Killing Me Softly
Since the beginning of time, man has sought to cheat death by doing the dirty deed himself. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about suicide.
While I don’t personally think suicide is the way to go, I understand the mantality of it — a mantality that can be expressed as simply as, “That’ll show the bastard.” It’s the way we men have lived and loved since Mother Earth felt her first Five Across the Eyes in the form of plowshare and a patch of turnips.
“Herd be damned,” said primitave man. “Because of my mighty mangenuity, this is where I’m living from now on. Right where I planted these turnips. And if I so chose, this is where I’ll be dying, by lifting a massive boulder and then dropping it on my head.”
You have to respect that.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt suicide than men.
Typical. Of course you could replace the word “suicide” in the above text with absolutely whatever the fuck you wanted and it would still be accurate.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit to a monogamous relationship than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt to balance a family and a career — or a simple fucking checkbook — than men.
We all knew where that was going. Men get the job done, plain and simple. Be it for reasons of gambling debts, desperate loneliness, or simple oldness; men know how to do everything with their lives, including end them, while women just know how to fill out credit card applications, adopt another cat, or keep draining the system until it’s as dry as they are — respectively.
So why are the success rates so wildly different? It seems obvious, that women who overdose on pills or try to tip a vending machine on top of themselves are just crying for attention, but is that the case? Maybe, but what if it’s something else?
What if women just don’t know how the body works. Here’s an example: if you ask a man how to get in shape every single one will tell you the exact same thing, “Eat less, exercise more.” It’s the miracle diet that has kept men in their primes for thousands of years. Ask a woman the same question, however, and you’re likely to hear some fancy sounding bullshit.
“Resolve your emotional issues with your mother by taking a class at the learning annex.” Wherein she means snacking on Doritos in the back of a Religious Studies seminar whilst learning about the prevalence of angels and fairies and other mystical shit.
“Carbs are the devil.” Right. Too bad we’ll never know what the effect of a woman not gorging herself on carbs is; seeing as how none of them can keep the fucking sugar loaded coffee drinks and snack foods out of their gaping maws.
And then comes the mother of all fitness fuck ups: “Yoga”.
My point is, women are so lousy at suicide because they actually don’t know how the fuck the human body works. It seems simple enough to us men; put a bullet in the brain and it stops working, however, the same principle of put a donut in your gut and it gets bigger is completely lost on women. They just don’t understand cause and effect like us men do.
Then again, maybe it’s a little of both: attention whoring mixed with women and their rampant dumbness. There’s only one thing we know for sure, and that’s no man has ever killed himself while he was pregnant. Sadly, the same can’t be said for women.
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Piss off with your false professions of devotion; women are devoid of love. Only men possess the capacity to truly love another human being unconditionally.
Dick, I’m a woman, but I love you. Seriously, most of the things you say are true, and when stupid women call your voice mail, they’re basically proving your point.
I love you!
Some men light ‘Monica cigars’ over what women fucked up that day to find their balls in their pants-
Other men know there are balls in their pants, and light their cigars over huge piles of profit.
You can not be both.
Do you know where your balls are?
Agree or disagree with this dude, but he does have the right to express his opinions. Looks like you’re sick and tired of feminism, my man.
You’re proud that you can kill yourself. Good for you, nice accomplishment.
So now men are better as killing themselves?
You are quite proud of that aren’t you, why don’t you test that….
The taking of one’s life is a serious matter and you are bragging about it?
Kind.
And tell me where you get these statisctic?
It’s just great that you are able to make these things up and people will believe you, but that is only because they believe anything you say, it’s quite funny that they hold you as a sort of God
ooooo statistics =P
Merry Christmas, Christian, and Happy Christmas/Hannukah/New Year to all, even the women.
-wolfe
The bitch is just an attention whore.
Merry christmas to all Men.
I agree Dan, but her name says it all. Women can not reason their way out of a wet paper bag and when it comes to thinking objectively…well, I think you know where this is going.
Do you know what I really like about clown shoes, I like the way the advertising of them is just so clowny. Normally when you want to buy shoes, they are positioned perfectly responsibly in an upright manner, sometimes you see both, but usually you just see one. It’s not like you need a second shoe there for the other one to be interacting with in any way. They’re both the same, one picture is enough, thanks for asking.
This of course does not apply to clown shoes. Their colour and style is simply not enough to indicate the sheer craziness of their character and they must be positioned at strange and illogical angles to each other to get the message across.
http://www.clownsoport.com/InStockMain2.htm
Another interesting fact about clown shoes is that they are a right fucking rip off, but not to worry, if you can’t afford $500 buck for a pair, you can just get all clowny creative and make your very own. Joy!
http://www.clown-shoes.com/shoe-best-value.shtml
You’re correct in saying that it is a waste of my time to rebut her statements. Where I think you’re wrong is when you think she’s somehow formulating these statements just to get a reaction. She posts them for the reaction, but the beliefs are truly hers.
Dan, do you really believe that female cares about whether her conclusions are rubbish? She doesn’t. I doubt she’s serious about most of the things she writes here. She is merely here to punish you and anybody else who even remotely agrees with Dick. So..why waste your time giving her any sensible rebuttal? You are only playing into her hands.
