Drunk Like a Fox
I attended a number of parties and bars this weekend and I found the number of women who wantonly threw themselves at me in a drunken stupor to be appalling — among other things. Women can handle their liquor about as well as a paper towel, and the second they consume it, they default to ranting, stumbling, harlots with a two second fuse for erupting into hysterics.
Of course, the only difference between this drunken women and a sober one is that this one will actually put out. It’s just a matter of when. Before or after she passes out.
Women’s entire lives revolve around excuses for behaving badly. PMS, pregnancy, crappy brains soaked with romantic chauvinistic delusions that they willingly embrace at every opportunity. They’re all the goddamn same. With that mindset, alcohol is like a magical giving tree that keeps on giving. If a woman feels like letting her guard and her hair down — and by both of those I mean her drawers; she turns to her best friend: Schnapps. Peach, peppermint or Danish; she loves them all. And when she does, she gives herself a golden ticket into Willy Wonka’s magical wonderland of behaving fucking terribly and “not remembering” any of it the next day.
Women’s memories are funny like that. They don’t work at all regularly, but then for some reason when alcohol is involved they work even less. I don’t know how they distinguish between the two, but I’d be willing to bet a high degree of horseshit is involved — just like it always is when women open their mouths. And I am a betting man after all — just like all men.
Men, completely unlike women, handle alcohol just like they handle everything else in life: with total class and respect.
Men do not guzzle alcohol down one sugar loaded alco-drink at a time and then throw themselves at our father-issues like a wet rag doll. We use alcohol to relax, we use it to bond, and we use it to pioneer. That’s why we discovered alcohol in the first place. To do all that shit that I just said. And that’s right, I did say pioneer. Let me give an example.
See, when sober, even men might not think that something like shaving a cat is funny — possibly due to some kind of social something or other. I don’t know what the word for it is, because it’s total bullshit and I don’t like filling my brain with such things. That’s where alcohol comes in. When properly inebriated, men will discover that not only is shaving a cat funny, but it is hilariously funny. It’s a joke that keeps on giving. Men’s instincts are right and true, and alcohol let’s us think with them unobstructed by incidentalous shit. And if I may be frank, there’s nothing more beautiful than naked man instinct.
Still not convinced? Ask yourself this. Without alcohol would any man have ever thought, I wonder if moldy bread will cure syphilis; I wonder if rolled cotton infused with carbon can conduct and sustain an operating temperature of over 2000 degrees; I wonder if the moon is all it’s cracked up to be.
The answer is ‘Yes’, but it probably would have taken a lot longer.
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August 23rd, 2005 at 4:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
I can look into a woman’s mind for the same reason that I know not to leave food on the edge of the counter if a dog is around. Dog’s like food. They’re simple creatures.
-Dick
August 23rd, 2005 at 5:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8f017666cb7a7
Actually Dick - though i do know who the person who wrote that comment about your gentitalia is, i was not involved with it. Don’t make accusations if you don’t have the facts.
Yes, i similarly would not leave food on the edge of the counter if there was a dog around, but then again, i wouldn’t leave a 6 pack on the edge of the counter if there was a man around either. Or a pack of chocolate biscuits if there was a woman around. Liking food doesn’t make you are a ’simple creature’. You seem to forget that without food, you die.
Edit by Dick
Both posts are from the same IP address 202.37.173.4, within five minutes of one another, and made with the same gibberish email. Feel free to embarrass yourself further because you don’t know what an IP address is.
August 23rd, 2005 at 8:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3dddc19b55aad
Courtney,
Women having a lower tolerance to alcohol doesn’t excuse their behaviour if/when they’re drunk. Women should be responsible for their actions. (Or at the very least for drinking enough that they were no longer in control)
Would you excuse a man for cheating on his wife because “he was drunk”?
August 24th, 2005 at 2:06 am - IP Man-Hash: 7ed127537e1bf
Where do you think the term ’shaved pussy’ came from? Sheee-it, it’s like talking to an echo chamber.
Alcohol is so mantasticly grabulous, it can turn a sour day into one filled with peace and love and light and shit. Or at least tune out the shrieking harpy that’s whining about something or another. As they do. I must concur with Dick’s assessment of the ability of females to handle the consumption of alcohol in an adult and mature way. I have yet to meet a female who doesn’t turn into a wanton harlot after a few bevvies, and if it’s a ‘night out with the girls’, then lock up your mates. Just as men do the right thing and not crack onto a friend’s partner, this doesn’t stop ole gutter mouth eyeing up the competition and wondering what the pink flesh mouth candy tastes like. And they’ll probably do it while you are standing there. And age does not weary them. Over 30’s? You could buy a Rolls if you were pimping these slappers after about a week.
Drunk and horny females. Makes as much sense as a hip pocket on a singlet.
August 24th, 2005 at 5:00 am - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
Courtney, must you behave in a dishonorable fashion because of your frustrations? In posting a false message (above) you are admitting the following:
1. You don’t have any factual informatiion with which to counter what you don’t want people to read.
2. You are aware that what Dick has said is true so, due to a lack of legitimate arguments, you have resorted to ad hominem attacks.
3. You are not articulate enough to go beyone name calling.
4. You are a huge, enflamed asshole.
August 24th, 2005 at 8:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 841b5a7609141
“otherwise you must have some MAGICAL ability to look into our minds, and know exactly what we are thinking”
I wonder, Dick…
is it even humanly possibly NOT to know what a woman is thinking?
August 24th, 2005 at 9:29 am - IP Man-Hash: 1b88cdf097680
Apparently I am supposed to be offended by this. Apparently I am supposed to disagree so vehemently that I vomit up my chardonnay and then cry into my best friend’s saggy bosom. Apparently I should adopt an Essex accent and shout something about ‘showing some respect’ while I show my thighs no respect in that slightly elongated belt I call ‘fashion’.
