My Man Bag
Recently a series of unfortunate events has led me to a phenoMANol new invention. But before I discuss it in detail, I want to describe the misfortunes that befell me and led to its discovery. As all you men can clearly tell, what I am about to do is not ‘bitching about my bad day’ — a common woman practice that involves a monotonous screed of easily predictable follies and failures that plague a woman’s life.
What I’m doing is sharing the experiences that led to this great new invention: The Man Bag.
1. I slept on a couch and lost my car keys, which I didn’t discover for several days.
2. Some woman — overcome with hysteria — knocked a full Appletini onto my lap and doused my cell phone with sugary liquor.
3. Ten minutes later, someone stole my pack of cigarettes that I had left on the counter because I was sick of them being in my pocket. That meant I had zero cigarettes.
What the Man Bag is, is something like a pouch — or a portable pocket, held on a cross-body tether. It’s similar to the manly satchels and gunnysacks worn by such man men of history as the pioneers and Indiana Jones, except your Man Bag by come in a completely different shape and size. What is universal about the Man Bag is that it has a million and one uses. Let me explain.
If I had had a Man Bag, my car keys would not have been in my pocket. I also don’t use a key ring because key rings are so effeminate they make me sick, so when I sleep on a couch, all my keys fall out. That is not so with a Man Bag. When properly zipped up, your keys are as safe as peas in a pod. Also, nothing can be spilled on your manly gadgets and electrical devices when they are protected by a Man Bag. Man Bags come in many water resistant materials including nylon and canvas. Your protection may vary.
If someone steals your cigarettes, normally you’re fucked because no man wants his pockets stuffed with extra packs of cigarettes. Then you’d look like a jockey. With a Man Bag, two or even three packs of cigarettes can safely be carried — along with several lighters!
In fact, new uses for the Man Bag are discovered perpetually while investigating its utility first hand. That’s how you know Man Bags are truly a perfect fit with man — because they are constantly improving and being even more useful — just like men.
I was leaning over someone to fetch my drink from a table — something that happens all the time in any crowded bar. Occasionally, it will result in an accidental penis touch. Something that we all know is a major deduction of your Man Points and sometimes (especially if it’s a woman) a loss of your drink. In this case, my Man Bag swung around and protected my dibblety gibblety automatically — like it had a mind of its own.
I’m thinking that the Man Bag is going to do for men what the hands free headset and Pump Reebok running sneakers did: make us faster and more powerful than we ever could have imagined. Either way, like everything else every thought of by man, the Man Bag is genius.
Related Articles:
Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Watcher=Mr. Empty-pants!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
Dick, though I personally know exactly what you’re talking about, calling it a “man bag” is a gravely serious loss of man points. “Man Bag,” NEVER to be confused with a man’s “sack,” is actually just another term for “man purse,” which renders the user a flaming homosexual. The term you’re looking for is “bag,” perhaps “backpack,” if the bag happens to be a backpack. The bad news? Loss of man points. The good news? You’ve got a healthy cache of man points built up.
Good Job! you invented a purse for men!
I’ll carry a man bag if it has a rifle in it. Otherwise no way.
Man Bag… Even after your eloquently worded explanations, it’s still gay.
A Man can handle the stuff he needs to carry. If he needs more than his own person, or cargo pants (a la BDUs); then he needs a Truck. If it’s small enough as to not warrant a Truck, but too much to carry around everywhere he goes; he shouldn’t be carrying it everywhere he goes (!) and has failed to use his man logic to understand this.
http://www.forumammo.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10071/normal_wife.jpg
i think i may have stumbled upon an answer for having too much shit for pants but not enough to warrant a truck.. its your girlfriend’s purse. let’s just say you wanted to carry the essentials… keys, wallet, cell phone, cigarettes, pocket knife, and a lighter or two. now, you can put the wallet in your back pocket (i personally think its uncomfortable to sit on a wallet) but you could make it work, and your cell phone and keys in your side pockets, well.. no one wants to sit on their cigarettes, and no matter how you arrange the items in your pockets, you’re going to end up with either broken shit or incredibly uncomfortable… so why not take your girlfriend out for a night at the bar, put your shit in her purse, and tell her to stay put until you come back to get money/a cigarette/your cell phone? that way at least she is serving a purpose while she’s taking up space at the bar, and you dont even have to spend the night with her! im genius. MABTW.
