There’s a Party in My Pants
I had the extreme misfortune yesterday of watching a show on MTV called The Best Sixteenth Birthday in the World for One Hugely Spoilt Bitch or something like that. I don’t remember what it was. I was busy at the time. What I do remember was how absolutely fucking terribly the little girls on the show behaved — and by extension how all women behave in exactly the same manner. These are role models for young women after all. Research has been done for it.
What the show taught me was something that I already knew, men are better than women at throwing parties. Everyone knows that. P Diddy knows that. And it’s not just because women’s organizational skills are a cluster fuck and that they turn into raving psychos when they have to deal with the kind of stress involved in getting a few dozen baked goods at the corner market or getting a dress hemmed before Thursday. No, it’s because women have their party attitudes all backwards ass — like a mule has had a face drawn on its butt and been taught to walk backwards.
If you ever see that, that’s a woman throwing a party.
It’s a simple question of motive, just like everything else that women fuck up, it’s because their motives are as transparent as an invisible brick wall.
When men throw a party, they make sure everyone has a good time. Men are good guys like that. As long as everyone is well fed, well drunk, and well on their way home by the end of the night with a smile on their face, it was a good party.
Women, however, have their heads screwed on in the wrong direction.
Women throw parties like the Greeks threw parties for their Gods — guess who’s the God. Likewise they expect heaps of libations and offerings to be unloaded upon them at all times. Presents? Yea, you bet your ass you’d better bring something. Bullshit? Oh yes. Be prepared to come up with some bullshit. Bullshit like this:
“Where did you get these napkin holders that also look like magicians hats? Did you purchase them out of a catalogue with your husband’s credit card? Did it take you like five fucking minutes when all was said and done? Did you have to get express shipping because you fucked off with the whole thing until the last minute? Well it really ties the whole stupid theme together. You’re so creative with your eight hours a day that aren’t spent at an office or a construction yard. And I’m so glad that eighteen pack of Amstel Light lasted like twenty minutes.”
Sounds like some world class bullshit doesn’t it? Well it is, and it’s also the kind of shit that you have to say at a woman’s party if you expect to get invited back. Plus you have to take whatever lame party favor is given to you at the end of the pseudo-party with a big smile on your face and not at all say, “What the fuck is this thing?”
When a man plans a party he asks himself these questions and then the party planning is done.
1. Do I have a trashcan or buckets full of ice and beer? Check.
2. Do I have as many chips and subway sandwiches as would fit in a shopping cart? Check
3. Are there going to be hot, hot ladies at the party?
Usually the answer to the third is ‘No’, but in a way that’s why men’s parties are so good. Because there are never any women around to fuck them up by pretending to play princess for a day.
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August 24th, 2005 at 11:48 am - IP Man-Hash: fc0a1f47284ec
You’ve obviously never come to one of my parties. Napkins just mean more clearing up in the morning, there’s no way any of my friends would have them. I also finance my parties with my own money (all the booze and food etc), no one brings ‘presents’ unless it’s more drink that they particularly like. You must have a very boring social life if you go to that kind of party.
August 24th, 2005 at 11:53 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
I’ve obviously never come to one of your parties? Is that supposed to be an impression of Veruca Salt? Because if it is it’s a good one.
-Dick
August 24th, 2005 at 12:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
Hortensia, I can believe none of your friends use napkins; I’m sure none of them use toilet paper, either.
August 24th, 2005 at 4:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: cc0d45fa29251
As a man, I know what it takes to throw a damn good party. I also know, as a guest to many female-planned “get togethers” which don’t even deserved to be called parties, women can’t. Hint to women, the best part of the party should not be when I get to go home so that I don’t have to hear you blabber anymore bullshit nonsense about the air. Man patries involve booze, music, games (see ping pong, darts, foosball, beer pong, various drinking games, etc.), watching sports, and eventually, some nice nekkid bouincing titties. Women “parties” involve shit-eating grins with fained greetings and bullshit so thick I’d need a sawz-all to cut through it.
