Fuck Marriage
This is a very important and very special MenAreBetterThanWomen because it’s a treatise on my favourite topic: marriage. The conclusion is this:
Do not get married!
Do not do it now. Do not do it later. Do not do it for looks. Do not do it for money. Do not do it for sex. Do not do it because people want you to. Do not do it because a woman wants you to. Do not do it because The Bible says to do it. Do not do it to have children. Do not do it for tax purposes. And especially — the most important reason of all reasons every thrown into a reason oven and baked on Man degrees for a day and a half — do not get fucking married for love!
There’re three reasons why you shouldn’t get married, and when I say three I mean there are about a fucking billion reasons why not to get married. That’s one for every skin cell of the woman you’re dating that’s going to turn into a wrinkled mess inside of 20 years.
There are three big reasons though.
1. It’s against your manstincts.
When in the whole universe of fuck has a man’s manstincts ever been wrong about anything. I’ve seen a man punch through a wall twice in a row using his manstincts and not hit a single fucking stud. I’ve seen a man win 30,000 American Dollars at a Black Jack table using his manstincts. My cousin had a dog who wandered over 100 miles home from a stranger’s house in the course of two weeks. Guess what gender that dog was. I’ll give you a hint. It had a fucking dick.
Men’s manstincts are never wrong. That’s because men’s brains are super-charged with experience, a special lubricating coating I call Think Juice, and about 60 times the processing power of women. Women don’t have the brains to have instincts. They barely have the fucking brain power to walk upright. That’s probably why women used to wear gloves.
2. You don’t have to.
Have you ever seen one of those tags on the bottom of a mattress that says “Fuck Off. Don’t Remove This Tag”? I’ve never seen one, but I’ve seen plenty of comedians talk about them so they might as well be real for the purposes here. You know what happens when you remove one of those tags? Not a fucking thing.
How about this. Have you ever walked on grass where a sign said “Do Not Fuck Around on the Grass” or had a fourth pint when woman said you shouldn’t have a fourth pint?
Fucking of course! That’s called being a goddamn man. And what happened after you perpetrated that shit? Absolutely nothing. That is exactly what happens when a women threatens you with anything in exchange for marriage.
I’ve seen the fucking The Rock. I’ve seen every movie starring Nicholas Cage like six times because he’s the most mantastic actor of the day. I remember the part where his hot girlfriend threatened him with a break-up if they didn’t get married.
Scary huh? She was awfully hot.
The I also remember the part in The Rock when Sean Connery had hair and the US President didn’t sound like a fucking hillbilly. The Rock was a piece of fucking fiction. Real women never follow through on anything in their goddamn lives. Only women who are written by men do that. If a woman ever threatens you over a missing ring, tell her to go fuck herself. She won’t. Women are too sex crazed to stop coming back for it over some fucking ring. Please. We’re talking about the gender who’d fuck Lionel Ritchie because he can sing. You think they can cut off sex on tap over a dowry. Fuck you.
3. Plausible Deniability
If you go into a bank with a ski mask on a gun in your pocket, you’re probably going to get stopped at the door — or sent into some kind of fucking man trap, I don’t know. I don’t run a bank. Better yet, if you see someone in the middle of the street crack a beer, unbelt, and then drop their pants to the ground; guess what. They’re about to do something fucking stupid.
That’s what getting married is. You’re signing a fucking binding — a Fuck You binding contract in an imaginary, somehow non-sexist world where women have no earning power past 30, that says you will support their ass out of pure benevolence and with no expectation other than getting harangued by a raging fucking bitch about 6 years passed her prime.
Do not go into a bank with fucking ski mask on and a sack of potatoes in your pocket. Do not pull down your pants in public if you aren’t about to do something funny. Do not get married unless you can look in the mirror and say this:
“Hello, <your name said derisively>. Five years from now, I want to indefinitely support an adult woman long after she has stopped fucking me, started fucking as many other guys as possible, and always, always acts like a raging bitch.”
Trick question. You can’t say that because you’re a fucking man.
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I can’t think of a single good reason to get married. So, fuck marriage? How about just fuck! That’s what I’ve settled on, and it works much better!
