Men Have Bouncier Brains
Women are whores of many things. First of all, they are actual whores, which I’ve already proven. They’re also attention whores of course. That’s another obvious one. Then clothing whores and jewelry whores and shoe whores, but that’s all pretty much the same kind of whore — a money whore.
It comes as a major shock to me — which as a man I express in a simple, “Hmm, that’s interesting,” that women are also whores of a completely different colour.
Women are also memory whores.
I’ve often gone on record saying that women have the memories of goldfish. A goldfish is a creature that will eat itself to death because it has forgotten the act of similarly gorging itself not five minutes ago. Goldfish will also eat their own shit. They are a foul and slimy creature kept in tanks by the hundreds in wait for their one and only purpose — to sustain life. The comparisons to women are innumerable.
Saying women have the memories of goldfish, however, isn’t exactly true is it? No, the truth is that women remember shitloads of things. We all know it. They just don’t remember anything worth a damn like directions or to bring their fun attitude or that work doesn’t start at 9:35 it actually fucking starts at 9:00. That’s why women having no memories is something that I like to call a man-truth. A man-truth is something that while not true at the moment due to a glaring contradiction, will probably be true at some point in the future with more evidence or consideration.
That future is now.
A recent article that I’ll post at the bottom says the ability to think critically, AKA take care of business and get the job done, is not a function of memory, but of selective memory. Sound interesting? You bet your man ass it is. Let me give an example.
Let’s say that thinking critically is like flushing a toilet. You have your problem floating in the bowl and the solution comes about as you flush the handle. A bunch of swirly shit happens (unless you’re in Australia where I’ve been lead to believe that the water doesn’t swirl clockwise as it does here. It just drops straight into the drain) and when all the noise is over, the problem is gone.
That’s how a man brain works. Problem, flush, solved.
A woman’s brain is exactly like the above, except that before she even starts thinking, the bowl is already chock full of shit. As any man can tell you, a toilet chock full of anything — especially shit — is not going to flush. Fuck what’s it’s going to do is make one hell of a huge, horrible mess — which only makes this metaphor ten times more man-true, because that’s exactly what happens when women think — a huge, horrible mess.
So what’s the problem here? The problem is that if brains were nightclubs, men’s brains have huge burly dudes out front who look like they used to stunt double for that guy Zeus in the movie No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan. They don’t take any bullshit and if you’re dressed like a slob, you don’t get in. Anniversary? Who gives a shit about you, get to the end of the line. Women, however, have a sign out front with a bowl of candy that says “Please only take one” that all the assholes ignore the fuck out of as they pack the nightclub until the poor guy in the Get Your Oil Changed T-Shirt with the Don’t Act Like a Bitch brand slacks can’t even fit his hand in the door.
Women are memory whores. They have no concept of priority in memory just like they have no concept of priority in life. If you’ve ever seen a woman try to balance a $5 cup of coffee or a baby on top of her car while pumping gas, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
And that’s a man-truth.
Related Articles:
December 16th, 2005 at 5:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Internet Explorer can’t cope with how Female uses the Quote tag. She’s banned until she learns how to use it properly.
-Dick
December 16th, 2005 at 5:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Why don’t you get FireFox then genius. Women are smarter than the systems men design.
December 16th, 2005 at 6:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: d754ab99d7c00
I assume you mean Firefox rather than FireFox (since you tend to be quite pedantic about correcting others’ typos).
It’s interesting to note that Michelle Baker (the nominal head of the Firefox team) defers “on all technical matters” to men. (See here [economist.com])
Now I’m sure in your mind “all technical mattersâ€? have little to do with web browser development. In fact, you’ve just failed the test for “women are smarter”.
Female, you’ve jumped the shark. You did so a long time ago. At this point, you are embarrassing yourself.
-wolfe
December 16th, 2005 at 8:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: 957564b4aff6d
It seems to be cleared up now. The print still seems smaller than before, but it is legible.