August 24th, 2005 at 6:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8f017666cb7a7
What you seem to be confused with Dick, is the difference between a party, and a dinner party. Dinner parties are the one with the napkins, and are completely different from ‘party’ parties. I know plenty of guys that host dinner parties, which do indeed involve napkins folded into aesthetically pleasing shapes, and i know lots of women who hold some wild parties which are very similar to the one you described as being a ‘real party’.
August 25th, 2005 at 7:02 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
If you are a man, how exactly is it you know what happens at women’s get together. Morbid curiosity?
August 26th, 2005 at 10:58 am - IP Man-Hash: fc0a1f47284ec
Jimbo, my name is not Hortensia. I’d complain about the spelling but that would make me a hypocrit and it’s just copying the name from the top of my message, not nearly as complex as spelling. And no, my friends do use toilet paper however cleverly folded napkins aren’t traditional when eating pizza whilst listening to System Of A Down and watching the cricket on TV.
Maybe Dick cross-dressed? Maybe he has cunt envy?
August 26th, 2005 at 11:03 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
It would make you a hypocrite you illiterate little girl. Now how about taking your favorite band and BFF bullshit over to myspace or livejournal where it belongs.
-Dick
August 27th, 2005 at 5:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Dick, how exactly is it you know what happens at girls get togethers?
August 28th, 2005 at 10:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 467b5991597e9
Hidden cameras and a minimum of two sisters (preferably onethat’s older than he and one that’s younger). The two of them should throw enough Feminazi parties that he knows everything that happens at their parties, right down to what moves the lesbians like their partners to use when they finally strip…
Note: The hidden cameras is an addon and isn’t as important as the two sisters. Hidden cameras only make the gathering of such valuable knowledge as Dick Masterson has that much easier to obtain. However, the very noise of such parties should be more than enough to explain what’s happening to someone such as Mr. Masterson, who has a fertile and vivid iMANgination… (who else could have thought of a MAN Bag!?)
September 8th, 2005 at 2:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Your brains not even connected to your mouth is it? Idiot.
October 27th, 2005 at 1:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04c1fd760d95b
“Nicole Says:
August 27th, 2005 at 5:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Dick, how exactly is it you know what happens at girls get togethers?”
There is no fucking escaping them, my favourite is the tupperware party.
Yes,they have parties to sell fetish plastic.
Unbelievable,
And boring as all hell.
How do we know ?
Because women have to blabber everything, they have to tell everyone within listening distance about their ” really had so much fun” tupperware parties.
February 21st, 2007 at 10:01 am - IP Man-Hash: adc0a2c9dafc9
But you don’t even have one for your mouth to connect too.
And that is why you just say anything without any logic to it..
February 21st, 2007 at 10:22 am - IP Man-Hash: 1e9a4fd46c3a7
I really don’t party much. I mean when I go to a party I just sit and talk, or move my head up and down to the music near the DJ.
February 21st, 2007 at 10:51 am - IP Man-Hash: a2dadaa74aa7e
I know, parties are dull. How can you talk and dance 4 the whole night. Boring…
February 21st, 2007 at 11:02 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
because you’d rather get heavily intoxicated, act like an obnoxious slut, fuck half the guys in the party and then, after you realise that you’ve been labelled as the campus whore, run to the police and claim that you were raped.
Now that’s what you call fun, isn’t it?
February 21st, 2007 at 11:23 am - IP Man-Hash: a2dadaa74aa7e
No, I rather stay home and be on my computer, watch tv or even sleep. lol
because you’d rather get heavily intoxicated, act like an obnoxious slut, fuck half the guys in the party and then, after you realise that you’ve been labelled as the campus whore, run to the police and claim that you were raped.
Now that’s what you call fun, isn’t it?
February 21st, 2007 at 1:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: a730319341049
I think I love you.
February 21st, 2007 at 1:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: a2dadaa74aa7e
thank you.
