Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Hey Dick,
Just wanted to say that I’m a woman and I agree with a LOT of what you have to say on this site.
Now normally I don’t comment on things like this (I just read it for the entertainment value) but I thought this article was particularly interesting because it seems to contradict what you have been saying (at least recently) about the subject of women being whores.
I remember in one of your articles you said something along the lines of “I won’t stop calling women whores because that’s exactly what they are”.
If I am understanding you correctly, then I would think you would be for teaching women to be whores, strippers, prostitutes, ect.
However in this article you seem to be completely against the…how do I put it…
“whorification” of women (yeah, I know it’s not a word).
In the majority of other posts I’ve read (and one or two “Dick’s Voicemail’s”) you seem to protest (rather loudly) that men should not discourage women from being whores, because that is all they are ever good for and that is the highest form of greatness they can ever hope to achieve.
So it seems that by your logic mothers like Lynne Spears are the archetypal of how women should raise or teach their daughters.
Just a thought.
Anyway, thank you for preaching what is (mostly) the truth in a humorous and “manly” manner.
lmao!!! you guys need to stop being such faggets and mess with someone that can really fuck you up. Messing with women? wow lol good job fucking idiots.
Lol that’s right Kara. Poor little Dick is afraid WOMEN will make fun of him therefore he wears sunglasses. Don’t feel too bad Dick I’m sure your boyfriend loves you just the way you are. Btw are you the girl in the relationship? Seems that way.
andirine trainbearer stipendium queenroot troggin truthfulness hemophile uninfeft
St Saviour’s Anglican Church, Glen Osmond
http://www.dennisbeach.com/
I’m the fucking man… and you man… are correct.
Chivalry, my friend, is dead because nobody wants it ” I CAN DO IT MYSELF “
Fucking right. The truth hurts! Sign right up at the forums.
If, as all these dumb whores come here and post nonsensical rants and diatribes attest, there is no validity to the MAN opinions ( the only ones that matter) expressed herein, then why do they keep coming here and making their juvenile, retarded, fish stinking CUNT COMMENTS ?
I will tell you why, it’s because the truth hurts them, and the breeze is blowing up their TUNNEL CUNTS and wobbling their tongues, crazed, like drunken vipers ( hope you don’t mind me borrowing that, what a fucking superb line) and thereby they validate ( not that we needed them to do that ) what us SUPERIOR PENIS OWNERS knew all along. Fucking kick ass forum Dick, keep it coming, set all the slimy whores alight.
Hey dumb cunt, he took his glasses off during one of the Dr. Phil episodes and his eyes were just fine. Also, I’ve seen him doing other things (Dick gets around) and his eyes are just fine.
Now, lets talk about your lack of a functioning brain.
The reason the poor little guy wears those sunglasses is because he has a really bad lazy-eye, making him look as retarded as all the bullshit he spews. You’ll notice he is NEVER photographed without them, because he knows people will make fun of him. And him being the short little wimp he is, well - he’d cry over it. xoxo
“Women thinking…”
is like an oxymoron
Your second sentence is the precise reason for not doing so. Eventually Dick is going to have an enormous array of quotes from women proving the very points he makes about them. They really can’t help themselves, it’s part of the Tourettes Syndrome he speaks of in various articles. Even their indoctrinated and assumptive belief in how wonderful they are is coaxed into headstrong vituperations which prove his assertions by the act of telling them they’re not welcome here.
It’s veritable genius on his part, heheh.
I agree with you but Dick would rather let them come make examples of themselves and prove him right…repeatedly. You think women would actually think things through before posting….yeah right, women thinking.
You should moderate the comments and get rid of all these useless bottom feeding whores. It just illustrates another point that men do not go where they are not wanted and women love to be where they are hated and cause trouble. All these women are attention whores that need to be flushed down the toilet.
Happy new year, Dick. With another year shall come more women trying and failing to be equal to men… who will be the next celebrity fuck up? Who will be the next dumbass Upton? How many more women will try to falsely accuse men of rape again? Stay tuned folks…
I cannot stand women ‘professionals’. Woman doctors, woman journalists, I just fucking hate the sound of their fucking voices. As a matter of fact the only sound I like to hear a woman make is the slurping sloppy sound when she is sucking my fucking dick. I fucking hate women.
