Internet Dating is Sick and Wrong
Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.
Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.
1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.
Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that.
If you’re going to date — which is something I advise against — at least date with your dignity and your balls intact. That not only saves you significant loss to your Man Points, it also increases your chances of ending up in a fulfilling, sexual “relationship”.
1. Internet dating is a perversion of technology.
Technology is meant to save lives and achieve the unimaginable; like landing on the moon or having a four hour erection. It’s not meant to do something any jackass with a twenty dollar bill and pick-up lines he memorized off the list below could do at a T.G.I. Friday’s ten minutes into Happy Hour.
Would you like a drink for free?
I just moved here from England. Is it true that American girls don’t like to give head?
Do you like dogs?
Dick Tip!
Pick-up lines are just like women. They’re all the same and for maximum effect, they should be used as often as possible.
On the scale of manliness vs. womanliness, perverting technology is as womanly as it gets. Women use technology to create problems, not solve them. That’s because technology solved all the problems a woman could ever have with the invention of duct tape. Once the mouth is shut, all of a woman’s problems magically disappear. It’s as if none of them existed in the fucking first place.
2. Internet dating is a perversion of sex.
The human sexual appetite has evolved over thousands of years. Women constantly criticize men for obsessing about sex, but perhaps women would all like to go fuck themselves. If it weren’t for sexual obsession, men would never have boned the hideous she-monkeys that comprised our species thousands of years before Christ was born. Without deviant monkey rape, there would be no “us”.
Attraction is a complicated thing, which I will now explain in layman’s terms.
For a woman, attraction is based on how much time and money it takes for a man to delude a woman into thinking it’s a good idea to fuck. This process continues indefinitely. In the case of men, attraction is based on how much time and money — and bullshit — a man is willing to spend on some trophy tramp for the privilege of fucking her. This process continues indefinitely.
Wait a minute, that’s not complicated at all.
And that’s exactly the mistake every woman on every internet dating site makes the second she clicks “Join”. Over-complicating something that a rat can do with its eyes closed by finding some other rat — or gerbil or whatever — to fuck. That means every woman on every internet dating site a neurotic nightmare.
3. Internet Dating is a perversion of “awesome”.
I would never want to date a woman who wasn’t impressed by my expensive watch. That means I’ll never use J-Date until it features the following question:
Impressive Watch? Yes / No
If YES, please provide a picture of said watch in the space below.
Being awesome means having a bunch of awesome stuff and not being afraid to use it. And internet dating caters to the exact opposite: an uninspired mass of crap and regurgitated nonsense that sums up everyone on the planet in two paragraphs and a quote from Family Guy. Women love internet dating for exactly that reason. They can browse endlessly and egotistically over the same bullshit and never make a decision because the flood never ends. For women, internet dating is like shopping for shoes and working at the Post Office all mixed in one.
Dick Tip!
Women on personals sites who say they like “Family Guy” or “Adult Swim” are fat as fuck.
Manclusion
You can’t pervert sex, technology, and “awesome” without striking out of Man Points. Internet dating is womanly and a sham. If you’re thinking about joining a personals network or emailing one of those sluts you’ve heard so much about on MySpace, just talk to a real girl instead.
Girls are dumber than shit and easy to talk to because of it. They don’t know how money, politics, or even their own orgasms work, and they’ll be forever grateful to you for teaching them. Man the fuck up and use the internet for what it was designed for: work or porn.
Just try not to do both at the same time.
Related Articles:
Pages: « 4 3 [2] 1 » Show All
Dick — you’re Jewish? Mantastic!
@King Wang- you would make a great jerry springer show audience member. but i bet you hear that all the time…
Most of all the women I’ve dated had a “secret internet life”. Once, they had to get dressed, put make up on and perfume and go to social places. Now, thanks to dating sites, they can create a fake id, upload a picture and start new romances away while you are working your ass off, or just when your back is turned, even from home. And all the women that had an internet life, cheated on me with people from online dating sites. Because once some bad moments appear as in every relationship, instead of working it out, they’d rather have a new fresh cock loaded with bullshit, ready to drop an avalanche of compliments than fighting for what they actually have and what is actually real. They also come back afterwards because once it’s done, there’s nothing magic anymore about just another dude who wanted to empty his balls.
Hell, I laughed when I posted it. If it is funny, use it. If you whine about it, must be on the wrong end of that shit stick. Cry me a river….
No, I just enjoy insulting strange females on a man site.
But you do prove the point of, “The slower they are, the more likely they won’t leave fast enough”.
I don’t agree. After all, I think women who won’t shut the hell up should be beaten about the head and facial area, especially in movie theaters.
