Internet Dating is Sick and Wrong
Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.
Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.
1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.
Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that.
If you’re going to date — which is something I advise against — at least date with your dignity and your balls intact. That not only saves you significant loss to your Man Points, it also increases your chances of ending up in a fulfilling, sexual “relationship”.
1. Internet dating is a perversion of technology.
Technology is meant to save lives and achieve the unimaginable; like landing on the moon or having a four hour erection. It’s not meant to do something any jackass with a twenty dollar bill and pick-up lines he memorized off the list below could do at a T.G.I. Friday’s ten minutes into Happy Hour.
Would you like a drink for free?
I just moved here from England. Is it true that American girls don’t like to give head?
Do you like dogs?
Dick Tip!
Pick-up lines are just like women. They’re all the same and for maximum effect, they should be used as often as possible.
On the scale of manliness vs. womanliness, perverting technology is as womanly as it gets. Women use technology to create problems, not solve them. That’s because technology solved all the problems a woman could ever have with the invention of duct tape. Once the mouth is shut, all of a woman’s problems magically disappear. It’s as if none of them existed in the fucking first place.
2. Internet dating is a perversion of sex.
The human sexual appetite has evolved over thousands of years. Women constantly criticize men for obsessing about sex, but perhaps women would all like to go fuck themselves. If it weren’t for sexual obsession, men would never have boned the hideous she-monkeys that comprised our species thousands of years before Christ was born. Without deviant monkey rape, there would be no “us”.
Attraction is a complicated thing, which I will now explain in layman’s terms.
For a woman, attraction is based on how much time and money it takes for a man to delude a woman into thinking it’s a good idea to fuck. This process continues indefinitely. In the case of men, attraction is based on how much time and money — and bullshit — a man is willing to spend on some trophy tramp for the privilege of fucking her. This process continues indefinitely.
Wait a minute, that’s not complicated at all.
And that’s exactly the mistake every woman on every internet dating site makes the second she clicks “Join”. Over-complicating something that a rat can do with its eyes closed by finding some other rat — or gerbil or whatever — to fuck. That means every woman on every internet dating site a neurotic nightmare.
3. Internet Dating is a perversion of “awesome”.
I would never want to date a woman who wasn’t impressed by my expensive watch. That means I’ll never use J-Date until it features the following question:
Impressive Watch? Yes / No
If YES, please provide a picture of said watch in the space below.
Being awesome means having a bunch of awesome stuff and not being afraid to use it. And internet dating caters to the exact opposite: an uninspired mass of crap and regurgitated nonsense that sums up everyone on the planet in two paragraphs and a quote from Family Guy. Women love internet dating for exactly that reason. They can browse endlessly and egotistically over the same bullshit and never make a decision because the flood never ends. For women, internet dating is like shopping for shoes and working at the Post Office all mixed in one.
Dick Tip!
Women on personals sites who say they like “Family Guy” or “Adult Swim” are fat as fuck.
Manclusion
You can’t pervert sex, technology, and “awesome” without striking out of Man Points. Internet dating is womanly and a sham. If you’re thinking about joining a personals network or emailing one of those sluts you’ve heard so much about on MySpace, just talk to a real girl instead.
Girls are dumber than shit and easy to talk to because of it. They don’t know how money, politics, or even their own orgasms work, and they’ll be forever grateful to you for teaching them. Man the fuck up and use the internet for what it was designed for: work or porn.
Just try not to do both at the same time.
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It’s basically trolling for hookers. None of the internet women I fucked were worth more than just that. A fuck.
- Sgt. Reyes
And speaking hardly means you are intelligent, a failing every Man here see women so often do…..
@my goodness. holy assumptions, batman..
of course he doesn’t drive an automatic. why would you assume that?
Steering an automatic is hardly driving.
- DJ Tiesto - In The Dark
add s
I’m really sorry that happened- that horrible.
I don’t know about that, but I wish things would show up after I posted them, instead of disappearing into the Intertubes to reemerge later.
I wonder if there is a site somewhere where all the lost posts eventually appear, like a dead letter office.
anchorite, I believe that needed to be said twice.
-Dick
I’ve had sex with several women I met on the internet. None of them were worth it, but then neither were most of the other women I’ve slept with. All women are unfit for relationships, the Internet just gives you a wider selection of undatable women to stay the hell away from.
I’ve fucked several women I met on the internet. None of them were worth it, but then neither were most of the other women I’ve slept with. All women are unfit for relationships, the Internet just gives you a wider selection of undatable women to stay the hell away from.
i dont know if mr. masterson allows linking to other sites, but whomever is the writer at http://www.nomarriage.com hit it right on the head.
http://www.nomarriage.com/dangerwords.html
he listed the “real” meaning of words in women’s personal ads.
worth a look.