The funny part is that it happens to men all over. Especially when you have fame or money.
Unless he can impregnate them simply by looking at them. Chuck Norris does it all the time.
He answered that, on the show. He didn’t want to mesmerize women with “The Look” and be swarmed by crazy women who might wind up impregnated.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
-wolfe
Signed.
Hey Dick, quick question.
Why did you wear sunglasses during the whole episode of Dr. Phil?
He’s hiding something. Actually wearing sunglasses indoors is considered a person who is not being honest. Or hiding themselves.
I am sure Jamie Spears ended up like that the same you reason you ended up the way you did.
For fuck’s sake, are you lot STILL feeding the fucking trolls?? Sad to say, this site gets worse.
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TNRC
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In that case, baby Oil is the ointment required. Tell your frigid “girlfriend” to try it.
Haven’t been on in awhile thought I would comment. I notice that many of the women on here still resort to the same old shaming tactics. Lady XX you are a most welcome addition here in my view. However, can’t you sorry bitches come up with anything better or perhaps even DIFFERENT?
-Strength and Honor-
*I* realize this… now why can’t others?
I often wonder why some spineless males actually allowed women to vote, given that every chance a woman gets to make a decision, she will always make the stupid decision if there’s some drama in it for them. I swear, if they didn’t have pussies, they be hunted to extinction. Women, you will ALWAYS be your own worst enemy.
Nope. It’s actually a real disorder that involves an involuntary tightening of the muscles which makes it difficult or impossible to, you know, put stuff in there. It’s definitely not an ointment type situation. I don’t have it (of course), but a girlfriend of mine thinks she might.
It sounds like a holiday, though right?
Merry Vaginismus to all and to all a good…tight.
You can probably get an ointment that will clear that up in no time.
So, I’ve seen you on Dr. Phil. I read you sometimes now, and I don’t really get offended because I doubt anyone could truly be as much of an ass as you purport yourself to be. I bet you’re a pussycat. Plus, you’re actually pretty funny.
I never thought I’d be moved to comment here but I felt I must.
I’m all for irreverence but burning Grover?
Burn my bra.
Burn my voting card.
Burn the flag.
But Grover?
There’s gotta be a line…
Merry Vaginismus
I see Junkie Lunatic Asshole has been let out of the asylum again.
Your pet names for us cease to amuse me.
Yeah, that’s what I kind of figured when I read the synapse of it online. Sounds interesting enough. Ever read the graphic novel Y: The Last Man? Interesting to check things out on that perspective as well.
@LadyXX: I might add that aside from the fact the deeds of those two hippy pieces of shit put IT Security at the forefront of business trade concerns, which has been very profitable for anyone involved in that spectrum, and enabled the development of security measures to protect nations in circumventing international incidents, if anyone actually watches the movie, they will discover that “the penis is evil” concept was used as a means of population control and selective breeding. Only the Chosen Ones were permitted to breed, and both worthless skanks and manginas collectively filled the spectrum of “Brutals” whom were hunted and put to death for sport. I recommend watching it if you manage to find a copy someplace, it’s definitely entertaining.
While I have seen the movie, and it IS kick-arse if you are capable of thinking (it’s plot-line being more difficult to follow than Pulp Fiction). That’s not the only place one might get the name Zardoz from. I did find the movie’s concept of deriving the name from The Wizard of Oz, amusing. Though as stated, the name has a different source of meaning altogether for myself. Thier detective work is infantile, as are their manners, attempts at humour, and perceptions of reality.
I also agree completely that wow-female’s quote cannot be stated enough. It’s interesting to note they must have the lifeless existence they mistakenly accused me of also, for only a truly worthless creature would remain on a website where they specifically are not welcome for as long as they have. Perhaps it is true as someone else observed, that the abuse and disregard they are treated to hear is the closest they come to any form of affection and attention. When someone shouts at another to kill themselves as wow-female has had targeted at her, that suggests a deep seeded fixation for the deed. Perhaps one of the trolls are thinking of doing that very thing. Someone hand it a potato peeler and let’s clinically observe the result.