December 16th, 2005 at 8:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 957564b4aff6d
I guess I’m not really a woman, despite my genitalia. I’ve gladly accepted a man’s trench-coat to wear when cold.
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to hand out man-points, but I’ll give Ian points of some kind for wearing a trench-coat. =)
December 16th, 2005 at 9:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Thanks for your patronising feedback, once again. It never feels old.
I said: Man Law 5. The only thing men pay attention to are boobs.
Ian said: Well, if ya’ll wouldn’t go around showing ‘em off, we wouldn’t have that problem now would we?
I say: this is a good demonstration of the male pattern of inconsistency (you thought I was going to say baldness, didn’t you?). When women wear hijabs, buknuks or anything else which covers up most of their body they are feared and thought to be extremely weird if not outright dangerous and thus worthy of western male condemnation. Men spend the majority of their lives attempting to get a woman to remove her clothes, of course once she does, she’s told she really shouldn’t be doing that, inviting trouble and all. Here’s what I say. Cleavage = Power. Use it.
You said something about women liking the colour pink, I said, “We do, I wear it all the time. Right now I am enjoying the colour watermelon.�
Ian said: Good, so what’s the problem if we throw the reds and whites in together? It’s more efficient.
I say: I don’t know you, say again why I would be doing the laundry with you? Efficiency is good though, and pink is great. Men look hot in pink, especially Bf xxx.
You said: Sounds like you were dating a woman whose plumbing simply got mixed up in utero, though.
I say: Lucky I was referring to ex-bf in this case. No, he was just whipped that’s all (These are not my words).
December 16th, 2005 at 10:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
As a woman I have been told that a natural talent is the ability to detect patterns. Patterns in noise, patterns in relationships, patterns in fabric. You name it, women have patterns covered. So, am just wondering, dick do you work at a petrol station?
December 17th, 2005 at 3:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 43b82d224b348
Female saying women are smarter really does put a new meaning to the word “smart”!
Now we have patterns ?
No, female. It’s only you that can see the patterns and no, they are not patterns they are the images produced by your brain. It happens when you fail to take your medicine on time.
Naughty girl, bad girl….
December 17th, 2005 at 5:40 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
You’re right CJ, a man told me about women having a natural talent to detect patterns so it must be bullshit.
December 17th, 2005 at 9:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 6c059e71336cb
“I say: this is a good demonstration of the male pattern of inconsistency (you thought I was going to say baldness, didn’t you?). When women wear hijabs, buknuks or anything else which covers up most of their body they are feared and thought to be extremely weird if not outright dangerous and thus worthy of western male condemnation. Men spend the majority of their lives attempting to get a woman to remove her clothes, of course once she does, she’s told she really shouldn’t be doing that, inviting trouble and all. Here’s what I say. Cleavage = Power. Use it.”
I was being tongue-in-cheek, my dear. I find it quite easy to maintain eye-contact, even when I find the woman to be incredibly hot. It’s called self-control, which femenists have all-but eliminated from Western culture in their willingness to put out.
I’ll be generous and give you a little tidbit of man-knowledge: it all depends on context. A man is more likely to stare at cleavage when a woman is engaged in some annoying diatribe about what her best friend’s boyfriend did last week, fashion, or some other superficial womanly-thing in which a man is (rightly) totally disinterested. If you can talk (intelligently, mind you) about something that will actually hold a man’s interest, like the dangers of fiat-money and centralized banking, why the 1911A1 is the best firearm ever, or quantum non-locality, well, eye-contact becomes easy for men because you have (through overcoming your own reptililian-brain) found a way to hold his interest beyond his reptilian-brain. Higher brain functions are far more powerful than cleavage. I have no fear in telling you this, as you will ignore it as useless anyway. Arielle, as she is obviously an intelligent woman, understands what I am saying.
“I say: Lucky I was referring to ex-bf in this case. No, he was just whipped that’s all (These are not my words).”