What about marrying foreign women? I hear that many foreign women are actually worth it since they act more like women of the past. What about women from Latin America, East Asia, Southeast Asia, South Asia, Middle East, and Russia? I heard that they can cook, clean, and fuck 10 times better than Western Women. Many are also not an anti-man feminist.
@Teri. Yes, cheap shot at someone from another culture who simply doesn’t get an (obscure to him) cultural ref.
@Al. Yeah I remember reading that column when it came out. Used to get NR on dead trees, now just read NRO. (General lack of time). Carter is highly destructive of the non-partisan comity and support that ex-Presidents have traditionally offered their successors. He’s also wrong on nearly every issue imaginable.
One possible exception: I think the push on Human Rights in Eastern Europe, buttressed by the Helsinki Accords, had a subtler and deeper impact than most Reaganite Conservatives would acknowledge. There were some positive aspects of the Carter/Zbigniew Brzenzinski policy in that regard. And at least they never said “Poland is not under Soviet Domination”.
@son of suns. What you say is sadly largely true. Honor indeed.
@*
Bottom line? Marriage is dangerous.
-wolfe
Aside: This post simply discusses Dr Seuss.
@Sony: Dr Seuss, was the penname of Theodor Seuss Geisel. He was best known as a children’s book author, very well known in pretty much the entire English-speaking world. Despite the European (German) name, he was born in the US, though studied at Oxford.
His style was unique: he generally wrote in anapestic tetrameter (an older meter oft-used by English poets such as Byron) and his best known books contain very few unique words, and are simplistically, but joyously illustrated.
This gifts his writing with a charming cadence, and, simultaneously, a degree of accessibility to small children unparalleled at the time.
One of his best-known (and best-selling) works was The Cat in the Hat. It contained only 250 unique words. It is said that after he wrote this, his publisher bet him he could not write a best-selling book with only 50 words. He took the bet; the result was “Green Eggs and Ham”.
The structure of the story consists of one character trying to persuade another to try “green eggs and [green] ham”. The character responds with a series of parallel assertions, concerning green eggs and ham.
Dick’s construction of
brought up elegant echoes of Seuss’ writing. Moreover, the very idea of someone being persuaded to marry (or not) brought up echoes of the story itself (someone being persuaded to try green eggs and ham). There’s a literary word for that kind of double-reference, but I forget it. No matter.
More non-seuss below, back on topic.
-wolfe
What you should be taking back is that silly name: cathouse teri
You fool! Do you have any idea what a cathouse is? Perhaps you do, hence this article.
Okay, I take it back.
What about the stupid comments?
You’re right sonyad. I apologize for the “stupid” comment.
OH, look! Once again a dumbass woman disparages the form of how something is communicated, instead of the the knowledge that is imparted from that communication. How boringly typical.
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya!
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya!
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya!
Isn’t that cute? I read, write and speak your language better than you do yet I must clearly be stupid to no get some cultural reference thrown in at random.
It’s ok. I already knew humour is lost on women.
There’s not much to try at. You do it on your own.
The truth is out.
Marriage is not being avoided by men because we fear commitment, it’s just that modern women think “commitment” means if you don’t find out who she’s fucking behind your back, and you keep paying her bills, then everythings good.
Men have something besides our 60x superior brains called “honor”. For us it means when we commit to something, we actually commit, not “half ass commit” while stealthily having affairs with whoever shows our pathetic asses attention at the bar or at work or wherever the cool place for sluts is these days.
You should go to a site that makes men look bad. But it will probably suck, since we’re perfect. That’s the advantage of being an original design and not a hackjob of a extra rib, no soul, and some minor brainpower cobbled together with spare parts from vultures and cats.
wolfe, I think you’d like Jay Nordlinger’s Carter column for National Review back in ‘02: There He Goes Again.
-Big Al
Okay boys… don’t be letting your guys say stupid things while trying to make women look stupid.
Who the fuck is doctor Seuss?!!!
Is he swiss?
Ouch, wolfe, very ouch. I’ve always harboured a great amount or respect and admiration for that man. He proved that even if a woman had a psychology degree from Lewis & Clark College, she still had only one purpose in politics.
Dick channels Dr. Seuss.
Seems like coming up on 16 years we’ve had one of those, albeit one was a Rhodes scholar hillbilly.
Well-written as always, Dick.
-wolfe
I love it!