Female Tourettes Syndrome

I’ve mentioned Female Tourettes Syndrome in the past, and because it is one of the biggest reasons why men are better than women, I thought I would commemorate this Labor Day by expanding on the topic.

Labor Day is a very manly holiday, after all. Labor Day is why Father’s Day is bullshit. You don’t celebrate two Halloweens or two New Year’s. When compared to a day honoring labor, Father’s Day is redundant.

If there was a day dedicated to buying three times as much crap at a 50% off sale, or spilling fancy candle wax all over the carpet, then we wouldn’t need Mother’s Day.

Female Tourettes Syndrome is a woman’s inability to keep her mouth shut. It manifests largely in three ways.

Endless Fucking Questions

If there’s a stupid question about any topic, then a woman will imagine it and ask it with the confidence of Sherlock Holmes.

“I’m going to the store,” you might say. “Why?” asks a woman, stupidly. This is due to her Female Tourettes Syndrome.

FTS prevents a woman from being quiet and thinking about something before she starts flapping her scone-hole about it. Men are great philosophers, diplomats, and authors, because we can sit back and think about what’s going on before speaking. We can answer all the stupid questions on our own. Women make lousy all of the above’s for the same reason they make lousy lovers while you’re staying at your parents’ house during Christmas: they can’t keep their fucking mouths shut.

I’m going to the store to buy something. Why the fuck else has anyone ever gone to the store? To look around?

Endless Fucking Speaking

Women are like those tightly-coiled spring door stops with the little rubber bit on the end. You give them one little prod and they erupt with obnoxious sounds like a broken fan belt. Those things are fun as hell until you’re 12. Female Tourettes Syndrome.

The secret to getting laid is to rev up the talking part of a woman’s brain like it’s a bicycle flipped upside down. The speech and sex sectors of a she-brain are right next to each other. It doesn’t take anything more than timing to get them spinning like tops. Female Tourettes Syndrome.

Men speak in well-timed spikes of brilliance. That’s the heartbeat of commerce. Women speak like lawn darts: huge arcs that no one gives a fuck about unless it’s coming down on your head. Female Tourettes Syndrome.

Endless Fucking Complaining

No matter how good a woman has it, you’d never be able to tell by the way she talks. Women hate happiness. That’s why they don’t like taking their tops off at football games and why they like puppies so much. Puppies piss all over everything. That does not equal happiness.

Even if a woman married a millionaire and had ten kids by five different guys, she’s as far from happiness as an innocent man on death row. Despite that she’s living every woman’s dream.

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