Girl Bands Are Shit
Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.
In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.
But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.
Girl bands are shit.
Fuck Teamwork
Being in a band is like being in a cockblocking competition. Your weapon is your instrument, and your foe is every other man on Earth. Since the only cock women have ever had to block to get what they want is their husband’s, women don’t know the first thing about being in a band.
Competition is the spark plug of greatness.
Without musical competitiveness among band members, you end up with a mess lacking in conviction and full of trial and error. Girl bands are like middle-management teleconferences. Everyone wants to look as busy as possible, no one is actually doing anything, and it’s all out of sync because technology isn’t magic.
A fuzz box won’t make a girl a star. Only a penis will do that. See Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or Heather Mills for an explanation.
Boyfriends
All girl bands have at least a hundred songs about their ex-boyfriends. The second girls learn to talk, boys are all they want to talk about. The second girls learn to write, boys are all they want to write notes about. If girls could learn to piss in the snow, guess what they would be pissing. Boys.
The reason girl bands who are successful are over-hyped monsters created from focus groups, is not because of marketing. It’s because “real” girl bands shoot themselves in the vagina with truckloads of repetitive and immature emotional horseshit. Not even PT Barnum could sell a “lesbian”-looking trio from Silverlake who don’t think it’s cool to put on mascara or lip liner while they sing half their songs about what it feels like to be used up sperm dumpsters.
At least the Spice Girls had snazzy boots.
Too Complicated
There are only three instruments that women can play with any kind of competence. Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar. Everything else is way too complicated.
Until the four bass quartet is an actual thing anyone wants to listen to, girl bands can go fuck themselves.
No smoking in bars? How about no girl bands.
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March 24th, 2008 at 6:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
During those awful ‘oppressed times,’ we had female singers who did not consider themselves girl singers or women singers - just jazz musicians, war protesters, etc. Now for some odd reason they feel unwilling to perform nude and yet awkwardly make every other indication of their sex. When I was a kid, I had difficulties with some of the 70s singers, but I’m pretty sure a girl wouldn’t have to wear some distasteful tank top and miniskirt for me to determine her gender.
Nobody likes hot pink. Christ, I’d rather let my kids watch South Park than the Disney Channel - I mean that with all due sincerity. I’m a college student, by the way, so my concern about children I’ll have in 20 or 30 years should imply a little depravity in our current system.
Nonetheless, I am realistic about the future. The world is becoming less centralized again, I’ve looked through history and seen that these things happen in a logarithmic sinusoidal pattern. Now, eventually the environment is going to hit the ceiling, but then I’m hoping we’ll run out of petrol before then.
Either way, we’ll have to live within our means - math says that much.
In summary:
Yes indeed, girl bands do suck. And I would rather let a child watch South Park than Hanna Montana.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:58 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
Its either logarithmic or sinusoidal; it cannot be both at the same time. If its an oscillating property then you should say its sinusoidal -ED
PS. no one really believes that your a college student, tank-boy.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
log(x)*sin(x)=ans
log is exponential. Exponential increases, in a predictable sinusoidal way, to clarify.
Didn’t manhole promise to ignore me?
March 24th, 2008 at 7:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
What’s -ED stand for?
March 24th, 2008 at 7:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
Hannah Montanna is not a girl band. sheesh. she’s a pre-packaged creation of the disney channel.
there are some, not many, but some girl bands that rock-
the breeders
luscious jackson
L-7
the go-gos (okay, they may not rock, exactly, but…)
kurt cobain said that the breeder’s first album, pod, was one of his all time favorite records.
and while you say all girls write/sing about is boys- i would submit that a huge percentage of songs by boy or girl bands are about love- either how great it is or how much it sucks.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:22 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
Here you go:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logarithm
AND
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sine_wave
As you can see, a log function does not oscillate, it just increases (or decreases)–it does not go up and down like a sine wave. In the context of your writing you should have just said sinusoidal. -ED
March 24th, 2008 at 7:25 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
add Bangels to that list. Breeders rock.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 9e9d6bb9e8596
Damn doubt. If you are in college, you need to get your money back.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:32 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
‘:\
March 24th, 2008 at 8:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Log(x)*sin(x)
Exponential increases. What’s so hard about it? If it were just sin, it would just go up. Rather, it goes up and down with increasing fluctuation as values rise.
Please don’t make this hard on me.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:38 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
The only “girl-bands” worth anything simply have girl vocalists.
And I can only think of 3 with any success:
Paramore, Evanescence, Lacuna Coil.
