Men Are Better Than Women, by Dick Masterson

Dick Responds: The Mid-Wife Crisis

Dick Masterson — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:55:12 +0000

Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating. Short version: Fuck marriage. Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever expect: [...]

Sexual Harassment: Deal With It

Dick Masterson — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:40:40 +0000

A penny saved is a woman fired. One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You. Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of [...]

Female Medics Are Deadly

Dick Masterson — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:28:51 +0000

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that. But you choose [...]

Olympic Fuckery

Dick Masterson — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 07:37:05 +0000

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck. The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be [...]

Fat Women: Stay Home!

Dick Masterson — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:04:53 +0000

Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy [...]

Top Ten Reasons Marriage is Stupid

Dick Masterson — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:37:20 +0000

I would never marry a woman who hated me enough to let me go through with it. Marriage is fucked and stupid and the second fastest way any young man can ruin his life. The first fastest way is by having a child. Try folding an index card in half twenty times. That’s [...]

Dick’s Voicemail #17

Dick Masterson — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:10:30 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #16

Dick Masterson — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:23:17 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #15

Dick Masterson — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:45:38 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #14

Dick Masterson — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:28:00 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #13

Dick Masterson — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:02:08 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #12

Dick Masterson — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:01:58 +0000

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Whore Sells House

Dick Masterson — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:38:21 +0000

A single mother in Florida by the name of Deven Traboscia is selling her house and herself on eBay for the low, low price of $840,000. Did I say low price? I meant outrageous price! In her own words, prospective buyers are paying $340,000 for her two-thousand square foot home, and $500,000 for her unknown square [...]

Dick’s Voicemail #11

Dick Masterson — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:35:07 +0000

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Dick’s Voicemail #10

Dick Masterson — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:06:33 +0000

The 10th installment and the start of a new season in my sensational voicemail series. Download the mp3 ShareThis

MABTW Stickers vs. Amelia Earhart

Dick Masterson — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 06:39:42 +0000

Look closely at the above picture and see if you can find my addition to a memorial constructed in honor of North Hollywood’s most accomplished daughter, Amelia Earhart. Most accomplished daughter, that is, who didn’t use her vagina to earn her place in the books. Real female accomplishment takes the form of Melinda Gates, Hillary [...]

Women Take Candy From Strangers

Dick Masterson — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:51:47 +0000

The number one way to get whatever you want out of a woman is to withhold attention. Top Three Ways to Get What You Want From a Woman 3. Be Rich or Famous 2. Insult Her 1. Withhold Attention Is she lipping off at the mouth? Withhold attention. Is she a great big fat person? Withhold some attention. Is she [...]

Dick in Marcus’ Corner

Dick Masterson — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:59:37 +0000

A few months ago, I lived a life-long dream when I was interviewed by Marcus of mega64.com. Here is that interview. From personal experience, I can say that Marcus’ mustache is not only bigger than Dr. Phil’s, but it also doesn’t have clumps of make-up caked around the sides. Unless you’re KISS or The [...]

Fuck You, Eco-Cunts.

Dick Masterson — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:35:58 +0000

“9 out of 10 women say they’d rather chat up a guy who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car,” says a survey brought to us by GM — a company that sells electric fucking cars. As a man who owns a bitchin sports convertible that runs on premium, burns through tires like [...]

What About Teachers, Nurses, and Bank Tellers?

Dick Masterson — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:59:12 +0000

Men are better than women. We all know it and I proved it beyond the shadow of a doubt in my mansterpiece Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now. Men are better than women at everything and every job in life. But doesn’t that mean every job should be staffed by men? [...]