Win $50 During Female Literacy Month
I get countless emails and comments from irate women bemoaning my spelling and grammar. What the fuck do irate women know about spelling and grammar? Compared to other genders, female literacy rates are appallingly low. That’s why I’m taking it upon myself to declare June “Female Literacy Month�? and offer the following incentive for women to improve their abysmal spellsmanship.
As of July 1st 12 noon, the woman who finds the most spelling mistakes on this website, made by yours truly, will be given her choice of $50 or I will purchase a video game for a starving child. I’ll leave the choice up to her, so I think we all know which she’s going to pick.
Women are so fucking selfish.
Maybe female illiteracy is why women can’t figure out how to use birth control. To women, “Take one pill every day,” looks like, “Take a handful of pills every few days and believe in Jesus.” Well Jesus isn’t a big fan of birth control so fuck you. If women could read The Bible, they would know that.
I haven’t made a single spelling error on this site. Manjoyment, mantivities, and mangasm aren’t misspelled words. If I see them in a submission, it is automantically disqualified. There are also more rules.
Female Literacy Month Rules
1. All submissions must be emailed to me no later than July 1st, noon GMT.
2. All words must be accompanied by the URL on which they appear.
3. In case of a tie, the earliest submission is the winner.
4. Lists with correctly spelled words will be disqualified.
5. Italicized words and words with “man�? in them are not misspelled and will be disqualified.
6. Since women don’t know how to use dictionaries, a man is allowed to verify the misspelled words, but not help find them.
7. All participants must be under 190 pounds for liability purposes. I don’t want to get any of you fatties so excited your hearts explode.
8. The choice of a selfish $50 or a video game for a starving child must be clearly marked in the submission.
9. The video game might be Gears of War, but it also might be Nintendogs.
Like when it comes to fighting for peace in the Middle East or apologizing for spilling my beer all over my pants last weekend, I expect women to be a no show on this one.
UNESCO statistics on women and their rampant illiteracy.
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June 10th, 2007 at 1:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
“Will you man-swear you didn’t fire up spell check and make corrections prior to posting the contest rules?”
The only response to a direct question posed to DM, in this case, was a snarky question about UNICEF being cupcake relief or some such nonsense.
“And if I find the errors and you post an acknowledgment that I am right, I’ll send $100 to UNICEF.”
Done. Although rather than to UNICEF, to a local charity (one which provides support for male victims of domestic violence), in honor of Dick Masterson. It was obviously of no use to wait for an acknowledgment, nor even a direct answer from Dick.
June 10th, 2007 at 6:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 926a1904cecf2
The answer is obvious. Girl acts the way she does because Jesus hates her.
June 10th, 2007 at 7:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5716752d679a7
Hmm… if you can’t read between the lines then… fuck you, that’s why.
June 10th, 2007 at 8:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
What I read between the lines is that you are either too insecure to state your true beliefs, or you are unwilling to be truthful.
June 10th, 2007 at 9:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5716752d679a7
Now now now, nobody likes a bossy cunt. That’s no way to get me to explain the obvious, baby girl. You’re going to need to be a tad bit sweeter if you hope to get anything out of your daddy-o.
June 11th, 2007 at 2:43 am - IP Man-Hash: cd203125dfde0
*Smiles at everyone*. Hello all, I’m back. I couldn’t resist this one. Spellsmanship?????????? Perhaps, if you had written is Spellmanship or italicized it you might have been able to argue that it was a deliberate neologism, but as it stands it is just a beautiful irony. BTW I googled the word and found 6 hits, 1 was your site, 3 were deliberate ironies. Such corpus searching is probably the most accurate way to verify whether something is acceptable English, even better than the dictionary (which of course I don’t know how to use).
Since I am doing my Masters in English teaching I suppose I should give you all a lesson in linguistics. Grammar and spelling are both open structures established by mutual convention. When the introduction of a new technology like the internet fundamentally disrupts those structures by shifting communication along the mode continuum the result is confusion over the conventions and misunderstandings. Since grammar and linguistics are descriptive, when language fails to achieve it’s purpose, then, and only then, is it considered a mistake. In most cases I would say that your use of expletives, truncations and coarse colloquialisms, would constitute a mistake, especially considering that the purpose of your site is supposedly the demonstration of men’s superiority over women. This is most likely what the “irate women” were complaining about.
By the way, have any of you ever read Margaret Atwood’s ‘The Handmaid’s Tale”, she has an interesting pun in there about female illiteracy, noting that men glory in it because “pen is envy”
June 11th, 2007 at 4:19 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
*Tells Thinker to cease immixing and fuck off to gaytopia*
- Do Your Thing (Jaxx club mix) - Basement Jaxx
June 11th, 2007 at 4:27 am - IP Man-Hash: cd203125dfde0
*laughs* I’m not gay. I’m a woman!!!!!
June 11th, 2007 at 4:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
*Tells Thinker to cease immixing and fuck off to NOW convetion, then*
- Basement Jaxx feat. Lisa Kekaula - Mere Pass
June 11th, 2007 at 5:47 am - IP Man-Hash: d8dfaf3496c8b
yeah, mind shutting the fuck up? And stop with the exclaimation marks. Wait, your a woman. Point noted.
