with you.