Girl Bands Are Shit
Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.
In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.
But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.
Girl bands are shit.
Fuck Teamwork
Being in a band is like being in a cockblocking competition. Your weapon is your instrument, and your foe is every other man on Earth. Since the only cock women have ever had to block to get what they want is their husband’s, women don’t know the first thing about being in a band.
Competition is the spark plug of greatness.
Without musical competitiveness among band members, you end up with a mess lacking in conviction and full of trial and error. Girl bands are like middle-management teleconferences. Everyone wants to look as busy as possible, no one is actually doing anything, and it’s all out of sync because technology isn’t magic.
A fuzz box won’t make a girl a star. Only a penis will do that. See Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or Heather Mills for an explanation.
Boyfriends
All girl bands have at least a hundred songs about their ex-boyfriends. The second girls learn to talk, boys are all they want to talk about. The second girls learn to write, boys are all they want to write notes about. If girls could learn to piss in the snow, guess what they would be pissing. Boys.
The reason girl bands who are successful are over-hyped monsters created from focus groups, is not because of marketing. It’s because “real” girl bands shoot themselves in the vagina with truckloads of repetitive and immature emotional horseshit. Not even PT Barnum could sell a “lesbian”-looking trio from Silverlake who don’t think it’s cool to put on mascara or lip liner while they sing half their songs about what it feels like to be used up sperm dumpsters.
At least the Spice Girls had snazzy boots.
Too Complicated
There are only three instruments that women can play with any kind of competence. Their voice, their hips, and a bass guitar. Everything else is way too complicated.
Until the four bass quartet is an actual thing anyone wants to listen to, girl bands can go fuck themselves.
No smoking in bars? How about no girl bands.
Related Articles:
March 24th, 2008 at 6:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
During those awful ‘oppressed times,’ we had female singers who did not consider themselves girl singers or women singers - just jazz musicians, war protesters, etc. Now for some odd reason they feel unwilling to perform nude and yet awkwardly make every other indication of their sex. When I was a kid, I had difficulties with some of the 70s singers, but I’m pretty sure a girl wouldn’t have to wear some distasteful tank top and miniskirt for me to determine her gender.
Nobody likes hot pink. Christ, I’d rather let my kids watch South Park than the Disney Channel - I mean that with all due sincerity. I’m a college student, by the way, so my concern about children I’ll have in 20 or 30 years should imply a little depravity in our current system.
Nonetheless, I am realistic about the future. The world is becoming less centralized again, I’ve looked through history and seen that these things happen in a logarithmic sinusoidal pattern. Now, eventually the environment is going to hit the ceiling, but then I’m hoping we’ll run out of petrol before then.
Either way, we’ll have to live within our means - math says that much.
In summary:
Yes indeed, girl bands do suck. And I would rather let a child watch South Park than Hanna Montana.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:58 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
Its either logarithmic or sinusoidal; it cannot be both at the same time. If its an oscillating property then you should say its sinusoidal -ED
PS. no one really believes that your a college student, tank-boy.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
log(x)*sin(x)=ans
log is exponential. Exponential increases, in a predictable sinusoidal way, to clarify.
Didn’t manhole promise to ignore me?
March 24th, 2008 at 7:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
What’s -ED stand for?
March 24th, 2008 at 7:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
Hannah Montanna is not a girl band. sheesh. she’s a pre-packaged creation of the disney channel.
there are some, not many, but some girl bands that rock-
the breeders
luscious jackson
L-7
the go-gos (okay, they may not rock, exactly, but…)
kurt cobain said that the breeder’s first album, pod, was one of his all time favorite records.
and while you say all girls write/sing about is boys- i would submit that a huge percentage of songs by boy or girl bands are about love- either how great it is or how much it sucks.