So we are actually in agreement. “Whipped” is just a shorter way of saying his genitals were mis-assigned in the womb. Back to the point, though: men are budgetary geniuses, which is why we become important things like CFOs, economists, mutual-fund managers, and financial planners…or independently wealthy.
And to the bonny-sweet lass Arielle, your husband is fortunate–nay, blessed to have found you.
December 17th, 2005 at 2:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Ian, to imply that all men who have overcome their “reptilian” brain can control themselves from gawking at cleavage is laughable. In my experience it is the intelligent ones who are the most interested in gazing and less than subtle about it. Not that I think they are aware of what they are doing or for how long. Probably simply unconscious, their eyes being attracted to something no doubt they haven’t actually seen in a while, what with all their high powered jet set travelling here and there (what an awful life - been there, done there, doesn’t impress me, sorry).
December 18th, 2005 at 8:29 am - IP Man-Hash: a0c7c73d83830
Who cares.
-Dick
December 19th, 2005 at 4:56 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
You didn’t answer my question? Do you pump gas for a living? There is no shame in that and far better than someone who just likes “hanging” around gas stations. In my country, you would be called a petrol sniffer which is one step down from a methylated spirits drinker.
December 19th, 2005 at 7:39 am - IP Man-Hash: e7cfb013b4104
In your cuntry, you let the sand apes roam free on the beaches and beat up innocent Aussie lifeguards, then you call the police on your own men and young people, because your peanut brain hates seeing the good guys fighting back.
You liberal bitches need a square kick in the ass, or better yet force you to marry Bobby Brown, I think Shitney Houston is nearing her liberal end too. Not much use to anyone are you female ?
No, I don’t think so…
December 19th, 2005 at 11:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 577d18009a748
Dick i have to know what made you start this site, i am a proud supporter of it but i have to know how it all started, did you finally deal with one nagging bitch too many?
December 19th, 2005 at 12:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0877a9ba01503
Probably, who among the men here has not dealt with some crazy bitch at some point in his life ? Just look at female !
December 19th, 2005 at 1:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: d754ab99d7c00
Mars: That’s an excellent question. Like you, I’d enjoy hearing the answer.
-wolfe
December 19th, 2005 at 3:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Like most great things invented by man, it was conceived over a pint and ended in tears (hence the No Women Allowed warning). I’ll write up the whole story and put it in the About section somewhere, but it went something like this.
Person 1: “Okay, but that’s only three reasons why men are better than women.”
Person 2: “No. That’s just three off the top of my head.”
I’ll leave it to you all to genderize the persons in question.
-Dick
December 19th, 2005 at 8:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: d754ab99d7c00
Heh. Thanks Dick. I look forward to reading the long version, but that’s pretty good all on its own.
-wolfe
December 20th, 2005 at 1:02 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
“In your cuntry, you let the sand apes roam free on the beaches… ”
UP, What do you suggest we do? Go all apartheid a la South Africa and ban all other nationalities from the beach? This is a free country. Your racism is disgusting.
“…and beat up innocent Aussie lifeguards” It has not yet come to light how that was started and I doubt it will.
“then you call the police on your own men and young people, because your peanut brain hates seeing the good guys fighting back.”
Excuse me, but the riot occurred because 5,000 stupid Australian men decided to get extremely drunk at what was supposed to be a peaceful protest. Next thing, some idiot white supremacist (probably much like yourself) starts inciting the pissed crowd to take revenge. So like a pack of wild dogs they descended on anyone (man, woman and young teenagers) who did not have light skin. Horrendous scenes. No one needed to call the cops, as they had already shut down the local pubs, bottle shops etc earlier in the day. These pissheads had started drinking around 9.30am!! Men + gang + alcohol = ignorant buffoons.
But it’s all a necessary process really, the undercurrent of insidious racism in this country is now on the table to be addressed. People are being forced to be respectful to one another if they don’t want to come across like their taking a side and it’s a very good thing. I don’t expect you to understand and you can now start dribbling your usual crap.