Lynne Spears’ Parenting Book, Chapters 1-5
I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.
Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.
If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says.
Through some hillbilly amalgamation of and hooch and ether fumes, Lynn Spears has managed to raise some of the worst female role models in history. She has plumbed the depths of poor parenting in a most spectacular way and come up swinging. I, for one, can’t think of a better arena for her personal insights into the world of knocked-up catastrophes than a parenting advice book. In fact, I can see the chapters now.
Chapter 1: Mountain Dew. It’s Got What Babies Need.
Don’t feed your baby Mountain Dew instead of breast milk.
It may come as a surprise to women, but breasts aren’t only meant to score free drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s. Breasts are also meant to nourish young. Hillbilly mothers feed their babies Mountain Dew instead of breast milk for the same reason they don’t put their kids in car seats. They don’t fucking care. Trailer trash pop divas can pump out kids just as fast as their slovenly sisters. You can take the womb out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the womb.
What else but maternal apathy could explain letting your daughter miss a bunch of fucking court dates and mandatory drug tests. Chapter one in Lynne Spears’ new parenting book must include such gems as, “Fuck court. It’s not like they can take your kids”, “Why dogs are better than babies” and, “Car seats? Who needs em!”
Chapter 2: Finding the Right Baby Daddy
Under no circumstances should you find a “baby daddy”.
Finding a good “baby daddy” is like finding a 1960 tobacco sunburst Les Paul for under 300 dollars. I have only seen it once and it was broke as shit.
The only problem a man isn’t the answer to is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?” Fuck you. Give it to the state. At least orphans have less chance of going to prison than kids raised by divorced mothers.
Chapter 3: Be yourself.
Do not be yourself. Especially if you’re a woman.
Being yourself as a woman means sleazy, amateur porn videos, and violent outbursts and screaming tantrums that take place somewhere WC Fields used to vomit. That’s desecration of a penistorical manument.
Chapter 4: The Difference Between Sexy and Slutty.
The difference between sexy and slutty is the difference between a mini-van and a Lexus. They both get you where you want to go, one just costs a lot more and you can’t fit as many guys inside of it.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the reputation of World’s Second Biggest Whore, or your other daughter to get knocked up before she can vote, make sure you especially do not follow the advice in this chapter. If Lynn Spears gave her kids a stuffed Grover when they were small, hang a stuffed Grover from a tree in your front yard and light it on fire.
Chapter 5: Pregnancy. It Can Happen to Anyone!
No it can’t. It can only happen to dumb-fucks who don’t know how to look in their date’s purse to make sure she’s taking birth control before they fuck her without a condom. Condoms are stupid. Evel Knievel didn’t use them and neither do I.
One more baby fixes everything.
Any book on mothering written by the mother of a skinhead deemed unfit by the government to babysit her own children despite millions of dollars in royalties, merchandising, and shit, would be a compendium so rich in parenting anti-advice, it should be distributed for free by hospitals. Polio vaccines may save lives, but 26 years of fuck-ups in 200 pages saves you from seeing your daughter on a pole.
Don’t ask a man which he would rather have if you don’t want to hear a scary answer.
Unfortunately, Lynne Spears’ parenting book was swallowed by the gravity of its own hubris. Due to the illegitimate, teenage pregnancy of her second, forgettable daughter, the book was postponed indefinitely.
Comment below if you would like to see this book rushed into production.
Related Articles:
Pages: « 15 [14] 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 … 1 » Show All
Signed.
Hey Dick, quick question.
Why did you wear sunglasses during the whole episode of Dr. Phil?
He’s hiding something. Actually wearing sunglasses indoors is considered a person who is not being honest. Or hiding themselves.
I am sure Jamie Spears ended up like that the same you reason you ended up the way you did.
For fuck’s sake, are you lot STILL feeding the fucking trolls?? Sad to say, this site gets worse.
———
TNRC
———
In that case, baby Oil is the ointment required. Tell your frigid “girlfriend” to try it.
Haven’t been on in awhile thought I would comment. I notice that many of the women on here still resort to the same old shaming tactics. Lady XX you are a most welcome addition here in my view. However, can’t you sorry bitches come up with anything better or perhaps even DIFFERENT?
-Strength and Honor-
*I* realize this… now why can’t others?
I often wonder why some spineless males actually allowed women to vote, given that every chance a woman gets to make a decision, she will always make the stupid decision if there’s some drama in it for them. I swear, if they didn’t have pussies, they be hunted to extinction. Women, you will ALWAYS be your own worst enemy.