P.S. you may want to take your money and credit cards out of your wallet before you leave it with her… we all know what can happen when women are left unsupervised with a man’s money.
I cant stop laughing!
-man-space invader-
I have been carrying a man bag – or, as I’ve come to call it, the “man sack”, for the better part of three years. I keep over fifty pounds of awesome electronics and important work files in it and carry it slung over my shoulder everywhere I go. An 8-inch-thick leather monstrosity, it’s nobody’s purse.
This has led to another important discovery on behalf of men everywhere – the man bag (or man sack) is an amazing exercise tool. Fifty to seventy pounds of extra weight being lugged about isn’t exactly marine-backpacking territory, but I’ve built up serious toning and lost several pounds I didn’t even know I could lose all thanks to my man bag/sack.
Yet another way the man bag is a practical and genius innovation of men everywhere.
I am a convert to carrying a man bag. Wallet, flashlight, keys, toothbrush, comb, tissues, notepad, writing implements, calculator, first aid kit, change, shoe polish, documents, phone, magnifier, and checkbook all fit inside.
And stuff never falls out, either. It is a practical, organized working solution to overloaded pockets.
Some critics sarcastically tell me, “Nice purse.” They’re just jealous.
Standing on the London tube with your face shoved up someones smelley armpit and their rock hard briefcase poking into your ribs. Then someone giving you the stares because you’re briefcase is poking someone else in the back. This is the daily routine for me. I wish everyone would ditch the hard briefcases and opt for the man bag. I got an Uberbag Leather messenger bag / man bag and love it. Very practical and looks the part and has space for my laptop .. if anyones interested, I got mine from http://www.myleatherbag.co.uk
Cheers, Matt
Wow this conversation has gone on awhile,
Anyways why do women come here, you dont see us going to all their stupid ballbusting forums, typical cuntz cant let us have anything
mostly i just use my car as my manbag.. everything is thrown about inside my car that ill need. but if i had a bag itd be pretty empty.. (cigarettes, lighter, sidekick, camera, sunglasses)
i find that the official ‘ManBag’ looks even worse than most handbags would on a guy. ive actually always wondered.. why the fuck cant i carry around a bag that looks decent to hold all my shit. i only have so many pockets, FUCK. i think a regular messenger bag or even a regular tote bag looks fine.. but ive yet to bother trying to ‘wear’ one. you could always try the fanny pack. BHAHA
Last time i had to go through a purse to get my own money back, nothing in there is remotely important for the survival of the human race. It’s just a place for women to put the shit they need to deceive people into thinking their not ugly whores.
Now, what’s in a manbag gets stuff done.
To everyone calling a manbag a purse, well I’ve never seen a purse I could fit my laptop in. Or books and magazines or a whole carton of cigarettes. I do love my key ring though, its the perfect way to keep a bottle opener on me at all times.
uhh, ok im a fan of this website, but dick YOU ARE WEARING A PURSE AND SOMEONE HAS TO TELL YOU THAT ITS A PURSE AND IS THEREFORE UNMANLY
I’ve always wanted to knock-out a loud-mouthed feminazi with my manbag stuffed with heavy books.
That’s man-optimism for you.
-Dick
Dick, I think you should be flattered.
All these spam messages had to be carefully designed to slip past the spam filter and make it into your blog. They obviously put a decent amount of time into figuring out how to get their message seen. And lo and behold, they found one behemoth of a website to put it on. That means that they thought about the best sites, the most visited sites, to advertise on and picked yours.
Congratulations,
Mr.T
What the hell does that have to do with the fact Dick enjoys womens accesories?
