Girl Bands Are Shit
Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.
In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.
But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.
Girl bands are shit.
Fuck Teamwork
Being in a band is like being in a cockblocking competition. Your weapon is your instrument, and your foe is every other man on Earth. Since the only cock women have ever had to block to get what they want is their husband’s, women don’t know the first thing about being in a band.
Competition is the spark plug of greatness.
Without musical competitiveness among band members, you end up with a mess lacking in conviction and full of trial and error. Girl bands are like middle-management teleconferences. Everyone wants to look as busy as possible, no one is actually doing anything, and it’s all out of sync because technology isn’t magic.
A fuzz box won’t make a girl a star. Only a penis will do that. See Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or Heather Mills for an explanation.
Boyfriends
All girl bands have at least a hundred songs about their ex-boyfriends. The second girls learn to talk, boys are all they want to talk about. The second girls learn to write, boys are all they want to write notes about. If girls could learn to piss in the snow, guess what they would be pissing. Boys.
The reason girl bands who are successful are over-hyped monsters created from focus groups, is not because of marketing. It’s because “real” girl bands shoot themselves in the vagina with truckloads of repetitive and immature emotional horseshit. Not even PT Barnum could sell a “lesbian”-looking trio from Silverlake who don’t think it’s cool to put on mascara or lip liner while they sing half their songs about what it feels like to be used up sperm dumpsters.
At least the Spice Girls had snazzy boots.
Too Complicated
There are only three instruments that women can play with any kind of competence. Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar. Everything else is way too complicated.
Until the four bass quartet is an actual thing anyone wants to listen to, girl bands can go fuck themselves.
No smoking in bars? How about no girl bands.
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March 24th, 2008 at 6:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe42bc1be6f5e
Gee. Switch the word “husbands” for wives and thats something Darth Vader (AKA SOTS) would have said; your dropping to the bathos, Sarah. Darth has threatned to kill me twice and cut my dick off. Are you going to wish this on me as well?
I guess we all become what we hate.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
I’m leaning more towards dragging your barely animate corpse behind my internal combustion chariot in front of your loved ones.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 00eb5ff257b95
How delightful! We can call it Manhole’s Mogadishu Moment. Yea, Ill invite the entire family.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: e409eb508f908
Too true. I certainly wouldnt pay for any of that garbage. Heck, I wouldnt even download it for free.
In fact, if every female band and musician disappeared off the shelves of record stores it would hardly make a blind bit of difference. But if you took all male bands and musicians off the shelves you’d be left with 5 shelves of shit consisting of half a dozen genres.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3586da4680616
Female musicians fuck bands. I have had experience with females in a band situation and they do nothing but not show up to practice fucking ever and complain constantly. To any budding musicians, do fucking not include any female in anything to do with your band. They will make it a nightmare.
*D3C*
March 24th, 2008 at 7:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9342b2aa308e5
Um…like women?
Oh, hang on. They’re not “proud” of it. They just use it incessantly, along with their faux victimhood, to get favours, poor dears, while pretending to be “strong and independant”.
@Doubt and manhole…
Please continue the maths exposition.(It’s stuff I haven’t been anywhere near for twenty years and forgotten much of.) Aside from the fact that musical and mathematical skill appear to be linked it’s a damn sight more interesting and productive than girlie bands(of either gender).
March 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
I was thinking more of the Battle of Troy in the industrial age, manhole.
Besides, Somalis shoot like women.
Atreyu - Falling Down
March 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 01849618d7baf
OK. Doubt: Tell me what number follows after this list of numbers: 1,3,5,7,9,11,13…..?
March 24th, 2008 at 9:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 631f11dd1ef4e
That was a lazy fuckin post Dick, poor post. Not good, and with the book coming out and the traffic on the up and up, i’d be lifting your game mate. That was a shitful post. Didn’t crack a smile.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Dick posts to prove the ways men are better than women. 400+ ways and counting. If some of those ways seem more mundane than others that’s not his fault. It’s simply another log thrown on the pile of evidence needed to return women to a state where they might actually be useful for something again.
-Solomon
March 25th, 2008 at 7:31 am - IP Man-Hash: e0f0a45876d85
@Bill,
She’s not worth the effort.
@Sarah,
So in your head, if I admit it when another man is stronger than me, smarter than me, quicker than me, or better than me in some way, then I have an inferiority complex? If its a fact its a fact. If I have a problem with it I can attempt to improve myself. Or simply accept it and focus on what my own strengths are.
The women at igetdick.com don’t lie to themselves as you do. They can see the obvious. Go back to your myspace.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:39 am - IP Man-Hash: fb1de3c77ad9c
Examples of just how bad girl bands suck:
1. Kittie - an animal name? Fuck you.
2. The Donnas - A girl band + starting with ‘the’ = nothing good could come of that.
3. Otep (as someone mentioned) = bunch of white ‘hardcore singers’ having a pasty white chick as their lead singer? Yeah, fuck you too.
4. Save Ferris - ska/punk band that tries too hard to fit in with the rest of the greater guy bands in this genre. Fuck them too.
Dick, this post was a good one because you brought attention to something that has been annoying me for years: women in bands. Sure it gets them some male fans from due to some sex appeal, but overall, getting past their lyrics and ‘musical talent’ these chicks claim to have, they all fucking suck.
Kudos to you on this post.
Oh yeah, Sarah: fuck you too. I bet you grew up singing in the mirror, hoping one day you’d be the next Carnie Williams too, right? Just do everyone a favor and stop posting in here. Your opinions have been deemed unworthy the second your fingers hit the keyboard.
March 25th, 2008 at 6:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: ba40496e007e7
Hell, why stop at girl bands? I’m all in for going after those fucking teeny bopper boy bands that sound like women too.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Yes. The women on igetdick.com
If they are in fact women.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
You make me sick.
I bet you feel special about being “deemed worthy” by a bunch of people who think you’re inferior and should be property.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
I dont lie to myself. There are only a few things in my life that a man has been able to do better than me.
I have beaten men at many things just as some men have beaten me at other things.
I got my first gun on my 6th birthday from my dad (a real man) who said “go out there and show those boys who’s boss” And i did. I got my first video game from my brother who said “if you cant beat me at this in a month your getting a beating” i never got that particular beating.
Alot of thing that are stereotypically strong pionts for men and weak points for women are really just things that women dont try hard enough at. Any woman in history who has tried, has become great in her own right.
My life experience, and many other womens, is a clear indicator that women can be great at anything if they’re not afraid of a little hard work and dedication.
I know you want a woman who sucks at everything but making you dinner and sucking your dick, but in reality, those women are worthless to anyone except you.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Hmmm lets see….voice, hips and bass guitar
I must have forgot about Meg White.
Drummer.
Extremely successful and talented.
You lose.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
by the way lady xx, ive never heard of carnie williams. She might be alittle old for my generation.
Or she might just suck…like you.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Actually they’re not singers, they’re a band. And they don’t “have her” as their singer, she started the band.
She kicks ass.
Just because you suck at everything doesn’t mean every other girl does too. You’re just a lazy slob who apparently doesn’t try to be good at anything but getting on the good side of people who look at you as nothing more than an animal with no soul.
Do you feel proud of that?
March 25th, 2008 at 10:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
I would go back to my myspace, but myspace is pretty boring. Nothing but douchebags, really. I only keep it to keep in touch with family & friends.