Too bad all Amy Lee whines about anymore is what a drunk her loverboy from Seether was - same old story of an arrogant bitch trying to change a bad boy. If he stopped self destructing she’d say he was too soft and find another bad boy to fill the void in her crotch.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:46 am - IP Man-Hash: 6bf519bbb4681
Your right on the money here Dick. All these girls bands really su…. ah…. well except The Bangles, they were pretty damn good. But other than them, all the rest really su…. ah, well except The Go Go’s, they rocked. But all the rest really su….. okay you have to admit, Bananerama were some pretty hot chics, and they could sing pretty good. But other than those, all the rest really su…. ah…. hey we can’t forget The Roaches. Weren’t they lesbians? Okay all the rest really su… oh wait a minute, The Waitresses really rocked too, and they didn’t just sing about whales and cocks. Did you ever notice the good girl bands named themselves after animals, insects and fruit? What with that?
March 24th, 2008 at 8:51 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
y = sin(x) is sinusoidal…always…which means is oscillates. Also, with increasing value of x, the amplitude of the wave (top of the peaks, bottom of the valleys) does not increase. As for y=Log(x)*sin(x), it’s sinusoidal as well but the amplitude of the wave increases with greater value of x.
One thing you can do to convince yourself of this is open an excel file, have increasing integers (or whatever) of x on one column, and calculate sin(x) in the next column, and plot x vs sin x. When I’m in doubt about what a function look like, I model it on Excell. Cheerio.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:53 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
TaTu= pseudo-lesbian duo:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T.A.T.u.
Great dance/pop.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:56 am - IP Man-Hash: 21b6ef3e0a30a
we need a boy band come back.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 21b6ef3e0a30a
Im serious too.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:01 am - IP Man-Hash: 1aeab17b0b2fb
The only female that ever contributed to music, (besides Yoko) was D’arcy from Smashing Pumpkins, and although her bass skills were just par, she did a damn fine job.
And why are you brothers arguing math when we need to be discussing woman’s inherent inferiority?
March 24th, 2008 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
Improving math and analysis skills is very manly.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 4aad97af48ec6
I heard that The New Kids On The Block are coming back…..
March 24th, 2008 at 9:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 1aeab17b0b2fb
In that case, thank you for looking out for your fellow man. (Looking out for your fellow man is equally manly.)
March 24th, 2008 at 9:24 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
I think I see what your trying to say. A lot of times its useful to eliminate detail for the sake of clarity. “Logarithmic sinusoidal” may be exactly correct for what your trying to describe, but it may confuse the reader. You actually sound better if you had just said “Sinusoidal”, or better yet, “historical events occur with a regular periodicity”, or something like that.
Just a suggestion. Clarity is very manly. I’ll drop this annoying line.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
ew. you mean like menudo or back street boys? no we don’t.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:49 am - IP Man-Hash: 4aad97af48ec6
one good thing about country music…..no boy bands. I think Menudo has made a comeback….eeek!!!
March 24th, 2008 at 10:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
It’s not just talent but longevity as well. Kiss, Stones, AC/DC they’ve all been around 30+ years and they rock. The reason is male bands can have competitive disagreements and keep on going. Most girl bands don’t last that long because as soon as the bitch rears her ugly head they all split up. Creatively they have no staying power either, how can you sustain a music career on writing songs that just bitch about men?
-Solomon
March 24th, 2008 at 10:46 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
@Lawrence- what exactly was yoko’s contribution?
March 24th, 2008 at 1:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Seems to me that folks are missing Dick’s point. All these “girl bands” which “rock” so much you feel need to name them as exceptions STILL fall under the category of “Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar.”
They may sound good, they may be cute, they may even play bass guitar “adequately” but they still suck, no matter how much you enjoy listening to media hyped up garbage while driving your car.
How many women have been Beethoven, Rachmaninov or John Williams? How many girl bands have been AC/DC, The Rolling Stones or Metallica? Men own music just like they own witty humour.
I’ll have to second that question.
Maybe the way she sucked Lennon’s dick is what gave him the inspiration to write the worst music of his life rather than just retire.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Christina Scabbia kicks ass.
By the way, you forgot Sonic Youth (Kim Gordon), Crisis (Karyn Crisis)and Coal Chamber (Rayna Foss)
Otep Shamaya (BEST)
Magdelena Dabosz
Kimberly Goss
Anneke van Giersbergen
There are tons of them. I dont know much about pop or anything like that. But these metal girls rock the house.