GUM clinic? Sounds like a place where people go for their chewing disorders…
According to Webster’s Dictionary, which you can find it on http://www.webster.com (but I’m sure all the men around here already knew that):
CUNT:
1 usually obscene : the female pudenda; also : coitus with a woman
2 usually disparaging and obscene : WOMAN 1a
PUDENDA:
1 the external genital organs of a human being and especially of a woman — usually used in plural
(plural means “more than one”)
COITUS:
1 physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements usually leading to the ejaculation of semen from the penis into the female reproductive tract; also : INTERCOURSE 3 — compare ORGASM
DISPARAGING:
1 : to lower in rank or reputation : DEGRADE
2 : to depreciate by indirect means (as invidious comparison) : speak slightingly about
OBSCENE:
1 : disgusting to the senses : REPULSIVE
2 a : abhorrent to morality or virtue; specifically : designed to incite to lust or depravity b : containing or being language regarded as taboo in polite usage c : repulsive by reason of crass disregard of moral or ethical principles d : so excessive as to be offensive
And Horny is “rather fond” of “cunt” (“Horny” is an intersting name for someone who’s fond of “cunt,” by the way)… very promiscuous, and I suppose she likes her pimps to be as gifted as stallions… (another example that all feminists are prostitutes, whether lesbian or otherwise)
Ahh, proof reading this before I post it makes me feel good. Like any man, and this does not include the castrated men that chase after feminists like Horny, I have provided undeniable evidence to support my point. However, due to the inexplicable and immeasurable wisdom of any feminist, this undeniable evidence will be discarded as useless propaganda to be replaced by the truths of feminist lesbian prostitutes…
Dick, why don’t you shut the fuck up.
Go hide in your “man” handbag.
I never made any suggestion of my mother being a beastiaphile or needing a trip to the GUM clinic. I was merely suggesting that Dicks ‘man’bag sounds suspiciously like my mothers handbag, to go from this to insulting my family is quite a jump and an illogical one at that.
Hortencia, you brought her into the debate, not I.
I consider myself a gentleman and am polite and considerate to those who deserve it. I am a man of the old school; I say “ma’am” and offer my seat to ladies on public transportation. However, women who contribute to this website, a site where they are not allowed, are the type of women who resent gentlemanly courtesies, believing such things are condescending. This is a man’s website and interlopers are the same as party crashers and should be treated as such. When you enter a man’s domain and insult him, expect to receive a manly response.
Bringing peoples mothers into a debate, such a gentlemanly thing to do. I’ve never known a woman to make crass comments about someone’s mother in an argument.
Sometimes the solution to a difficult problem is so simple, so elegant, that others curse themselves for not having thought of it. The Man Bag is such a solution. Sure, now that Dick has described the Man Bag, it seems that certain people (Hortencia) are eager to pretend that “…women caught on to this comcept years ago” (sic). As to your last comment, “…like something my mother would have:” Are you referring to tertiary syphillis or an irresistible urge to fellate animals?
“I got an A in my last English exam…”
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! You got an A on your last English exam? Who in the fuck gives half a shit about your grades, Horty?
“I’m a very good reader.”
Do you post your report cards to your mother’s fridge too?
P.S. Nicole, shut the fuck up.
-Dick
I got an A in my last English exam, which would suggest that I’m a very good reader. I’m so good that I read between the lines and could see you were talking about something suspiciously like something my mother would have.
Dick, that’s like a woman taking a rucksack and renaming it a girlsack and saying it’s a whole new thing. At least be proud of something that’s actually for a man, not just renamed.
P.S. Smoking gives you cancer.
Horty, that’s such a womanly-typical oversimplification that I don’t even want to dignify it with a response.
How in the fuck does a handbag have anything to do with a Man Bag? Did you even read this essay? Can you even read? It wouldn’t even surprise me if you couldn’t.
-Dick
Would that be “cunt”? You won’t get rid of me that easily, I’m rather fond of cunt.
A ‘Manbag’ is a handbag that some bloke has brought and decided to rename, it’s the same thing!
It’s a Man Bag, Not a handbag. Am I going to have to start throwing around the ‘C’ word to get rid of these broads?
You know, I think women caught onto this concept long ago. I particularly enjoyed “key rings are so effeminate they make me sick”, especially coming form a bloke with a handbag!