The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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November 10th, 2007 at 1:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: ceeb4e25bbf8e
We do not hate women.
I’m sorry you wasted your time. See, this is why we don’t allow stupid little girls on this site - it isn’t out of fear, you just spam up the forums and make yourselves look bad.
November 10th, 2007 at 3:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 71d59c11727af
If you do not hate women then why in the hell would you waste so much time talking shit about an entire gender?
November 10th, 2007 at 7:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
The men of these generations need help. Too many have bought into the myth of a patriarchy and are lying down and taking it like doormats. CHild custody and marriage laws leave men with little to nothing, and fierce mental issues.
We are here to prevent that. We are here to remind men that they are not revenue machines for gold-digging women, but the fierce hunter-gatherers from years long past. Men have a proud history that is being crushed by an over-inflated feminism.
We do not hate women. We love you, we really do, but it’s about time someone stood up to feminists and said “Stop fucking everything up.”
November 10th, 2007 at 7:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
REAL mature. Gos GROW UP. Fine use that as part of the answer, I would take it seriously, but you were just being a plain ass then.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: d7677dd907e52
Hmmm, sounds like someone’s feathers are ruffled. Something you’re hiding?
November 10th, 2007 at 9:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Like what? It’s just that Mikey does it all the time. He’ll answer everything with a snide remark that is uncalled for.
November 10th, 2007 at 9:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9604615ec560b
*Dishes out manpoints*. Well fucking said.
November 10th, 2007 at 9:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
I don’t like patriarchy, it may work for some but I know it will not work for me. It think it should be a matter of personal choice, it should not be expected.
If I choose to get married someday, I am not changing my last name. And no, I’m not expecting him to change his name either.
I still want to work. My money is my one, his money is his money. If I choose to spend money on him that is my choice, if he wants to spend money on me then thats his choice. Although I will obviously spend money on him, because I’ll love him and everyone loves spending money on their loved ones.
And if I have kids one day, I’m not handing over all the child rearing responsibilities to the guy and I’m not having them all either. Takes two to tango, always 50/50 in relationships.
Thats me though, that won’t work for everyone. Patriarchy should be choice, not expected.
November 10th, 2007 at 10:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc0655c283574
Yeah, alphas adopt a patriarchy successful attitude in relationships. Betas basically adopt the “equality” bollock because they cant get laid anyway else - Way to emasculate them further!
November 10th, 2007 at 10:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Are you so scared of being labeled a beta that you can’t handle having equal responsibilities as a woman, you have to have more? Yeah…your not insecure.
Well guess what, I don’t submit to anyone. I’ll follow orders from people that are ranked higher ten me and if I think that the order is within reason.
But I hell as aint gonna do what my man says….cause he’s the man. Pfft. I’m a woman. I am human also. I am in charge of my life. I am responsible for me. He is responsible for himself. Yeah we’ll have each others back and all, but ultimately I take care of myself, I can do without him if needs be. And he can do without me if needs be.
I’m not co-dependent. I’m independent. Patriarchy may work for you and a million other people. But it will never work for me.
I don’t wanna be with a man that demands patriarchy, coz he’s too insecure. And I don’t want some whiney sook face poor excuse for a man. If he requests a certain way of life that translates to patriarchy chances are I’ll decline, but he’s more a a man then the one that demands it.
November 10th, 2007 at 10:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: d8dfaf3496c8b
I dont care. It will be a patriarchy for my relationship. You can do what you want with your life. For me, its a no.
November 10th, 2007 at 10:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 77fd3754a1322
Equality is unnatural. Has been throughout history and always will be.
Whether you believe in God or evolution, men are physically and mentally built to provide and protect for their families. To be a father.
And whether you believe in God or evolution, women are physically and mentally built to give birth, raise children and look after the wellbeing of their families. To be a mother.
That doesnt mean that women cannot further themselves and have a career, as long as it doesnt affect their primary role as mothers.
Feminism tells women that that what they are naturally designed to do is the least important job. ‘You dont need men, dont have children and tie yourself down’. Focus on a career, better yourself, become financially independent, basically look after number one. Motherhood has now been relegated to the bottom of her life ‘to do’ list just before her ovaries pack up.
