Marriage Is A Business
In 2006, 86 billion dollars was blown on weddings. This number is misleading, however, as it does not include all the bullshit newly married women buy in an effort to wash the stain of ex-girlfriend off of their new husband’s old furniture.
Yes. Women think like that.
The 86 billion dollar Wedding Waste also does not account for all the vacation plans and work days your average wedding fucks with — especially mine. The real dollar figure is probably in the trillions. Remember when Jennifer Aniston shut down the PCH for her wedding? How much did that bitch cost?
Weddings are obviously a business for dress makers, photographers, videographers, caterers, shitty DJ’s, bakers, florists, musicians, priests, Elvis priests, limo drivers, divorce attorneys, and the entire “chick flick” industry, but more importantly, weddings are a business for you: the groom. Whether you like it or not!
Congratulations, gay people of California. Welcome to hell.
When you sign on the dotted line of a marriage license, you’re entering a business contract. Forget the vows. Forget the Chicken Dance. Forget the lame bachelor party that takes place camping instead of at a strip club because the modern groom is too much of a pussy to look at a naked boob — and the modern bride is too fucking stupid and too much of a bitch to realize that paying to see some tits does not count as cheating. Seeing naked tits is not even in the same universe as cheating. If Total Recall had been released in 2008, engaged men wouldn’t be allowed to see it.
When you get married, you are signing a legal contract. That’s what marriage is. It has nothing to do with “romantic gesture” and everything to do with getting claws in your cash. If you don’t think that’s 100% true, try telling your fiancee that you’re fine with embarrassing yourself in front of your 200 closest friends and family by emotionally masturbating with her in some kind of sick, childlike pantomime of sincere affection just to put a smile on her face; you just don’t want to sign a legal document that leverages sex against money.
Because that’s called prostitution.
The thunderclap you’ll hear right after telling her that is the sound of her vagina closing to you forever. Marriage is a business. When you leave the business part out, women don’t consider it marriage. All women are whores, and nothing says that better than the words, “I do”.
Leaving money out of a marriage turns a woman’s vagina from a retirement fund into a coin purse.
Before you cinch the nuptial noose around your nuts, I want you to ask yourself one question:
Do you remember the last time you made a business decision just because you “felt lucky”? Well do you, Punk?
Besides motorcycles, boats, and mortgages that half of America couldn’t afford, men do not make business decisions based on their feelings and, more importantly, they are never encouraged to start. Consult my last three examples. Each of them is a financial black hole and only one of them turns a profit in Man Points.
Boats are money pits; motorcycles sit unused in the garage until I buy them on eBay for a substantially reduced price; and marriage is a subprime meltdown for your personal life.
Marriage is a business and a WSB (Whore Savings Bond) for the shrill bitch your wife will become the second the divorce papers are signed.
Can you imagine if the rest of the business world operated like the business of marriage? Everything would be owned by one big conglomerate because it would be too expensive for companies to stop doing business with one another. Nothing would ever improve because with no competition, GE wouldn’t invent the all-in-one convection oven/microwave. GE would just sit around in a velor jumpsuit watching television all day, imagining ways her kids could be in danger, and approaching a size 16 at 55 miles and hour in the fast lane. Decisions would be made by a faceless entity of compromise that made no one happy and somehow took ten times as long. Everyone would get 50% of everything no matter how impossible that was and how little work everyone else did. And everything would suck because marriage has zero benefits.
You can have children without being married. Trust me.
The entire shit would also be run by divorce lawyers. In the business of marriage, they’re the real winners.
Every time I get drunk, I sign a contract with Jack Daniels that promises the feeling will last forever. It doesn’t. It’s called a hangover. Grow up and deal with it.
50% of the time, marriage doesn’t “work”, it just doesn’t fail. Just because you didn’t crash your car on the way to Vegas doesn’t mean you had a good time. Maybe you stayed in Binions. Maybe you lost your wallet at a blackjack table. Maybe you just sat in the driveway and cried because your wife will never be your 20 year old secretary.
That’s a loss of Man Points.
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American and Canadian women are frigid cunts who deserve to have their necks broken.
I married my Mexican wife in 1975. We had a small private wedding. She had ordered a long dress from J.C. Penney’s. When it came, it had a bad seam. There was no time to exchange it, so she tacked it up and we got married.
Later, she decided she did not want to keep a damaged dress, and she didn’t want to exchange it and keep a dress she didn’t get married in, so she sent it back and got her money back.
She bought her own wedding ring. Most of the cost of the wedding itself was the $50 I gave the pastor who married us. We fed our few guests cake and ice cream in her apartment. It was a short but intense honeymoon; I thought for a while I was going to have to put moleskin on it.
Ten years later, as an FRA, I realized laws on marriage had become so male-hostile only a fool would marry in the US. But, it made no sense to divorce to avoid divorce, and to my surprise we have been married nearly 33 years.
At 66, she looks as good from the neck down in that red negligee as she did in 1975; I know because my birthday treat some weeks ago had something to do with that. She still has that thing and dug it out for the occasion. She lost a lot of weight when I did, and is back to 102 pounds. Thin looks better than fat.
Note I am in Mexico as we speak. Try it; you’ll like it. BUT, DON’T TAKE A FW TO THE STATES!!! I had more luck than sense, plus things have changed since 1975.
I clicked on your name and I got a picture of a horse. and a box that said, NO PHOTO.
What a moron. What is there about No Women Allowed you don’t understand?
But, of course, you are correct. Women don’t want to get married, so we men have to grovel and beg. In all the supermarkets, they sell GROOM magazine, and millions of men buy it, hoping to find some women who will marry him.
Your friend lives with the fantasy that his girlfriend is different. Stupid sucker. He’ll learn.
Dick, of all the important, absolutely relevant articles you’ve written, this one stands at the top.
Abso-fucking-lutely true! Every word of it!
Shit!!!!!
-10 man points for giving yourself man points
Minus man points for asking what man points are.
Can someone explain to me the all-manly table of the blessed Man Points?
Aside form the cases mentioned here, when do I gain or lose man points?
Hmm… nahh, who gives a fuck, I’ll do my own scoring. +10
Triple tit.
http://bananagrabber.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/recallln2a.jp g
Mr.Masterson’s definition of a woman as a “life support system for a vagina” is genius. Just genius. No matter how many years pass or what happens, I will forever remember this jewel from Dick.
P Coderch
Good job to learn it now, while you’re young ;)
Another Mantastic article Mr. Masterson, as always. I just bought your book as well(and broke up with my girlfriend at the same time), and it is a fine collection of your works, in one holy tome.
Never deviate from that plan.
-Dick
Wow, I’m only 15 so this could be a bad influence to me or what, but I agree with just about everything on this site a man has said. I’ve got the ultimate life plan.
1. Make awesome amounts of money
2. Don’t marry, because as soon as I do, all that hard work has gone down the fucking drain.
Beautiful countryside in Newfoundland, and very friendly people but I warn you: They speak a language of their own. I’ve worked with Newfies before and it took me awhile to catch onto their lingo. You’ll get asked at lease once “Where you to?” and “Where you hail?” I think one means where are you going, and the other is where are you from, though I’m still not 100% sure, lol
Canada does have some manliness to offer, but it’s never found in any of our big cities or in the sprawl. Probably the same in the States. I’ve heard good things about Newfoundland, though. Plan on visiting soon.
hahahaha, contrary to popular belief, we don’t have flapping heads or beady eyes, lol….
Cowgirl- Are Canadians really like how they are depicted on South Park? =)