The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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First of all, to the “u r a looossseerrr” or whatever you call yourself, you are exactly what these guys are talking about. Do you honestly think you are standing up for women by saying such stupid crap about “you have a small penis,” or “you can’t get laid?” Beat it!
And Geeza, why doesn’t your friend spend the dinner, drinks, and cab money on a hooker? I’ve heard you don’t pay them for sex, you pay them to leave as soon as it is over. Problem solved, right?
MensVoice- you said something about who gives a fuck if women enjoy sex. I’m pretty sure everyone should care that their partner is enjoying sex… unless they are a rapist.
And as far as Jack’s Law goes… that is from the movie “As Good As It Gets.” Sounds like somebody’s been watching chick flicks!
I think the problem boils down to people today having a lack of respect for themselves in general. I don’t think you guys hate women, I think you hate women who don’t respect themselves. If I don’t respect myself, there is no way I should expect a man to have any respect for me. It’s an ugly vicious circle, kind of like the hippie dominos… which was a hilarious visual by the way. Thank you!
obviously, your father is the biggest dick in the world. He wasted his time with your mother, dumb bitch, which resulted in you. Your father is the stupidest motherfucker (yes mother-fucker) for dealing with a dumb bitch like your mother which produced you.
SO YOUR MOTHER IS THE #1 DUMB WHORE BITCH SLUT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, ESPECIALLY WORSE THAN WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA!!!
Are you aware that the word “pun” is not a substitute for the word “joke”? You unbelievable fuckwad, you need to look up the meaning of “pun” before you try to use it in a sentence again.
That’s an excellent way to put it. Like I said before, it’s WOMEN who are making the mental leap from us men being BETTER to us men HATING women.
Ferraris are better than bicycles. That does not, however, imply that I have a raging hatred for bicycles. It does mean if I need to get something done quickly and correctly, I’m going to choose said Ferrari over said bicycle. It’s just how it is.
One a side note, I love how fast the women are to play the “gay” card. Any man, anywhere, anytime, says anything even slightly alluding to the fact that a man is anything more than a revenue machine for a woman, and all the women proclaim him to be gay. Ladies, if anyone who spoke out against the other gender was to be homosexual, then civilization would be ending, because by that standard, 100% of women would be raging lesbians.
We’re not gay. We don’t hate you. We’re just better. Genetically, scientifically, statistically, emotionally BETTER. We’re the superior specimens on the planet. But we love you anyway. Too bad women refuse to love men back unless they’re a cowering, sniveling doormat. Even then, as soon as she’s tired of that doormat she’ll just throw him to the curb and go get another one. And his kids, his house, and half of his money.
The only thing that doesn’t make sense is that we DON’T hate you. You know what that seeming illogic is? Compassion, generosity, and genuine love. Three things that men excel over women at a thousand to one.
No, I think hes actually uglier then i thought he would be!
I think you’re Fake Dick, this is a publicity stunt. You just want to get your mug out there which is why you appeared on Dr. Phil In the first place.
Your fake, and so is the nonsense that you keep talking about.
If it wasnt for your mommas old pu*sy, you wouldnt exist.
I highly doubt your gay, you’ve just been stood up once too many times by chicks. The only pu*sy you’ve ever come close to was your moms when you crawled outta there…
Dick you are not nearly as ugly as I thought you would be
*Dishes out manpoints*
Fucking right Eyz!
Totally right and by default, totally manly Eyz.
Once again what is said by Dick flew right over the womynz head. They don’t have the intellect to comprehend what is being said, always relying on their emotions when all else fails. What can us Men do to get the point across their thick skulls?
Womynz, get back to kitchen.
@ Lauren: Women line up to date, in your language, “jerks” like him.
Dick’s distaste for women stems from the fact that they suck as people. Women NOT taking shit? You mean women NOT doing shit, right?
Did you get beat up by a women when you were young? why do you feal this way about women?
I just want to say that I saw you on the Dr. Phil show and I think that you are the most ignorant man I have ever seen in my life! You ought to be ashamed of yourself the way that you portray women! You obviously have been messed up pretty bad to bash us the way you do. After that show you would be lucky if a woman ever talks to your dumb ass ever again!! And also you walk around with your stupid sun glasses on lookin like a busted Justin timberlake, you are NOT cute! I think you hate women because we aren’t stupid enough to put up with your shit! So start by getting your facts straight about women and growing some balls to take off those stupid sunglasses! We can see the ugly through your glasses so you might as well just take them off!
We don’t need your approval Sean.
You are unbelievable. I think you are just an attention-whore Troll, but I respect your beliefs. That’s why we live in the greatest country in the world. If you really believe this stuff then keep on keeping on!
*Dishes out manpoints to Geeza*.
Well said.
“Are you gay? You must be gay. Its OK if you’re gay.”
These stupid women cannot concieve in their fluffy fairy story filled brains the possibility that any guy supporting this site could possibly be anything other than a homosexual.
Just goes to show the ‘princess complex’ that women have. If we arent slaying dragons for them, we’re gay. Well I’d say to the dragon “just let me fuck this bitch first and then you can go ahead and bite her yapping head off”.
Most women don’t get it because they are too busy chatting about meaningless shit.
Woman, listen to what I have to say. This may come as a shock to you but some men actually do things for worthy and noble causes. That is the act of being self-sacrificial which is … as the word implies… manly. What he does is for men and by men. He looks upon a fallen brother, swindled by the feminized justice system and says “Fuck, come up here brother. Together, we are going to fight back!” and that is why numerous men support Dick. We are with him all the way and believe he is a hero on the Male Liberation Front.
@ Tonya: Thank you. I dont see why the women cant get it. But then again, they are probably being emotional and avoiding the facts staring right at their faces.
I just want to say I saw you on Dr. Phill yesterday morning and I agree with just about all that you said about women these days. I am a female and I agree that women are stupid. I can’t stand how damn needy they are. You watch the bullshit on T.V., mainly these dumb reality shows and these women make themselves look like retards. For example just look at the show “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. How dumb and self absorbed can women be? I think it’s great when men point out the fact that most women are uneducated, self absorbed, nagging bitches.