Does This Girlfriend Come with a Gift Receipt?

Women love shopping as much as men love not shopping. You can tell because everything in the world of wares caters to a woman’s sensibilities. Walk into a department store and see for yourself. Do you see any signs anywhere? Do you see a giant neon sign that says: “Bathrooms Are Right the Fuck HERE!”? There’s also no alcohol and I guarantee you don’t know where the fucking door is. That’s because women hate that manner of shit.

The whole process of shopping is supposed to leave you drained, late, and (most importantly) feeling like you’ve accomplished something noble and epic when in fact all you did was go return some shitty presents that your girlfriend or wife (or both) gave you.

Women love shopping for the same reasons that men love women: it wastes their time. That’s why shopping malls are built like casinos. There’s no escape and no kind of landmarks. It’s like being trapped in a half-finished M.C. Escher painting where someone forgot to draw the ledge you want to jump off of. Surely with all that practice shopping and thinking about shopping women should be able to navigate the marketplace like a trained dog, but that assumption has fooled me and many a man many a time.

Women don’t know shit about shopping. They have no plan of attack and no philosophy. That’s why whenever you go into a store with one to buy a crappy present for her best friend’s wedding, you always end up in the purse section or the discount rack even though it was decided to get her a set of wine glasses well before hand. At least that’s what I hear happens.

Men do not shop. It’s true — even when we’re shopping that’s not what we’re doing. That’s why you shouldn’t judge a man on what he’s doing. He could be up to all kinds of other shit at the same time that you’re not aware of. That’s the man way.

Men are hunters and gatherers. We do not wander aimlessly about waiting for some trinket to catch our fancy. Absolutely no fucking way. We’re in, we’re out, and everyone goes home happy because they haven’t wasted half of the goddamn day playing princess and dress-up. I read an article about this recently that had some interesting things to say on the subject.

1. Men’s heart-rates increase at the moment of purchase — “The Modern Kill”.
2. Women have glitter and sawdust for brains.

I feel bad for women sometimes. And I’m talking about pity here, more than usual. They can’t even get good at the thing they love to do most: spending money. Then I remember that if women had it their way, I would be strung up by a noose and beaten like a piƱata until the money that I’m made of started shooting all over the place like a sprinkler. Then I don’t feel so bad.

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