June 11th, 2007 at 8:47 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Yes it is. And it works rather well.
Indeed, it’s much like the ludicrous collection of question marks you toss into your screed. Since you evidently know something about writing, what would normally come off as the incompetent stylings of an irate woman has a certain beautiful irony to it.
I expected to be able to confidently tell you that you’re wrong. And you would have been a year ago. But after checking with some friends at Google, I’m told the number of obscure (non)words indexed has exploded over the last 18 months.
Try googling “mxpfft” or “arplog”, for example. Good grief.
So, yes, I’d agree there is some validity in such a search.
You had me ’til there. A master’s in English… maybe. But in teaching it? Faculties/Departments of Education are amongst the most moribund, cretinous and idiotic places of pseudo-learning.
You’re welcome to try, but I predict you shall fail.
Yes, you’re definitely studying “English Teaching”.
Even in education, we use “it’s” with an apostrophe to indicate a contraction, rather than possession. It’s one of those pesky little grammar rules that evidently, for you, have been swept away by the ‘net.
I wouldn’t raise this as an issue, but when lecturing a group of people on grammar and language, it behooves you to actually use both properly. I’ll grant you two errors, but when the third is embedded in a paragraph on the proper use of language, in a post deriding Dick for his use of language, well, no, up with that I will not put.
You come off as a somewhat higher grade of troll, I’ll grant you that, but you seem unable to actually appreciate that Dick, an attorney (they too know something about language) might well have intended Spellmanship deliberately. Indeed, I’ll give 100 to 1 odds he did.
I can agree with you with respect to some (mostly female pretending to be male) posters, but I do not agree with you with respect to Dick’s postings.
Who knows? By definition, irate women always have something to complain about.
Yes. That was mildly amusing. And Alice Munro (to pick another feminist Canadian lady-writer[1]. I think you’d like her). And assorted other female writers, some sane, some not.
Simply noting that men are better than women doesn’t mean one should reject all women.
In any event, Thinker, I invite you to check out my blog, http://www.wolfesmusings.com . There are a number of intelligent men and women that post there, and you might well be able to teach us something. Or we you. I’m sure you’ll find much to disagree with, and perhaps a little to agree with there.
-wolfe
[1]I normally only use the term ‘lady’ where I would also use the word ‘gentleman’. Here, I use it in deliberate homage to Dick. I think they call that ‘beautiful irony’.
June 11th, 2007 at 11:01 am - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
Jeez, I was going to respond to the easy targets present by Thinker but wolfe very nicely addressed everything I was going to say, with the exception of one comment. Thinker quoted Margaret Atwood in a previous post, then in a later post identified herself as a woman. No shit. I’ve NEVER met a man who’s read Margaret Atwood, with the single exception of wolfe, who is too learned a man for me to disrespect.
Yes, Atwood’s little pun was interesting, mostly because it emphasizes how much better male writers are than female writers. That’s how it is, and that’s how it always has been. The simple fact of the matter is that men have written the best books, and I think most women know that. (Delusional feminists are the exception.)
See “Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle” if you have a chance. (Produced by Robert Altman, a film about Dorothy Parker.) Decently done with very good acting — and not a chick movie. There’s a good line where Dorothy Parker types the line “God, help me write like a man.” She was a very good writer, but she knew her limitations.
June 11th, 2007 at 11:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 83b7e402ade4c
If she’s so “learned” in the English language.. how come she missed the:
“NO WOMEN ALLOWED”
June 11th, 2007 at 9:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9bf0aea7ffdac
Well the contest sounds interesting, I’m going to try for it.
June 19th, 2007 at 2:23 am - IP Man-Hash: 422940479a69d
Good. In fact, why not tell all your friends about it? Chance to win 50 dollars. You can buy cards from Dick.
June 23rd, 2007 at 4:25 am - IP Man-Hash: e7b9eb31a78a3
dear dick,
what’re the stakes for punctuation, grammar and generally poor [as in lacking lustre] dic[k]tion? come on, a woman cannot live on man-poor-spelling alone; then again…
sin-seer-ly,
pants.
June 28th, 2007 at 2:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 9bf0aea7ffdac
I am going to try to win the video game for the starving kid.
June 28th, 2007 at 8:42 am - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
Well you’d better hurry the fuck up, Lady. Submissions are due in three days!
-Dick
August 13th, 2007 at 3:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4d12dc60af1e7
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December 2nd, 2007 at 3:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
I am a girl and i so happen to do very well in English
When i was in 6th grade i could read as well as a high school boy
I may have typos in some of my responses, but it’s not as though none of you haven’t.
I don’t know any illiterate women, all the ones that i have know read extremely well, and all the boys in my classes read at an average level.
You, again, have not had any legitimate sources for your beliefs.
and by the way, i am perfectly capable of finding a word in the dictionary, in fact, I was able to when i was 5