“You will know be by the scars i bear” - Otep
March 24th, 2008 at 3:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
@Zardoz- i don’t think i’m missing Mr Masterson’s point. and i concede there were not any real female composers along the lines of Bach or Beethoven. but when it comes to girl bands, as in rock bands- there are some that are good. i suppose they are the exceptions- but that only makes them extra cool when they come along. i think you and i probably have differing musical tastes, but i can assure you i’m not listening to any media hyped pretty girl fluff.
March 24th, 2008 at 3:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
If they don’t get radioplay they’re not successful as the 90% of male bands who do.
I’ve never heard of anyone on that list sarah.
March 24th, 2008 at 4:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Then they’re not a “girl band” at all. I mean ffs, someone even named Sonic Youth.
I’m yet to see anyone step outside the category of “Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar.” All I see are people leaping to defend women in the industry as a whole.
The fact still remains. There’s been no female savants, and no ALL female band (thus a “girl band” where all the instruments are played by women) worth a warm squirt of infected pelican shit.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 89edd43e2f6f6
Never heard any on that list either but I checked them out and they were shit. Not to mention they were all singers or bass players.
If you wanted to name a female metal singer that actually deserves respect you should have mentioned Angela Gossow. None of the ones you mentioned has a decent growl.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Well, i didn’t think you had anyway.
The point was, they are talented musicians. He used paris fucking hilton as an example of a female musician. Thats horrifying. I heard one of her songs, it sounded like binaural vomit to me.
People who define good music by wether or not the radio plays it usually have terrible taste in music. They’re the same people who think im wierd because i dont like destinys child.
The only music that is played on the radio is catchy popular shit that usually sucks. I mean, not always, talented bands like Alice in chains Stone temple pilots and Pearl Jam all get radio play, but the fact is, if its not popular, theyre probably not going to play it. Try getting the radio to play lateralus or Aenima on the radio. Or actually any Tool song besides sober, vicarious or Jambi.
Believe me, ive tried, its not gonna happen unless you have a rare dj who will play it.
It doesnt take talent to get on the radio, it takes popularity. For gods sake have you turned on a pop or hip hop station lately? Every song sounds like a retard with a speech impediment reciting poetry and banging on empty paint cans.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Otep has the best female growl ive ever heard. You may need to check her out again if you missed it.
I left her out thanks for adding her! Shes great too.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
I Dont think you have to play the guitar or drums to be a good musician.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Any ALL female band ive ever heard has sucked anyway.
But theres nothing inadequate about being a bass player or vocalist.
Theyre are plenty of bassists and vocalists, male and female, who rock.
So i guess what he should say is that he thinks you suck if you dont play the guitar or drums. In which case he would be insulting alot of male musicians.
“i speak in verses, prophecies and curses” -otep
March 24th, 2008 at 5:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
I used her as an example of a woman who got famous because of her dealings with a cock, you stupid cunt.
Fuck off my website.
-Dick
March 24th, 2008 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 989add7e9c018
There are more good male bands than female bands, in general. End of fucking story.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Thats true. But it’s not an indication that men are better than women, which is what hes trying to pawn it off as.
Im better at cooking than my boyfriend and hes better at playing football.
But, hes better at singing than i am and i’m better at changing a tire.
It doesn’t mean one of us is better.
It just means we each have our strong points, and there’s alot of rock paper scissors to see who takes out the trash.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
no. block me if you dont like it.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
no. block me if you dont like it.
No. You can block me if you dont like it.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
By the way, Igetdick.com is a website full of pathetic lazy women.
They literally disgust me.
It is astounding that any woman would concede to being stupid and worthless just to get the acceptance of people who hate her. Oh wait its been happening since the beginning of time because these women have about the confidence and mental capacity of a common fieldmouse.
“I don’t want to do anything of substance in life, especially if it requires hard work, so i’m just going to pretend i don’t even have the capacity.”
I can’t believe you have any respect for them.
I don’t.
I hope their fat cheating husbands all have heart attacts while they’re on top of them in bed and the bitches suffocate to death under the weight of their massive hairy stinking visceras.
The world would be a better place without a bunch of sellouts running aroud proud of their inferiorty complex.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
@Sarah- it’s not very nice wishing death on people.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe42bc1be6f5e
Gee. Switch the word “husbands” for wives and thats something Darth Vader (AKA SOTS) would have said; your dropping to the bathos, Sarah. Darth has threatned to kill me twice and cut my dick off. Are you going to wish this on me as well?