Same thing really, women do the same as my cellphone, make a lot of fucking noise for the end result of something really fucking stupid that can be done later, if not at all. Only, now you have a woman WITH a cellphone.
There you go, great fucking idea right there…….two different things making the same fucking noise to no one’s benefit.
oh, i wanted to add something, something upon which we can all perhaps agree?
people who leave their cellphones on in theaters should be beaten about the head and shoulders with them.
Wanted to add, fucked me the first night and I had only been online for 3 days before I shut my profile down. Was getting too confusing. I’m still seeing one, I like her a lot.
@King Wang
insulting some stranger’s hygiene or supposed lack thereof over the internet is childish and not all that creative.
“yeah well you’re…smelly!…so there!”
good one.
That is one of my favorite movies. Except for the chicks playing grownup they make nice eye candy.
What can I say? I’ve only dated 2x and thoroughly filtered them before meeting and both of them fucked my brains out.
Its very tiring though. I can only maintain 1 person at a time. However, if I want, I know there is a vast sea of free leg out there if you market yourself properly and aren’t a douche.
This is coming from someone who smells like a Fishermans’ Fucking Wharf during the summertime. I find anything your Stinky Fish genius comments on to be either suspect, useless, and somewhat lacking in reverse retardation.
As always, the MANtra continues:
“Feel Free to Fuck Off”.
@LadyXX
i suppose just about any words would seem big to a person who couldn’t get her mind around the word ‘weren’t’. they are good words, though, and excellent choices. you should look them up and soak up every little nuance of their meaning.
perfection.
and who says it was snide or against men? it was just a question. i don’t think i’ve ever been rude here (aside from breaking the rules and posting while in possession of girl parts, of course- and the second Mr Masterson tells me to fuck off his site, you won’t hear another peep from me (although i will still read, of course)).
you seem very…shrill
i have the funniest picture of you in my head, wagging your finger at me and calling me ‘missy’…
Well, apparently to the trolls on here, I’m viewed as ‘not grown up’ enough, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask this. *ha*
BUT I can tell you that the first step (other than a nice verbal bitchslap of knowledge) is telling a woman she has to recognize when to STFU if, let’s say she has any opposing views on a site such as this MABTW one. (Something that the majority of the women who comment on here seem to lack.)
For example:
Whoa, big words there missy.
In any case, it didn’t matter if it was you who said your first comment or any other chick on here. The fact remains that the 3 replies before yours were positive and manly, while yours was a snide remark against men so it needed to be put on display. Please stop flattering yourself that I can’t seem to leave you alone. This is only the second time I’ve called you out on your bullshit is all. Damn.
Have you seen Starship Troopers, detached?
I would like to know more.
-Dick
@LadyXX- that you can’t seem to leave me alone speaks volumes about you.
you are a sycophantic shrew.
@Solomon- well, i think Mr Masterson’s assertion here is that by it’s very nature and concept internet dating is sick, twisted and not at all manly..
and as for internet dating itself- there are all kinds of sites geared to all kinds of people. even The Onion’s web site has a personals section. I’m sure there’s a site that has at least one question that Mr Masterson could deftly and no doubt comically answer by talking about his watch…
i think internet dating sites can be handy tools when you’re looking for a very specific type of person, or you’re not really into bar or club scenes.
i’ve tried them, for both of the reasons i mentioned above…
as it turns out, though, i met my very specific type of person when he interviewed me for a job. it turned out he lived less an eighth of the mile from me, and had for the whole two years i spent searching for someone just like him.
go figure.
our attraction was instant and not at all based on this:
For a woman, attraction is based on how much time and money it takes for a man to delude a woman into thinking it’s a good idea to fuck. This process continues indefinitely. In the case of men, attraction is based on how much time and money — and bullshit — a man is willing to spend on some trophy tramp for the privilege of fucking her. This process continues indefinitely.
he wears a great watch.
and he’s like the best driver ever.
Lady XX what does it take to make a woman grow up?
Most women remain inmature forever. Incessant bitching and lying is typical of most women.
Yeah, they’re not grateful for anything really-even when a man sits there listening to her bitch & moan.
In any case, the whole article was quite good; the ending just summed it up nicely.
I anxiously await April 2008.
I think he was being sarcastic since most women are never grateful for anything.
And you wonder why you get no respect from some around here.
The point isn’t whether a man started a type of website, because of course he did; no woman is smart enough to think that up and create it on her own. Hell, most of you just pound away blindly hoping to magically get to the right page you’re looking for.
Anyways, good article Dick. I especially enjoyed the last paragraph of:
QFT
All things good are started by men. They only become bad when women are allowed to cast their perversions on it.
-Solomon
weren’t internet dating sites started by men?