Nope. It’s actually a real disorder that involves an involuntary tightening of the muscles which makes it difficult or impossible to, you know, put stuff in there. It’s definitely not an ointment type situation. I don’t have it (of course), but a girlfriend of mine thinks she might.
It sounds like a holiday, though right?
Merry Vaginismus to all and to all a good…tight.
You can probably get an ointment that will clear that up in no time.
So, I’ve seen you on Dr. Phil. I read you sometimes now, and I don’t really get offended because I doubt anyone could truly be as much of an ass as you purport yourself to be. I bet you’re a pussycat. Plus, you’re actually pretty funny.
I never thought I’d be moved to comment here but I felt I must.
I’m all for irreverence but burning Grover?
Burn my bra.
Burn my voting card.
Burn the flag.
But Grover?
There’s gotta be a line…
Merry Vaginismus
I see Junkie Lunatic Asshole has been let out of the asylum again.
Your pet names for us cease to amuse me.
Yeah, that’s what I kind of figured when I read the synapse of it online. Sounds interesting enough. Ever read the graphic novel Y: The Last Man? Interesting to check things out on that perspective as well.
@LadyXX: I might add that aside from the fact the deeds of those two hippy pieces of shit put IT Security at the forefront of business trade concerns, which has been very profitable for anyone involved in that spectrum, and enabled the development of security measures to protect nations in circumventing international incidents, if anyone actually watches the movie, they will discover that “the penis is evil” concept was used as a means of population control and selective breeding. Only the Chosen Ones were permitted to breed, and both worthless skanks and manginas collectively filled the spectrum of “Brutals” whom were hunted and put to death for sport. I recommend watching it if you manage to find a copy someplace, it’s definitely entertaining.
While I have seen the movie, and it IS kick-arse if you are capable of thinking (it’s plot-line being more difficult to follow than Pulp Fiction). That’s not the only place one might get the name Zardoz from. I did find the movie’s concept of deriving the name from The Wizard of Oz, amusing. Though as stated, the name has a different source of meaning altogether for myself. Thier detective work is infantile, as are their manners, attempts at humour, and perceptions of reality.
I also agree completely that wow-female’s quote cannot be stated enough. It’s interesting to note they must have the lifeless existence they mistakenly accused me of also, for only a truly worthless creature would remain on a website where they specifically are not welcome for as long as they have. Perhaps it is true as someone else observed, that the abuse and disregard they are treated to hear is the closest they come to any form of affection and attention. When someone shouts at another to kill themselves as wow-female has had targeted at her, that suggests a deep seeded fixation for the deed. Perhaps one of the trolls are thinking of doing that very thing. Someone hand it a potato peeler and let’s clinically observe the result.
Bow Wow, The only picture I want to see of you is the one of you in the morgue after you kill yourself.
Lady/Gentleman, I have seen pictures of hermaphrodites in Mosbys and it’s not pretty, no offense.
ManWhoreVoice, You can’t even count to ten, how could you possibly begin to fathom 100,000?
JLA - 0, me - 100000.
I win. Don’t feed the trolls.
LadyXX - What I think is really happening right now is that we are being goaded to release photos of ourselves. She is soooo wrapped up in what we are doing/saying it is obvious she is quite titillated by us and just wants to add our face to her fantasies. I for one have no interest in being a source of excitement for her masturbating sessions. Truly, I hope shes at least washing her hands before spreading her funk to the keyboards.
And you are a fucking man. Admit it, don’t admit it do whatever the fuck you want to do just please do me one favor… GO KILL YOURSELF!
haha, fucking awesome.
Right. They are your typical grade A women. They figure, “oh look, a site in which everyone HATES us.. well, why not post here and see if we can cause some trouble? lolol i’m sooo cool right now!” when in reality they are nothing more than a bunch of mutes in today’s society–completely useless. At least they should try to team up and make their own website and leave this one the fuck alone.
FUCK NO!
Dick is ANYTHING but open minded.
ARE BEING FUCKING SERIOUS?
His views on women are so narrow-minded & ridicoulous not even a brick would agree with them.
Everyone in favor of Dick is the epitome of closed minded & disgraceful.
I must admit that this article was rather great because for ONCE it was true.
But, people, please, understand, VERY FEW women are like the Spears family.
That family is just media whores.
Everyone who posts positively on the other articles on this site is just completely fucked up & deserves pitty.