April 8th, 2007 at 4:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 9604615ec560b
you forgot to mention chicks make parties boring too sometimes. im not sure wat kind of parties u adults have but me being a teenager the kinda parties i love are the kinds where everyone is half wasted on booze and people are jumpin around with music playing and people breaking shit and doing insane dares and smoking up on some weed and chugging down on some beer bongs.
i have come to realise all those things only happen when its a guys only party. when chicks are at the party they just sit around and talk. thats all they fuckin do. sit around and talk. im fuckin serious. and by sitting around and talking they totally mess up the atmosphere for insane partying. real partying. and it pisses me off.
April 8th, 2007 at 10:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 8ffb499d91c67
Absolutely true, Jon.
Adult parties are the same.
-Dick
April 8th, 2007 at 12:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: 951dc4f6e4ff6
Yup. The reason for this is simply that all women are inherently kill-joys (except for strippers).
June 13th, 2007 at 9:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 926a1904cecf2
Easy, just imagine a good party. Now, take out all the fun and replace it with misery.
June 27th, 2007 at 4:27 am - IP Man-Hash: b6f97ac8a94a7
Women’s parties are about bitching which they call “socialising”. Its a mix between gossiping and backstabbing their best friends. Wait, correction, their “BEST FRIENDS”.
November 21st, 2007 at 10:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7713bf4977e10
Women either get sit around and talk, or try to get really, really wasted (refer to Dick’s article about the drinking contest… I think it’s like “Manniversary” or something), then compete for who can get the most attention (which involves slutting themselves around, cheating on their boyfriends (not always with another guy) and vomitting everywhere), and usually start bitching about someone. Sometimes they don’t even need to be drunk to do that. Those times you’d prefer they just sit the fuck down and shut up.
December 9th, 2007 at 2:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
So now the main thing is men throw better parties?
Inspiring.
December 9th, 2007 at 6:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
Not that I agree with it, but I have heard SO SO many guys say “If its with another girl, its not cheating”. Eh, but the parties thing is true.
We bitch like crazy, but theres more then that. We dance to. You have to understand, you’re making fun of something that is almost outta our control…we’re the social sex, thats our specialty. We can choose to make or break someone, unfortunately, we choose to break….:(
December 10th, 2007 at 4:34 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Being social means starting rumors, talking trash, and not knowing when the hell to shut up? Just curious. This is what most women think being social is.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:42 am - IP Man-Hash: f68191fe56ea6
ahhh…as weird as this is gonna sound…kinda yeah. Part of it anyway. Whoever bitches the most, is at the top of the ladder…the movies aren’t lying. And yes, you ARE ostracized for not bitching. (Most of the time, at least thats the way it is in my age bracket- but from the stories Im told, i doubt that will change).
January 8th, 2008 at 5:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: c1eb6f232480d
January 8th, 2008 at 5:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: a1076a8d78fb1
Golden, Col. Welcome aboard and thank you for adding yet even more evidence that girly-girls are subhuman and that ignorance is no excuse for cruelty.
April 12th, 2008 at 4:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9d5c03290f8ac
Male parties are better for both sexes. At male parties you can get the girl hammered, take her into your friends new car and decorate the back seat.
At womens parties they’ll bitch and bitch some more about that friends new car..”Oh she can’t afford it, but she loves the attention the guys give her”.. Fuck it ya know? You wanna get her back? Make her scrub my cum off it for the next few weeks.
The only way to throw a party is by throwing a male party.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 1ac2a4a5cc387
Dick,
A buddy and I are throwing a huge backyard party next month…there’ll be a bunch of hot bitches for you including myself…there’ll be plenty of booze, enough food for you to gorge on, loud music and thats it. Some of us girls can throw good parties too.
July 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 6aad864d1fdac
Which do you prefer then guys? Boring or slaggy? You can’t have it both ways! And by the way, you obviously haven’t been to one of MY parties.