I guess we all become what we hate.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
I’m leaning more towards dragging your barely animate corpse behind my internal combustion chariot in front of your loved ones.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 00eb5ff257b95
How delightful! We can call it Manhole’s Mogadishu Moment. Yea, Ill invite the entire family.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: e409eb508f908
Too true. I certainly wouldnt pay for any of that garbage. Heck, I wouldnt even download it for free.
In fact, if every female band and musician disappeared off the shelves of record stores it would hardly make a blind bit of difference. But if you took all male bands and musicians off the shelves you’d be left with 5 shelves of shit consisting of half a dozen genres.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3586da4680616
Female musicians fuck bands. I have had experience with females in a band situation and they do nothing but not show up to practice fucking ever and complain constantly. To any budding musicians, do fucking not include any female in anything to do with your band. They will make it a nightmare.
*D3C*
March 24th, 2008 at 7:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9342b2aa308e5
Um…like women?
Oh, hang on. They’re not “proud” of it. They just use it incessantly, along with their faux victimhood, to get favours, poor dears, while pretending to be “strong and independant”.
@Doubt and manhole…
Please continue the maths exposition.(It’s stuff I haven’t been anywhere near for twenty years and forgotten much of.) Aside from the fact that musical and mathematical skill appear to be linked it’s a damn sight more interesting and productive than girlie bands(of either gender).
March 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
I was thinking more of the Battle of Troy in the industrial age, manhole.
Besides, Somalis shoot like women.
Atreyu - Falling Down
March 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 01849618d7baf
OK. Doubt: Tell me what number follows after this list of numbers: 1,3,5,7,9,11,13…..?
March 24th, 2008 at 9:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 631f11dd1ef4e
That was a lazy fuckin post Dick, poor post. Not good, and with the book coming out and the traffic on the up and up, i’d be lifting your game mate. That was a shitful post. Didn’t crack a smile.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Dick posts to prove the ways men are better than women. 400+ ways and counting. If some of those ways seem more mundane than others that’s not his fault. It’s simply another log thrown on the pile of evidence needed to return women to a state where they might actually be useful for something again.
-Solomon
March 25th, 2008 at 7:31 am - IP Man-Hash: e0f0a45876d85
@Bill,
She’s not worth the effort.
@Sarah,
So in your head, if I admit it when another man is stronger than me, smarter than me, quicker than me, or better than me in some way, then I have an inferiority complex? If its a fact its a fact. If I have a problem with it I can attempt to improve myself. Or simply accept it and focus on what my own strengths are.
The women at igetdick.com don’t lie to themselves as you do. They can see the obvious. Go back to your myspace.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:39 am - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Examples of just how bad girl bands suck:
1. Kittie - an animal name? Fuck you.
2. The Donnas - A girl band + starting with ‘the’ = nothing good could come of that.
3. Otep (as someone mentioned) = bunch of white ‘hardcore singers’ having a pasty white chick as their lead singer? Yeah, fuck you too.
4. Save Ferris - ska/punk band that tries too hard to fit in with the rest of the greater guy bands in this genre. Fuck them too.
Dick, this post was a good one because you brought attention to something that has been annoying me for years: women in bands. Sure it gets them some male fans from due to some sex appeal, but overall, getting past their lyrics and ‘musical talent’ these chicks claim to have, they all fucking suck.
Kudos to you on this post.
Oh yeah, Sarah: fuck you too. I bet you grew up singing in the mirror, hoping one day you’d be the next Carnie Williams too, right? Just do everyone a favor and stop posting in here. Your opinions have been deemed unworthy the second your fingers hit the keyboard.
March 25th, 2008 at 6:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: ba40496e007e7
Hell, why stop at girl bands? I’m all in for going after those fucking teeny bopper boy bands that sound like women too.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Yes. The women on igetdick.com
If they are in fact women.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
You make me sick.
I bet you feel special about being “deemed worthy” by a bunch of people who think you’re inferior and should be property.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
I dont lie to myself. There are only a few things in my life that a man has been able to do better than me.
I have beaten men at many things just as some men have beaten me at other things.
I got my first gun on my 6th birthday from my dad (a real man) who said “go out there and show those boys who’s boss” And i did. I got my first video game from my brother who said “if you cant beat me at this in a month your getting a beating” i never got that particular beating.
Alot of thing that are stereotypically strong pionts for men and weak points for women are really just things that women dont try hard enough at. Any woman in history who has tried, has become great in her own right.
My life experience, and many other womens, is a clear indicator that women can be great at anything if they’re not afraid of a little hard work and dedication.
I know you want a woman who sucks at everything but making you dinner and sucking your dick, but in reality, those women are worthless to anyone except you.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Hmmm lets see….voice