Fat girls are obsessed with marriage. Their big fat mindsets are warped around the concept of “get all you can”, like a lumped wad of peanut butter and jelly sandwich around the Star Wars thermos inside your lunch box.

For a woman, marriage is an all you can eat buffet of free shit. The ring goes on and the wish list starts cranking out like a broken fax machine; each request more undeserved than the last.

The fatter they are, the more they want their docking-pass to that buffet. Remember that inside every skinny girl, there’s a fucking behemoth just dying to get out.

The biggest fear of every married man is going to bed next to a prom queen and waking up next to a blue ribbon sow.

I get my bacon from the butcher, thank you very much.

How Fat Can She Go?

A great way to tell how fat your future spouse is going to be, is by gaging just how obsessed she is with your wedding. If she can’t go a day without mentioning it, expect a spare tire. If she can’t go a meal, expect a spare truck tire. If she can’t go ten minutes without fiddling with her engagement ring, you’d better stock the Bridal Suite with a few cartons of Tasty Cakes and Ding Dongs. Otherwise, you might not get out alive.

Bridal magazines are also something to beware of. Women can consume entire trays of cookies while reading bridal magazines and not even have noticed. They fall under some kind of fat-hypnosis while looking at pictures of floral patterns and matching white flowers to white gowns. Wedding magazines are like activity coloring books for kids. There’s no words and nothing of any educational value, except with bridal magazines, the only activity that gets done is eating.

When a woman awakes from her stupor, only crumbs remain to tell the tale.

Every wedding planner adds at least twenty pounds to your future ex-wife’s girth; every limo adds two. Every time you have the “DJ vs band” conversation, you just put your 40-year-old self in the sack with a another chin.

Dick Tip

Here’s a Dick Tip for those of you confused enough to get married in the upcoming year. Just like you can put adultery in a prenup, your spouse cheating on you with her friends Ben and Jerry can also be grounds for divorce. Put a ten pound leash on her. Just because it’s on, doesn’t mean you have to yank the shit out of it. It’s called being honest and setting a precedent. When it comes to fatness, you need to start doing both as soon as possible.

Fat girls are obsessed with marriage in the same way poor people power the lottery. Being valued as a person is something a fat girl has given up on long ago. And why shouldn’t she? Even if some fat broad has just as much personal worth as she thinks she does, everyone would still rather have the skinny version around — even the environment would appreciate that. Rarely does one need to “weigh something down” in this modern world.

Fat girls power the Infernal Machine of desperation and hype that drives the wedding industry. Skinny girls don’t really need a wedding. They’re skinny. They can get free shit without a ring. Skinny girls only think they need a wedding because fat girls have been cramming the fantasy down their throats since the day they were born — as soon as they realized the donuts weren’t taking.

Fat girls are like zombies. They have no purpose but to infect all others with their fatness. Don’t leave your daughters alone with them.

If N. W. Ayer can make diamonds a key ingredient in marriage, I can make marriage something only fat girls do. All I need is a billion T-shirts and a silo of glitter.

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This entry was posted under The MANifesto.