It simply does not work. The string of divorces, abortions, single parent families, and ‘whos the father’ DNA tests since the rise of feminism is proof.
November 10th, 2007 at 11:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: d8dfaf3496c8b
@ Geeza: Well said. Basically, feminism apportions blame to men and on the patriarchy. “Dont take orders from a man, he is oppressing you” - Seriously, what the fuck? A real man who loves his spouse will never lead her to danger/harm. Infact, he will be the first to venture into harms way to protect his family. Women make sucky decisions most of the time; why? Emotional? Overly worried? Refusal to take risks? Probably all of them combined.
November 10th, 2007 at 11:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
You know whats great about being homosapien’s? We’ve evolved to a stage where no other animal has - we can defy our very own nature and it can work.
MansVoice- Like I said, that’s great if thats how you want it. I just could never submit to a man based on the grounds that he is a man. I could never submit to a m=woman based on the grounds she’s a woman. I find it really hard to submit to most things. I really love a leadership role; and I kick ass at it. I’ve been like that since I can remember. Some of my first memories involved me thinking that conforming to everything was a weakness and true strength came from individuality.
Geeza - I agree with you on that point about feminism. It is a shame. I think the role of the mother is a crucial role in society that is often mocked. But I think that “living” your life first can be a good thing before children. Some people need that, whereas others have children to live their life.
November 11th, 2007 at 12:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 77fd3754a1322
Hmmm. Sorry but I dont agree.
Women now think that living your life means that you have to exclude a husband and children. Has feminism done such a good job in brainwashing women into believing that ‘living’ consists of a self obsessed ’sex and the city’ lifestyle with a credit card for a husband and shoes and handbags for children?
Male dominated societies always burdened men with the responsibility of settling down and starting a family as soon as possible?
I can see which of the two is self-sacrificing and which is selfish. I wonder if the women can.
November 11th, 2007 at 12:20 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
If children isn’t your ideal life as of yet, then it’s not selfish to want to have a career and live rich for a while.
Wouldn’t it be awful to child rearing and the whole while you’re resenting that fact you didn’t get to do this and that? Your husband and your children desere the best of you, and the best way to do that, is to be happy. And if doing what you like before you have a family is what it takes then so be it.
On the other hand, some people all they want is to have a family, and thats all it takes to make them happy. So be it.
I’m quite young, and just a couple decades ago people would be expecting me to have children in the next few years. It’s not like that now. Thankfully. I don’t want children for ages.
Why is it selfish?
November 11th, 2007 at 12:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 92ddb20ef6c48
it isnt.the only reason men have wife is because the pizza boxes dont clean them selfs up.the floors arent gonna scrub themselfs. and take out gets annoying when the restaurant calls yu and ask whtt yu want for tonight.and the only reason men have babies is to see if it is a guy to carry on the almighty race of men.and make the otrher women feel ‘ happy’ and ‘ a use’ for her family.but reallyy we make them feel good so we dont do the same routine each night.men simply go to work and come back sit and have a beer and sit and watch the game with the son while the woman cooks the dinner and continues cleaning.
November 11th, 2007 at 12:34 am - IP Man-Hash: b97a424d9626a
@ Geeza: In addition, feminism teaches women to absolve them of all responsibilities. Fuck up? Oh, its a man’s fault. Blame the patriarchy. Oh, women didnt do shit in history? Blame it on oppression and the sexist notion of “his-story”. I detest excuses, they are for the weak.
November 11th, 2007 at 12:35 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
I don’t think that’s the reason men marry Jonah….
November 11th, 2007 at 12:43 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
How does that not seem logical tho MansVoice? If women weren’t allowed to do things, if they weren’t thought of as capable, if they weren’t educated to be academics wouldn’t that lead to them not doing much outside the home and thus not accomplish anything that benefits society? It’s not an excuse, it’s just logical.
I think with the rise of feminism women have more responsibility. Women are no expected to have a job and perfect family. You’re expected to “have it all”.