Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Big loss of man points to me for getting sucked in. What the hell. I’m off too.
Who says I’m discouraging you? The point I am trying to make is that feminism is turning women into a bunch of selfish shrews.
If you’re looking at a disfunctional child, a broken home, a family broken apart or a couple on the verge of the divorce somewhere down the line you will find a woman who is selfish. Feminism says thats good; You dont need a family, or kids or a man.
I say thats the biggest fuckup in modern society.
Nothing wrong with following a dream as long as you look at it critically and pick out any flaws and tweak it.
Good Luck with everything though. Bye.
Hilary - Why do you still come here? Just curious, cause it seems that all you are doing now is talking about yourself… Seriously, I think we could all sit here and type away about what our dreams and goals are, but this is not the forum for that. Your points have been made, what now is the point of all this? Oh wait, I’ll answer that for you. Attention.
You know, does this make you feel better?
Trying to discourage someone?
It is actually quite funny to me, the fact that you are trying to discourage a stranger! Of corse it isn’t working, but why do you take such a fascination?
So I think that you should forget about it and let it go because it does not regard you.
Where have I heard that before about a million times?
And thats where the sinking ship of feminism pulls all her passengers down with her. Life isnt a fairy tale where you just ‘follow your dreams’ and everything turns out rosy.
Strange huh, someone with attainable dreams, and isn’t actually giving them up!
Thank you!
IF you havnt noticed… this isnt a ‘GIVE PROPS TO CUNTS” website. Please go do that elsewhere.
Hilary? Are you drinking right now?
I don’thave a family, I don’t know if I will, that relies in the future.
What I do know is that I want to attain my goal and be happy to wake up in the morning knowing that I have my perfect career. This is the situation I want because I do want a career, and that is the one career I would fight for.
I can’t relate to family matters, considering I do not have my own, but I do know that I want a career, and as I have staednumerously in this, that is my dream and I am done discussing it.
Call me on what? The BRAT thing? Thats an army term. Your right. why would I name the branch im in? so you cunts can go… Your in the navy your gay! Your in the airforce! Your a pussy! Your in the army! your dumb! Doesnt matter what branch im in….
Chilvary is dead because no one deserves it.
Hilary,
Regardless of what anyone tells you, and I know you’re smart enough to know this, don’t give up your dreams for any reason. You do what makes you happy!
You look forward to a selfish lonely existence?
Hilary, if you want your efforts to benefit others, who better to benefit than your family?
I enjoy what I do, I make shitloads of money doing so but I didnt get as much pleasure out of buying myself a car as I did buying my son a car.
Geeza,
Unfortunately you are right about the soldiers not being remembered and honored as they should be. And yes it is very sad that more people mourn movie stars and singers then the brave souls who fought and died for them.
Why thank you Geeza, I look foward to that future.
JLA does.
And for your info, whether she knows it or not, I’m doing Hilary a huge favour.
After a marine is killed in combat, he’s just a statistic except to his family. Ask any member of the public to name US 5 soldiers killed in combat in Iraq and they will struggle.
Same applies in real life. Feminism will leave the lot of you as old lonely women surrounded by shoes, handbags and cats. Thats some impression you will have left on the world.
Geeza and Dace just actually proved a great point!
Did all you supporters of this website see it? We did.
CHIVALRY IS DEAD!
CHAUVINISM IS BORN!