Bow Wow, The only picture I want to see of you is the one of you in the morgue after you kill yourself.
Lady/Gentleman, I have seen pictures of hermaphrodites in Mosbys and it’s not pretty, no offense.
ManWhoreVoice, You can’t even count to ten, how could you possibly begin to fathom 100,000?
JLA - 0, me - 100000.
I win. Don’t feed the trolls.
LadyXX - What I think is really happening right now is that we are being goaded to release photos of ourselves. She is soooo wrapped up in what we are doing/saying it is obvious she is quite titillated by us and just wants to add our face to her fantasies. I for one have no interest in being a source of excitement for her masturbating sessions. Truly, I hope shes at least washing her hands before spreading her funk to the keyboards.
And you are a fucking man. Admit it, don’t admit it do whatever the fuck you want to do just please do me one favor… GO KILL YOURSELF!
haha, fucking awesome.
Right. They are your typical grade A women. They figure, “oh look, a site in which everyone HATES us.. well, why not post here and see if we can cause some trouble? lolol i’m sooo cool right now!” when in reality they are nothing more than a bunch of mutes in today’s society–completely useless. At least they should try to team up and make their own website and leave this one the fuck alone.
FUCK NO!
Dick is ANYTHING but open minded.
ARE BEING FUCKING SERIOUS?
His views on women are so narrow-minded & ridicoulous not even a brick would agree with them.
Everyone in favor of Dick is the epitome of closed minded & disgraceful.
I must admit that this article was rather great because for ONCE it was true.
But, people, please, understand, VERY FEW women are like the Spears family.
That family is just media whores.
Everyone who posts positively on the other articles on this site is just completely fucked up & deserves pitty.
Thats it? My mother should have killed me at birth? Wow, I dont think I can compete with insults like that!
Grow up - J.ust L.ike. A.woman.
LadyXX - If you were ever in a room full of people where everyone was staring, pointing, laughing at you (obviously that would not happen to you because you are repesectable) would you or would you not leave? These girls are like a cancer. They get ahold of something and wont let go even when you are dousing them with medicine…
Okay, maybe you are a hermaphrodite. My sincere apologies. That being said, you should not hate your female side. Maybe you have more male components than female, but you should value all of your makeup. I just watched a documentary about your kind and I truly feel sorry for you. I know you are confused although, you should not worry some day you will find the real you whether it be male or female. For the time being you really should get your anger in check. It is unfair that you were born that way, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You should check to see if they hold any type of conventions where you could meet others like you. Sometimes that helps (being amongst people like yourself) because they understand exactly where you’re coming from and what you’ve been through.
Good luck with that!
Your mother is ridiculous for not killing you at birth!
Cannot be stated enough. Apparently I’m a man too.
I gotta hand it to them, for women, they really suck at their detective work. WOWIIIEEEE Zardoz got his name from a fucking movie that is supposed to be pretty kick-ass from what I hear (for that time), you and I are both men simply b/c we agree with the views on here.. I gotta hand it to them, whatever they do for a living, they should seriously drop it and join the police academy b/c CLEARLY they are going to be great private i’s someday.
(just watch as their only retort is: ‘you’re a man, blah blah’ as if that 5 year old mentality type of putdown actually holds any worth)
Thats awesome! I love how I can post from two different locations at the same time. Thats why they are soooooo right! I am a man and a woman! Not only that, but I have superhero capabilities! I put on my cape and fly from place to place to post on this site! I make sure the windows are wide open though cause I could hit my head when flying in too fast!
Those skanks are ridiculous!
This is Wow being nice? Man whore voice you are just as fucking lame as him. Wow is a fucking man! In fact Wow is Zardoz. And maybe you should go back and read the post from last night when Kiki explained where Zardoz got his name! That being said there are alot of you who are pretending to be things you are not. So you can kindly get the fuck off this website!
Lynne Spears = epic fail.
Seriously.
I stand corrected Lady XX.
