The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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That was fucking manstatic. Ladies, cant you comprehend the simple fucking truth? Stop proving Dick right, it isnt funny after the TEN THOUSANDTH time. Every insult you can list: Small penis, gay, loser, poor, ugly are all FUCKING STUPID. Simply put, men are the ferraris and women are the bicycles whom we let loose on the road BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU. If it was all fair and equal, FUCK.. why THE HELL WOULD WE NEED WOMEN FOR?
Good morning Gentlemen,
Last night I got my birthday present a day early. Diamond earrings! And although I desperately wanted to ask the love of my life if my new earrings (ooooh, sparkly things!) matched my birthday suit and ride him like My Little Pony, he was tired from a very long day at work and I didn’t get to fulfill my whore end of the bargain. I just wanted to inform you that if the hair stood up on the backs of your necks last night around 10:30, it was indeed a small glitch in the Man Matrix. Not to worry though. Tonight he is taking me out to dinner, and we all know that means I have to put out. Well, either that or pay for dinner… and that would just be rediculous!
Ladies, put your claws away… and proofread for the love of God! You are typing, not text messaging. Sami, take a deep breath. And Zana, I’m pretty darned sure that there is no conspiracy to get us all yapping by saying “Women are not allowed.” I think it’s clear that they really, really don’t want us on here. So… sorry for my yapping too.
RE sami, Is it my imagination or is perpetual victim syndrome in operation again? How about stepping into the shoes of a miner, construction worker, steel worker? What harrowing ordeals do women go through exactly?
Seconded. I don’t know what I was expecting…but it wasn’t that.
Thanks for the beer MansVoice. Got distracted with work. Will join the forums sw.
I can’t believe how fucking stupid you are thinking he actually cares.
Why do you have to be so god damn filthy???
And what the is with your obsession with concubines? They’re illegal now. Where are you living where they are a reality?
Made my day.
Yeah, you bitches are just not right for me. The fact that after 50 men you won’t swallow my cum is just too much. You aren’t complicated, you’re just crazy and stupid. Between you, the annoying transvestite cunt, and a number of virgin concubines, I’ll pick the latter.
Good luck with the small penis jokes. Why in the hell are there so few girl comedians?!
“Yeah, like, sexist men are just jealous of our, like, periods and stuff and have small pricks.”
Ah, and another favorite:
“Man: Period
Bitch: I’m having mine right now.”
And who could forget the 1000-men-per-1-pussy law?
At least you’ll have a career to pay for those $10,000 9″ heels when men start paying you minimum wage for unskilled labor.
hey vindiction 24 i would you to try and pick out any guy off the streets at random chances are that when you ask him a basic science question he will get it WRONG (EMPHASIS!!!!). Women are not dumber than men on the contrary.(p.s. i am a male)
I cannot believe how fucking stupid this guy is. YOU DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ANYTHING OUTLOUD OR IN THE INTERNET. SIMILARLY YOU WOULDN’T GO AROUND COMPLAINING ABOUT RELIGIONS. YOU ALL ARE MADE STRUCTUALLY THE SAME. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE SAME SEXUAL ORGANS. THERE ARE A LOT MORE MEN DOING WHAT YOU DESCRIBED THAN WOMEN AND IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH COMMON SENSE TO FIGURE THAT OUT.
Did you ever notice that when you read these posts that the women harp on essentially the same things over and over, and whenever someone brings up a valid point to counter their ideas, they just ignore it and keep screaming words like “gay” “vibrator” and “men suck?”
This would indicate to me that either…
A. Women can’t understand what the men are saying for their lack of intellect
B. Women can’t come up with a good enough counterpoint to show any credibility, so they ignore the people who prove them wrong.
C. Women really had no point to begin with.
I’m thinking maybe a combination of the three.
Zana, take your medication and relish in the child support your probably getting. It will be a couple of generations before men slam women back into their places (probably by force) so you can relax sugar tits. Your entitlements are safe for now.
Alex, point your browser to any number of feminist websites and bitch to them because frankly we’re all stocked up on crazy over here.
How is this not discrimination? How is this not hate? How are you all not acting like nazis? Just tell me that… This is just as bad as not liking someone because of the color of thier skin… Its all the same. Its all hate. I dont know why you think we as men are better… But you are sounding very ignorant and air headed. I see how you are any better than any members of the KKK…
ATTENTION ALL LADIES! Quit giving him crap because that’s all he’s trying to do is make all the women in the world pissed off. We SHOULD all feel sorry for him.
I’m sure at some point in his pathetic life he got burned really bad by a beautiful smart women, so now, in order to make him self feel better, he feels like he has to bash EVERY woman. Every woman he pisses off, he is one step closer to gratitude.It’s really sad and I feel sorry for him, whatever happened to him… poor sad man.
Also, did you see how he says at the beginning of this, LADIES, DO NOT ENTER ANY FURTHER or whatever it said, he really WAS wanting every woman to enter, because I bet you anything, most men… REAL men could care less about this site.
Any guys that do enjoy the women bashing on this site… I’m sure you have a pathetic little story too….or you just have a pathetic little something between your legs.
Oh, ya, if there are any men reading this… by the way, a little info about WOMEN… we really DON’T need you for all those little things we ask you to do around the house (we just want you to feel good about your self once in awhile and make you feel that you have a purpose) Otherwise, we have more and more of THESE sad men in the world.
Men like these are noticing the trend… Most women have it all, intellect, money, beauty, vibrators. What does that leave men?? They need to try and put women down as much as they can in the hopes that they will weaken them, but guess what Dick, nice try!! Women have rose from years and years of being treated like shit and now we are unstoppable!! Ha ha ha ha… you suck.
Oh, ya save the any stupid comments…
wow your fucking rediculose i mean i was fucking 12 when i started working im 15 now and ive worked for everythign i have my cell phone i bought and i pay for my computer i work and bought that to all my clothes from gr. 7 and i wrked for and yes im a woman yeah theres alot of dumb blondes but you think that every woamna just live to take mens money your a fucking joke right i mean ho could someone even say that thats so selfashandinconciterate of other people and you fucking ugly as hell and you said that woman line up to date you i would date you if it was to save earth. woman do alot more than you think if you meet my mom or almost all woman in the world went in there shoes for a day you wouldnt be able to go through what my mom goes through or anyother woman infact. dont fucking judge people by there hair color im blond and im not a fucking dumb ass who only goes after richpeople you disguset me people like you need to wake up and hhit reality i mean what does your mom and grandmother think of you if you had a daughter what would you think of her?? You have no right to judge people because the few girls you’ve dateed were sluts who only waned money you have no fucking idea what some girls go through we all dont get what we want and lots work hard for it get a life please
You ought to be ashamed of yourself the way that you portray women!
Just wait till the election in 08 to see how dumb women are. Vote Hillary you stupid asses.
Risk and SW: Women suck at the internet too.
Big Al’s Law: To gain credibility women will pretend to be a man or to speak for a man.
Your man hash is showing.