Tourette’s Syndrome is not limited to obscene outbursts and shouting. It also includes involuntary tics and gestures, which are sometimes inappropriate.
Female Tourette’s Syndrome is exactly the same; except instead of being classified as a disorder, FTS involuntary tics are classified as a huge pain in the ass.
A 5’4″ woman stabbing me in the face with the spokes of an umbrella, for example, is Female Tourette’s Syndrome. And that is a huge pain in my ass.
Fucking Eye Rolling
I own the patent on a hat that slaps the shit out of its wearer whenever she rolls her eyes. Unfortunately, this device will never be sold because the battery it would require to run for an 8 hour work day weighs seventy pounds.
Women may pretend to grow out of sarcasm and into the silent treatment when they’re 19, but their eyes never do. A woman’s eyes never lie, and they will tell you a lot about her. For example, if her eyes are looking at yours, she doesn’t respect you. Throw all your pink shirts away and leave a Playboy in the bathroom.
A Playboy in the bathroom is the secret to keeping women in line. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey.
Shaking Their Fucking Heads
This hat that I invented, which I named the Bitch Tamer, also included a harness that prevents it’s wearer from shaking her head from side to side constantly like the sprinklers at a memorial park. Unfortunately, no material has been made that can withstand the obsessive torque from a woman’s constant need to do this.
Women have no sense of speech. I’m surprised that they can order pizza. Someone once told me that women use 20,000 words a day, nonsensical as they may be, while men use a mere 7,000. However, if you took out the words “basically”, “fine”, and “no” — as in, “I basically told Justin at work that I was single, but it’s fine if you don’t think I meant no when I didn’t say it,” then that womanly total goes from 20,000 to 150.
It’s too bad shaking your head while a man is talking doesn’t burn more calories than it does. That way women would stop doing it.
Fucking With Their Cellphones
The Bitch Tamer also scrambles cell phone calls. It’s really quite a hat.
Even if their own lives depended on it, women couldn’t resist answering their cellphones. The reason why is simple.
A woman can only jump on top of a table and take her top off in a crowded restaurant once. It’s like the magic trick Daffy Duck pulled when he swallowed gun powder, nitroglycerin, and a stick of dynamite. He could only do it once. After that, Daffy was dead and everyone’s seen that woman’s tits. There’s no reason to keep talking to her.
A woman yaking on her cell phone is like when Daffy Duck would get his bill slapped so hard it spun around his head. It was always funny and there were a million reasons it could have happened.
Is her friend getting creepy phone calls? Is her mother pissed off about something I don’t give a fuck about? There are a million reasons why a woman could answer her cellphone, and that stupid Lady Bumps song cranked up to Level 5 will always get a few looks. A cell phone equals attention.
I don’t even remember how women survived before cellphones. The history books will probably show that the women of the 80′s had some of the most annoying laughs in history.