I prefer to adhere to Jung’s suggestion of ‘spiritus contra spiritum’ and pretend that I am not getting drunk so I can get my fanny out – no – I drink to get closer to God. Amen.
August 24th, 2005 at 11:27 am - IP Man-Hash: fc0a1f47284ec
Whilst I’m not the best at handling a couple of vodka and cranberries, my friend Johno is so abysmal that after two cans of beer he’s falling over (whilst groping whoever’s around at that particular time) constantly and throwing up. Lightweight drinkers come from both sexes.
August 24th, 2005 at 1:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
What in the hot shit was any of that nonsense chunky_munky? Oh wait, lemme guess, you’re a woman.
-Dick
August 24th, 2005 at 5:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8f017666cb7a7
The reason we have the same I.P. adress is that the computer it was done on was connected to the school network - the same one i am on. She was sitting next next to me and at the same time i wrote the message under the name ‘Courtney’, she was next to me writing the message under the name ‘Johnny’. Our school network has thousands of accounts on it, including Megz, me and Sam. It really isn’t that hard to work out.
Jimbo - have you heard of the word ‘hypocrite’ before? I advise you look it up seeing as you obviously have no clue.
August 25th, 2005 at 1:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 1b88cdf097680
My, aren’t you clever. Perhaps it was the fanny (’vagina’ for the Yanks in the room) reference which caused you to recall your anatomy lessons?
August 25th, 2005 at 4:46 am - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
Dick, like you, I can’t decipher the inane ramblings of chunky_munky. I think the reference to Jung was supposed to suggest to us that she is highly educated. The incoherence of the message, however, belies this assumption. It reminds me of those long, tangled letters to the editor of the New York Times, written with the help of a thesaurus by very fat, very pasty people with zits on their legs who think Chardonnay is sophisticated. These people, whose insides are squirming with insecurity, hope to compensate for their physical ugliness by showing the world how smart they are. “Wow! Latin!” What they fail to realize is that being understandable, using clear, simple prose in an effective way is more difficult than stringing together a lot of meaningless words. I refer chunky_munky to Strunk and White’s “Elements of Style”. Perhaps she is not completely beyond help.
August 25th, 2005 at 5:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 841b5a7609141
I think I might have translated it…
Not that it makes much more sense. She was probably drinking at the time, though; as the end of her rant seems to suggest…
———-
[original] “Apparently I am supposed to be offended by this. ”
[translation] I should be bothered by this for some reason.
[original] Apparently I am supposed to disagree so vehemently that I vomit up my chardonnay and then cry into my best
friend’s saggy bosom.
[translation] I have a fat friend, and I like to wine. I should throw up my wine, and stick my head into my fat friend’s tits and cry because this makes no sense to me; for some reason.
[original] “Apparently I should adopt an Essex accent and shout something about ‘showing some respect’ while I show my thighs no respect in that slightly elongated belt I call ‘fashion’.”
[translation] I should change the way I talk and insist on spouting knee-jerk defensive clichés while abusing my legs by wearing strange clothes, for some reason.
[original] I prefer to adhere to Jung’s suggestion of ‘spiritus contra spiritum’ and pretend that I am not getting drunk so I can get my fanny out – no – I drink to get closer to God. Amen.
[translation] Instead of doing those things, I like to pretend that I’m not actually giving out and acting like a slut. I like to pretend that I’m drinking to be closer to God. God be praised.
——–
Interesting justification for her behaviour… I don’t think Jung was talking about acting like a slut and pretending not to in his correspondence with Bill W.
August 25th, 2005 at 5:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 1b88cdf097680
I sadly regret that no amount of education, ale or swearing will make me male, although my over-use of pseudo-intellectual excuses has me well on my way.
I also refer you to ‘Blackadder’ so you can finally take grasp of British sarcasm. Perhaps you aren’t beyond humour.
August 25th, 2005 at 6:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 841b5a7609141
oops…
should have said “I have a fat friend, and I like to DRINK wine”
Boy. Is my face red.
August 25th, 2005 at 6:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Once again Dick lacks any factual evidence at all.
Also, how exactly does being on average slightly more heavyweight make men better people.
August 25th, 2005 at 8:06 am - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
I have no idea. You tell us Nicole. Is that your theory? Men are better than women because they’re heavier? That’s rather ridiculous.
chunky_munky, if you were any more unduly arrogant you’d have to start referring to yourself in the third person.
That’s how women compensate for their inability to do anything as well as men. By using big words as clumsily as possible and name dropping like fiends
-Dick
August 25th, 2005 at 9:24 am - IP Man-Hash: 1b88cdf097680
American men: fucking shite at sarcasm. Remember, dears, it is supposed to be funny.
August 25th, 2005 at 10:30 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Chunky, I think you’re mistaking my regular comment for sarcasm. You see sarcasm is actually a way of talking, but it’s a way that’s different than just speaking normally. As a woman, I’m sure you didn’t know that. Women rely on sarcasm like a broken crutch — clumsy and painful for anyone watching. I can see how you’d make the mistake.
That’s something else that women are great at. Making mistakes.
-Dick
August 25th, 2005 at 10:32 am - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
How can we “remember… it is supposed to be funny” when it isn’t funny? You tell me where your posts are funny and I’ll honestly try to see the humor in them.
I don’t think being American has anything to do with the dearth of humor in your posts; the fault lies in your not being funny. If you posted anything even vaguely funny I would acknowledge it.
Now, how about leaving so we men can discuss the issue at hand.