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Little boys have fantastic role models — the best in the world actually. Steve McQueen, Ty Cobb, Hercules “Rowdy” Roddy Piper; all of them great men of integrity and dignity. And that’s exactly what the little boys who worship them become: great men of integrity and dignity.

Indiana Jones never aborted anything because he couldn’t hold a job that paid more than minimum wage. What would they call that installment exactly? Indiana Jones in the Welfare Miscarriage.

That would be a short fucking movie.

Women have horrible role models. One of their biggest is Paris Hilton believe it or not. She teaches them that drunk driving isn’t as dangerous as everyone says, racism is okay as long as you don’t think the camera is on, and blowjobs will make you famous.

The odds of a blowjob making you famous are like a trillion to one. Bad role model.

Women are likewise obsessed with the Disney Princesses. Sleeping Beauty is their John McClane, and Tinkerbelle is their Nicolas Cage. Disney’s stable of Princesses generate over 3 billion dollars a year in lunch pails, shitty coloring books, and Cinderella outfits that a woman I took to Disneyland one time wouldn’t try on because the biggest size they had was “youth medium”.

Well no shit the biggest size they have is a “youth medium”. Princesses are supposed to hit a treadmill every now and again.

Snow White

Snow White is exactly what happened to women.

At some point in history, women were all perfectly happy living perfectly fantastic lives with perfectly reasonable responsibilities: clean, cook, shut the fuck up. Then a bitter old hag (Mary Wollstonecraft) came along and shoved an apple poisoned with equality down their throats. In the Disney movie, a man comes along and wakes Snow White up from her silly and stupid dreams using some magic pills a wizard gave him or something. I don’t remember the movie because I haven’t seen it since I accidentally watched it at a dentist’s office about a decade ago. I preferred the drill. The point is, in real life, women didn’t wake up. Their mindless sleep turned into nightmares of worthless degrees, “business cleavage”, and reports they could barely hold right-side up let alone understand.

Cinderella

Oh boy, was she a whore. What women who worship Cinderella don’t realize is that they’re actually worshiping the shame they have for their perverted sexual fantasies. Cinderella wasn’t running away from a prince at midnight because she was poor. What woman gives a fuck about being poor? They all spend money they don’t have anyway. You can’t be poor when someone’s always willing to credit your ass.

Cinderella was running away because midnight marks the beginning of “business time”, and that meant her crude, womanly desires for sexual satisfaction were about to take hold of her mind like the jaws of a dead rat. Ever met a woman who’s favorite position isn’t doggy style? I rest my case.

A woman being poor is like secretly replacing her birth control with Spanish Fly. Every guy with two nickels to rub together turns her into Lady Godiva. Why isn’t Lady Godiva a Disney Princess? Is she not enough of a whore?

Sleeping Beauty

This one is goldbricking par excellence. I don’t remember the guy’s name from this movie, but if I had to guess, it would be Prince Who Has a Dick And Went Through a Lot of Bullshit To Get Here Today. No woman can make it past the age of five without learning that lesson and this Disney princess is why.

Slaying a dragon can eat a dick. In some parts of the world, women will fuck you for helping her move a sofa. These parts of the world are found anywhere not covered in water.

The One From Beauty and the Beast

Teaching young girls that looks don’t matter and that personality does, is basically teaching them that looks don’t matter and that money does. What’s on the inside counts? Bullshit. What’s on the inside of his wallet you mean. If that ugly fucking baboon didn’t have a castle and talking flatware, a Disney “princess” would not have given a shit about getting to know his furry ass.

That’s the definition of a whore.

Ariel

Nice sea shells by the sea shore. It’s obvious to me that all women from 12-15 are taking life lessons from The Little Mermaid. Those lessons are: dress as provocatively as possible and while doing so, sink your father into so much fucking debt with your bullshit delusions you call “dreams”, he has to sell his soul to haul you out. In real life, the IRS is an evil half-woman, half-octopus with ten million tentacles and the voice of a drag queen.

Men are better than women.

Jasmine

When I saw the adverts for this film, I remember thinking to myself, “Jesus, that cartoon is wearing lingerie.”

You can buy that lingerie at Disneyland. However, it only comes in a “youth medium”.

Pocahontas

The real tale of Pocahontas is one rich in pedophilia. That may be okay for women and their lack of morality, but as a man, pedophilia is something I’m dead-set against.

When I saw Rocky for the first time, I went home and started training to become a boxer. I did the same thing when I saw Turner and Hooch. Thank God little girls are too fucking dumb to use the internet. If they weren’t, they’d hop off the couch after a viewing of their favorite Pocahontas DVD only to read a sordid tale of pedophilia and Indian Slavery. Nice job, moms. Next time just pop in the directors cut of Eraserhead. At least that movie doesn’t get any more gruesome.

Mulan

Mulan was about a girl who joined the army. I can’t think of a worse role model for little girls. If I had a daughter, I would rather her watch the E! True Hollywood Story of Jenna Jameson than get the wacky idea she should be joining the armed forces at any point. I don’t care how many ethnically stereotypical magical dragons she has on her side, a woman in the army always does more harm than good — and usually does more troops than harm.

The Frog Princess, AKA The Black One

What does Disney’s new black princess hope to teach? That being black makes you a princess? I’m pretty fucking sure black women already got that memo.

Tinkerbelle

I knew a girl in high school who had a Tinkerbelle tattoo. Last I heard, she had Herpes and two kids. I have no idea in what order they came, but I do know that the Tinkerbelle tattoo came first.

Alice in Wonderland

Alice is not a Disney princess and the reason why will shock the shit out of you.

Alice is a man.

Alice is a man like Wonderland is women. Jowly leviathan’s threatening to chop off your body parts because you won’t play their bullshit games, completely insane fuckheads celebrating nothing and making no goddamn sense no matter what they say or what you ask them, disappearing assholes with upside down smiley faces and broom-headed pricks coming along at any moment and erasing the path you were taking; I couldn’t imagine a more fitting description for women and their constant tyranny of nonsense and childish, short-sighted sadism. Lewis Carrol was thinking exactly that when he wrote Alice in Wonderland in the 1800’s.

If I had a daughter, I would never force this kind of saccharine bone meal down her throat. My rumpus room DVD player would play only hours of recorded Dr. Laura broadcasts and the episode of Star Trek when Kirk kissed Ohuru.

Men are better than women.

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