Drunk Like a Fox
I attended a number of parties and bars this weekend and I found the number of women who wantonly threw themselves at me in a drunken stupor to be appalling — among other things. Women can handle their liquor about as well as a paper towel, and the second they consume it, they default to ranting, stumbling, harlots with a two second fuse for erupting into hysterics.
Of course, the only difference between this drunken women and a sober one is that this one will actually put out. It’s just a matter of when. Before or after she passes out.
Women’s entire lives revolve around excuses for behaving badly. PMS, pregnancy, crappy brains soaked with romantic chauvinistic delusions that they willingly embrace at every opportunity. They’re all the goddamn same. With that mindset, alcohol is like a magical giving tree that keeps on giving. If a woman feels like letting her guard and her hair down — and by both of those I mean her drawers; she turns to her best friend: Schnapps. Peach, peppermint or Danish; she loves them all. And when she does, she gives herself a golden ticket into Willy Wonka’s magical wonderland of behaving fucking terribly and “not remembering” any of it the next day.
Women’s memories are funny like that. They don’t work at all regularly, but then for some reason when alcohol is involved they work even less. I don’t know how they distinguish between the two, but I’d be willing to bet a high degree of horseshit is involved — just like it always is when women open their mouths. And I am a betting man after all — just like all men.
Men, completely unlike women, handle alcohol just like they handle everything else in life: with total class and respect.
Men do not guzzle alcohol down one sugar loaded alco-drink at a time and then throw themselves at our father-issues like a wet rag doll. We use alcohol to relax, we use it to bond, and we use it to pioneer. That’s why we discovered alcohol in the first place. To do all that shit that I just said. And that’s right, I did say pioneer. Let me give an example.
See, when sober, even men might not think that something like shaving a cat is funny — possibly due to some kind of social something or other. I don’t know what the word for it is, because it’s total bullshit and I don’t like filling my brain with such things. That’s where alcohol comes in. When properly inebriated, men will discover that not only is shaving a cat funny, but it is hilariously funny. It’s a joke that keeps on giving. Men’s instincts are right and true, and alcohol let’s us think with them unobstructed by incidentalous shit. And if I may be frank, there’s nothing more beautiful than naked man instinct.
Still not convinced? Ask yourself this. Without alcohol would any man have ever thought, I wonder if moldy bread will cure syphilis; I wonder if rolled cotton infused with carbon can conduct and sustain an operating temperature of over 2000 degrees; I wonder if the moon is all it’s cracked up to be.
The answer is ‘Yes’, but it probably would have taken a lot longer.
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August 23rd, 2005 at 2:56 am - IP Man-Hash: c925c30636906
Shaving a cat is funny?
You have serious issues if you get your kicks by putting another living being through something like that.
Yes i agree with you that women are far more sensitive to alchohol than men, but what exactly are you trying to prove by stating this fact? There is more than life to alchohol Dick. A lot more.
August 23rd, 2005 at 9:04 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Incorrect Courtney. Shaving a cat is hilarious.
Putting a living being through something like that? Jebus. Call the melodrama police. Did it ever occur to you that cats like to be shaved? I would if hypothetically wanting to be a cat wasn’t a major loss of man points. But it is so I really have no idea.
Women are not more sensitive to alcohol than men. Women just jump on any chance that strolls their way for the opportunity to act like total whores. Alcohol is one of them.
I’ve seen it a thousand times.
-Dick
August 23rd, 2005 at 9:34 am - IP Man-Hash: b0e7aae980b2e
Shaving cats is not only hilarious, it is good for the cat. A bald cat can’t develop hairballs or have fleas. And what, Courtney, do you mean by “…there’s a lot more than life to alcohol”? Are you drunk? If you are, here’s a chickenleg for you.
August 23rd, 2005 at 4:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8f017666cb7a7
Dick, your dick is not impressive.
Trust me on this people, please.
He’s as homosexual as a pink shirt.
I would know.
Edit from Dick:
This is actually Courtney posting under a false name.
August 23rd, 2005 at 4:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8f017666cb7a7
What i mean by ‘there’s more to life than alchohol’ is exactly what i said. There is far more to life than getting drunk.
And Dick - there is scientific evidence to prove that women have lower alchohol tolerance than men. I am beginning to think that you ARE in fact, a woman, otherwise you must have some MAGICAL ability to look into our minds, and know exactly what we are thinking. Do you honestly think women act drunk on purpose? That makes me laugh.