@Zardoz- i do think generalizations can be good for laughs- not for productive, thought provoking discourse. i am suspect of any statements that include the words all or always- on either side. i try to speak only from my personal experience, which includes plenty of good and bad interactions with both genders.
and @ King Wang again- it is simply not true that no man will fuck up a relationship as long as he’s got a steady flow of sex in which his partner is a happy and willing participant. my daughter’s father, for example, had and continues to have a problem with cocaine that he refused to stop or get treatment for. while i still loved and cared for him, i found i simply could not respect him or trust him to make good decisions for our family. i thought of him as weak, and that’s really an uncomfortable way to feel about your man so i had to leave. and while i do struggle with guilt about it becuse of my belief in the nuclear family- i really believe i did the right thing.
i did not, however, rape him or even take him to court for child support, or deny him access to his child, and i NEVER bad mouth him in front of our daughter. and when he recently wrapped his car around a telephone pole while drunk, i went and took care of him, and drove his stupid ass all over town for the duration of his license suspension. although we aren’t under the same roof, i still consider us a family. i actually probably won’t remarry, or live with another man until my daughter is away at college.
I wonder if women will ever understand that painting things with the same brush of generalisation lends amusement and humour to the vile, selfish and spiteful reality that there are many examples with whom such generalisations actually apply?
Oh wait! They DO!!
It’s apparently just not funny when it is themselves being slapped with the paint brush.
The difference as I see it is, man-humour bundles typical behaviour into the generalisation basket then laughs at the contents, whereas women first either exaggerate common behaviour to fuckery or select the absolute worst imaginable examples, then throw their carefully selected minuscule sample (or gross exaggerations) into the generalisation basket and actually BELIEVE it’s all true in every single instance. Whereupon they then form a lobby group to have this ghastly state of affairs redressed by congressmen.
@King Wang- just as i would never begin to blame all of the ills of the world on men, i would never do it to women, either. i have in my life been ‘victimized’ by men- when i was quite young and unable to protect myself. i don’t blame all men for this- or paint them all with the pedophile brush. i actually mostly blame my mother who should have been home with me instead of out pursuing a career she decided on after having adopted me. she was very much a product of the ‘i can do it all’ generation. but i’ve had enough stuff happen where i could justifiably sport some kind of man-hate- and i don’t. i could also think all women are like my mother and hate them, too. but i don’t. i don’t even hate my mother.
negative emotions are a waste of time.
i don’t think the sort of discourse that paints everyone with the same brush in broad sweeping strokes can ever be productive or positive- and that is what i strive to be- both here and in life.
I KNEW I was doing it right then!
The only time it’s good to put a personal ‘ad’ on the internet is when your only intention is to get nudie pics from them. See: Craigslist.org.
What I hear all the time Fish Monger is everyone screaming, “SHUT THE FUCK UP SUSHI”.
Yes, even you can hear it. Please, don’t use the Heller Keller Defense, it does not work. Selective Deafness doesn’t mean Prodigous Greatness, but then again, by now you should know the drill.
Talking A LOT does NOT = Being Right
Talking LOUDLY does NOT = Being Right
However, your last post proves that at least you have the capacity for discourse. BUT, remember that your generalities of “people” in place of “Female” is where you are lacking on all things relationship.
THAT is the next step.
Logical Step: You KNOW men want to have sex. That is the extent of a relationship, with some minor transgressions into emotional…(shudders)….territory.
Therefore, men can’t possibly fuck up a relationship because they WANT to keep having sex. And, if that be true, they most definitely would not END a relationship due to GOOD SEX.
Hmmm…..methinks if it takes two to tango and horizontal mambo, and one of the two is obviously LESS interested in fucking up a good thing, that would leave………..Ding! The OTHER party involved who is ALWAYS…..
A Female. Who will always fuck up a good thing.
Score 73, Kitty Carlisle.
OMG, I think Sushi just had an epiphany.
Take your thought process one step further sushi. You can do it.
It is such an honor to witness this kind of stuff.
@Uli-
i totally agree that people today are too quick to give up on relationships when problems arise. too quick to trade something old in for something new. but i think that it isn’t unique to women, or even to relationships.
western culture espouses instant gratification and disposablity in almost every facet of life.
i really think that’s what’s wrong with us.
all of us.
i really wish i had been alive in the little house on the prairie days instead of now. except for the music…
Is that what the “J” in J-Date stands for? I thought it meant “Juicy”.
-Dick