The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth
Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.
That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.
That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.
That was another pun.
Is it okay to cry?
No, it’s never okay to cry.
Unless it’s after something really moving, right?
No.
My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…
There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.
Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.
Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.
A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.
Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.
Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.
Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.
Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:
1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.
Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.
When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.
And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.
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All I’m saying is do not say that the entire female population is full of dumbasses or whores for that matter. I agree that some are, but I could say the same for the male population. People are people can their not ever be peace at least between sexes. Bigots make our world regress so much further. Respect women, respect men and live life without hate. There is too much in this world to spend so much time hating. I’m not saying that you have to pretend everything is a-ok but show respect to other people, you do not know the reason for what they do.
“Look she’s using the words “dismal” and “annals”, as if she’s actually responding on-topic or making a valid counter-argument.”
Sorry about that. I’ve been reading these things called books, and the big words keep sneaking in. Were those the ones you had to look up in the dictionary?
“Yeah, men are better than women at doing crazy dangerous shit too. Maybe if you got off the couch more you would have more opportunities instead of bitching about the glass ceiling for darwin awards.”
“Turns out sitting you ass on the couch watching Oprah, cooking lackluster meals, and cheating on men doesn’t get women many Darwin awards, but they’re notably lacking in the Nobel department too.”
Seriously, you guys have to get better on your insults. It’s like you’re reading from the same page of “Chauvinism for Dummies.” Those ones were good when Al Bundy was using them, but you don’t quite have the delivery down yet.
Jokes aside, I do think that most men are decent, intelligent human beings, and have made wonderful contributions over the centuries. It’s a shame that the past fifty years or so have resulted in this stage in our society; hopefully at some point, all the feminazis and chauvenists will get their collective heads out of their butts so we can move on, because it’s getting really tedious for the rest of us.
Lynn is a fembot. Basically, she is just like Female. She writes well but doesnt make any damn sense.
Clair womens achievements have increased since feminism. Look at their strides in the porn industry.
It’s rather dangerous to fight men with statistics. Try this one on.
Total number of Nobel Prizes awarded since its inception in 1901 - 789
Total number awarded to men - 755
Total number awarded to women - 34
Meaning the award goes to a woman 4.3% of the time, and a man 95.7% of the time.
Turns out sitting you ass on the couch watching Oprah, cooking lackluster meals, and cheating on men doesn’t get women many Darwin awards, but they’re notably lacking in the Nobel department too.
Go figure.
Yeah, men are better than women at doing crazy dangerous shit too. Maybe if you got off the couch more you would have more opportunities instead of bitching about the glass ceiling for darwin awards.
Looky here: Lynn
A blast from the past.
The sleazy imbecile. Be warned, she’ll wow you with her intellect.
Look she’s using the words “dismal” and “annals”, as if she’s actually responding on-topic or making a valid counter-argument.
Hey, look at me use her methods:
Proposition: Bears are omnivorous.
She doesn’t have to say anything. A few insinuations are enough.
I think you can all expect her profound thoughts to remain comfortably in mediocrity and culturally acceptable, middle of the road, conformity.
She’ll impress you with her …”normality”.
Looky here: Lynn
A blast from the past.
The sleazy imbecile. Be warned, she’ll wow you with her intellect.
Look she’s using the words “dismal” and “annals”, as if she’s actually responding on-topic or making a valid counter-argument.
Hey, look at me use her methods:
Proposition: Bears are omnivorous.
She doesn’t have to say anything. A few insinuations are enough.
I think you can all expect her profound thoughts to remain comfortably in mediocrity and culturally acceptable, middle of the road, conformity.
She’ll impress you with his …”normality”.
You know, sometimes I truly have to stand corrected. There are definitely areas where men more than excel than women. This is pretty dismal. Did anyone know that in the past five years, there have been 106 people inducted into the annals of the Darwin Awards, and only 11 were women?
I have no idea what you are talking about…… you judge too much.
Just because you see some girls like that, doesn’t mean that they are all like that… Some men can be selfish and stupid also!!!!! I’ve seen alot of dumb disgusting men on the streets. They think they’re all that. But just because I see SOME who are like that doesn’t mean that they all are. I don’t hate men nor women. We’re all human beings and, yes, some of us can be stupid and selfish and money lovers but the day you’re in big trouble and a women or maybe a teenaged or little girl will save you, that’s when I want to hear you say that men are better than women!!
It’s not true!
P.S. I don’t use bad words to express myslef!
Sad sad sad. Generalization is pathetic, not only do I know how to use a screw driver, but ever other power tool know to men as well. Not all women hate sex, if they did you wouldn’t view them as whores. I love sex, I could out fuck any man, especially a panty waste like mister dickless douche bag here. He talks shit because he is full of nothing but hot air. I can drive anything built by a man, I possess a motorcycle license, I can do electrical wiring, pour concrete, do plumbing, change oil, tires and sparks plugs. If men were so great these things wouldn’t need to be replaced or fixed they work right the first time! Come on get off it, people either are capable or they are not and what they do or don’t have between their legs is no determinate factor for that ability.
How on earth do you get carpal tunnel in just a few minutes? So you found enough inventions by women to warrant entire MINUTES of writing, and stopped because your hand hurt?
Oh the wonders women have surely wrought on us! That their accomplishments could take not seconds, but MINUTES to write down? I am truly amazed.
Though not exactly surprised.
Is there anyway for you to know for sure if the men here have or havent achieved anything in their own personal lives? Of course there isnt.
So what is the point in wondering about it?
And that for you was such an interesting thought that you sat there wondering about it.
Good point. I wouldn’t want to make him cry.
Actually, I had an interesting thought last night. Some folk on this site so far, not necessarily all, seem to be very focused on the accomplishments and achievements of other people. I’m wondering if this is because they’ve never actually accomplished anything in their own personal lives?
Just curious.
Was my comment about you? It’s not always about you. Didn’t you watch Dr Phil?
That’s just plain uncalled for and very VERY mean.
Hey just a question, has women’s achievements increased since feminism? Just a thought.
How was I looking for an emotional response? Or how have I made an emotional comment? Pray tell. Like I said, since you wish to flaunt women’s achievements, go on and just bring it. Like what Vindication has said, longer list wins.
Lynn, while you are 100% correct, but you really don’t want to upset him and make him emotional. Seriously. It’s like listening to two cats fight.
Try rephrasing your google search, or improving your research methods. I got carpal tunnel syndrome writing down accomplishments and inventions, and that was just a few minutes in the science catagory.
Wow, I am terribly surprised at this unexpected reliance on name calling to prove your points. No actual discourse, you merely relied on trying to evoke an emotional reaction, probably hoping that we’d run off in tears. Next thing you know you’ll be trying to pull our hair and scratch our faces.
You fight like a girl.