Not “may” be useless, or even “will” be useless…
They “ARE” useless.
Can’t wait.
Not “may” be useless”. You will be useless.
Good, then I thank all those who are giving me their tax dollars so that I may be useless.
? Wow was truly being nice. Unlike you, she does not put on airs or attempt to condescend upon others just because they do not agree with her. You are a whore, a bitch and should go to hell. Now, kindly fuck off this website.
HAHAHAHAHHA. Alright, not to worry, that is what affirmative action is here for. Wasting tax dollars on useless people like yourself.
I dont really come on here for long and sometimes enjoy flinging the trolls some peanuts and watch them scramble around for a while.
Anyway, I’m shattered for the day and am working tomorrow so I’ve got to catch some zzzz’s.
Good Lord,
Maybe Wow finally went to kill him/her/itself, and end the worlds misery!
I said this yesterday, Geeza. These scutters should be spoken about, not spoken to. They are just attention seekers and I won’t give them any. They can say what they like but they don’t get an answer from me but I’ll talk to someone else about what they say.
Like many things, Geeza….ignore them and they will go away.
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TNRC
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I am not simply talking about myself, I was singled out by Geeza based on my aspirations, and rideculed me for them.
Guilty as charged.
Troll feeding time once more, I see
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TNRC
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Big loss of man points to me for getting sucked in. What the hell. I’m off too.
Who says I’m discouraging you? The point I am trying to make is that feminism is turning women into a bunch of selfish shrews.
If you’re looking at a disfunctional child, a broken home, a family broken apart or a couple on the verge of the divorce somewhere down the line you will find a woman who is selfish. Feminism says thats good; You dont need a family, or kids or a man.
I say thats the biggest fuckup in modern society.
Nothing wrong with following a dream as long as you look at it critically and pick out any flaws and tweak it.
Good Luck with everything though. Bye.
Hilary - Why do you still come here? Just curious, cause it seems that all you are doing now is talking about yourself… Seriously, I think we could all sit here and type away about what our dreams and goals are, but this is not the forum for that. Your points have been made, what now is the point of all this? Oh wait, I’ll answer that for you. Attention.
You know, does this make you feel better?
Trying to discourage someone?
It is actually quite funny to me, the fact that you are trying to discourage a stranger! Of corse it isn’t working, but why do you take such a fascination?
So I think that you should forget about it and let it go because it does not regard you.
Where have I heard that before about a million times?
And thats where the sinking ship of feminism pulls all her passengers down with her. Life isnt a fairy tale where you just ‘follow your dreams’ and everything turns out rosy.
Strange huh, someone with attainable dreams, and isn’t actually giving them up!
Thank you!
IF you havnt noticed… this isnt a ‘GIVE PROPS TO CUNTS” website. Please go do that elsewhere.
Hilary? Are you drinking right now?
I don’thave a family, I don’t know if I will, that relies in the future.
What I do know is that I want to attain my goal and be happy to wake up in the morning knowing that I have my perfect career. This is the situation I want because I do want a career, and that is the one career I would fight for.
I can’t relate to family matters, considering I do not have my own, but I do know that I want a career, and as I have staednumerously in this, that is my dream and I am done discussing it.
Call me on what? The BRAT thing? Thats an army term. Your right. why would I name the branch im in? so you cunts can go… Your in the navy your gay! Your in the airforce! Your a pussy! Your in the army! your dumb! Doesnt matter what branch im in….
Chilvary is dead because no one deserves it.
Hilary,
Regardless of what anyone tells you, and I know you’re smart enough to know this, don’t give up your dreams for any reason. You do what makes you happy!
You look forward to a selfish lonely existence?
Hilary, if you want your efforts to benefit others, who better to benefit than your family?
I enjoy what I do, I make shitloads of money doing so but I didnt get as much pleasure out of buying myself a car as I did buying my son a car.
Geeza,
Unfortunately you are right about the soldiers not being remembered and honored as they should be. And yes it is very sad that more people mourn movie stars and singers then the brave souls who fought and died for them.
Why thank you Geeza, I look foward to that future.