Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
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Thats it? My mother should have killed me at birth? Wow, I dont think I can compete with insults like that!
Grow up - J.ust L.ike. A.woman.
LadyXX - If you were ever in a room full of people where everyone was staring, pointing, laughing at you (obviously that would not happen to you because you are repesectable) would you or would you not leave? These girls are like a cancer. They get ahold of something and wont let go even when you are dousing them with medicine…
Okay, maybe you are a hermaphrodite. My sincere apologies. That being said, you should not hate your female side. Maybe you have more male components than female, but you should value all of your makeup. I just watched a documentary about your kind and I truly feel sorry for you. I know you are confused although, you should not worry some day you will find the real you whether it be male or female. For the time being you really should get your anger in check. It is unfair that you were born that way, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You should check to see if they hold any type of conventions where you could meet others like you. Sometimes that helps (being amongst people like yourself) because they understand exactly where you’re coming from and what you’ve been through.
Good luck with that!
Your mother is ridiculous for not killing you at birth!
Cannot be stated enough. Apparently I’m a man too.
I gotta hand it to them, for women, they really suck at their detective work. WOWIIIEEEE Zardoz got his name from a fucking movie that is supposed to be pretty kick-ass from what I hear (for that time), you and I are both men simply b/c we agree with the views on here.. I gotta hand it to them, whatever they do for a living, they should seriously drop it and join the police academy b/c CLEARLY they are going to be great private i’s someday.
(just watch as their only retort is: ‘you’re a man, blah blah’ as if that 5 year old mentality type of putdown actually holds any worth)
Thats awesome! I love how I can post from two different locations at the same time. Thats why they are soooooo right! I am a man and a woman! Not only that, but I have superhero capabilities! I put on my cape and fly from place to place to post on this site! I make sure the windows are wide open though cause I could hit my head when flying in too fast!
Those skanks are ridiculous!
This is Wow being nice? Man whore voice you are just as fucking lame as him. Wow is a fucking man! In fact Wow is Zardoz. And maybe you should go back and read the post from last night when Kiki explained where Zardoz got his name! That being said there are alot of you who are pretending to be things you are not. So you can kindly get the fuck off this website!
Lynne Spears = epic fail.
Seriously.
I stand corrected Lady XX.
Not “may” be useless, or even “will” be useless…
They “ARE” useless.
Can’t wait.
Not “may” be useless”. You will be useless.
Good, then I thank all those who are giving me their tax dollars so that I may be useless.
? Wow was truly being nice. Unlike you, she does not put on airs or attempt to condescend upon others just because they do not agree with her. You are a whore, a bitch and should go to hell. Now, kindly fuck off this website.
HAHAHAHAHHA. Alright, not to worry, that is what affirmative action is here for. Wasting tax dollars on useless people like yourself.
I dont really come on here for long and sometimes enjoy flinging the trolls some peanuts and watch them scramble around for a while.
Anyway, I’m shattered for the day and am working tomorrow so I’ve got to catch some zzzz’s.
Good Lord,
Maybe Wow finally went to kill him/her/itself, and end the worlds misery!
I said this yesterday, Geeza. These scutters should be spoken about, not spoken to. They are just attention seekers and I won’t give them any. They can say what they like but they don’t get an answer from me but I’ll talk to someone else about what they say.
Like many things, Geeza….ignore them and they will go away.
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TNRC
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I am not simply talking about myself, I was singled out by Geeza based on my aspirations, and rideculed me for them.
Guilty as charged.
Troll feeding time once more, I see
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TNRC
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