Female, my dear, I’m not here to entertain you. You are here to entertain me. Thank you
I’m afraid I do not shop where you and Ronald do.
http://www.clownsoport.com/InStockMain2.htm
What in the fuck!? “We” have proved? I don’t know which logical fallacy to start with. 1) You’re not in a group that would be considered scientists and 2) even if there were a “we” they would have proved nothing. This is because your conclusion is absolute rubbish. I’ve reserved this term for only the most egregious of offenders, and I certainly have no problem saying that you are a joke…fucking clown shoes.
Man Law, what are we up to now? 11?
Man Law 11. Men are oblivious. It’s so obvious.
For those coming in late, in Man Law 1, we learnt that men cannot see. This is not to say they are completely blind and live in a world of dark (Dick, being the one and only exception to this) but rather, men cannot see inanimate objects, unless those animate objects are shiny and/or new.
As soon as an object becomes >5 weeks old with a layer of dust on it, it loses shine and then becomes invisible to mancrap vision. You might think that if the dust was cleaned off an object that it would regain its shine and men would be able to discover it again, alas, this is an impossible fantasy because in order for the dust to be removed, a man must be able to see dust.
And as we know and as scientists have proved, men cannot see dust. The men on this board have admitted this themselves, perhaps in an attempt to absolve themselves from cleaning. Feministic conspiracy theorists have taken on the Dust, can men actually see it? debate and tossed in the argument that men can see dust, but they deny this due to not wanting to be seen flipping about like a ballet dancer with a feathery pink duster in their hands. I can’t say I blame them.
Getting back to the topic, men can’t see their special things lost under layers of dust and so to them shit constantly goes missing. Ergo, their constant questioning of women for the directions to the location of special missing object. For example, their brain.
It’s boring that I have to see your words.
Ahhhhh, back to the name-calling, gender-questioning, 3rd grade antics. What adolescent predictability!
“Grump, one minute you love me, the next you hate me. Make up your borderline personality disordered mind (no offence to any other BPDs reading this site)”
It’s interesting how you misconstrue my words.
Yes, I hope that’s the last time I have to read another of your pathetic whines for me to leave. You’re not KingofMisogyny by any chance?
Maybe just his transgender boyfriend then.
Female, please, the door is right over there. No one is impressed by any of your (what I’m sure you believe to be very) witty retorts. All you do is reaffirm what we already know about your sad, sad gender. Tell your boyfriend we’re all sorry for him. Goodbye. (Hopefully for the last time)
Where is your police station geezer? Are you “on the beat” or a desk jockey?
Hiding behind it, never, proudly displaying it, most certainly and most mantastically. Now why would her boyfriend wish ill of me, as I have no quarrel with him and if her boyfriend is indeed in law enforcement officer, then there can be no quarrel for not only are we men, but part of a brotherhood as well. If it is my comments about Female that he is unhappy with, then perhaps he should keep her off this site.
Oldone, as an officer of the law I mean no disrespect to you when I say that it probably wouldn’t be considered mantastic to hide behind your badge. I think Female also mentioned her boyfriend was going to the beach to do some target practice, so perhaps he is also in law enforcement?
Female said “Says he’s going down to the beach to get some target practice, then he’s coming for you. Have fun!!1!1!11″
Typical, a woman gets herself into trouble and requires a man to bail her out. Also you might want to inform your “boyfriend” that it is not a good thing to threaten to do bodily harm to an Officer of the Law. Though, I see by the fact that he is with you, his Man-judgement is some what gone.
“So, rather than threatening him, I and perhaps all men here should give a moment of silence for a fallen man, caught by Female. Let us all bow our heads.”
*snort* ROFLMAO. Don’t worry, he loves it. LOLZ
Grump loves you the way I love the Darwin Awards.
Indeed Dick, perhaps there is still hope for him, all may not be lost.
No wonder Female hates this site so much. If her boyfriend ever got ahold of it, he would exorcize the shrew.
-Dick
Female said: “So, what you are saying is that I am wrong in saying that men are better than everything? and Dick, you agree with Dan on this? So simple, why the hell didn’t I use reverse psychology in the first five minutes on this site!!!! ”
I can answer that Female, it is because you know not what reverse psychology means. In fact i am sure you learned this term recently from either your own psychological therapist, or perhaps on Oprah or some other equally absurd woman’s show.
Now as for your threats pertaining to your boyfriend, as with most other things in your pathetic excuse for a life. I am of the belief, that he is just as imaginary as the rest of your friends. Either that or he is locked in the same psych-ward as you. There is of course the possiblility that said boyfriend, was caught in the coils of your serpent like tentacles and the life and manliness were subsequently drained from him. Thus allowing his truly un-manly decision to be with you. So, rather than threatening him, I and perhaps all men here should give a moment of silence for a fallen man, caught by Female. Let us all bow our heads.
Pfft. Could you get any more snobby?
Female said:
“How come I have now tried several times to post a reply to the man who has named himself after a wild dog and these posts do not appear?”
When it says “Your comment is being held for moderation� what it actually means is that your comment is being held for moderation. Try using your eyes and your brain at the same time. Oh wait, women are shit at multitasking.
-Dick
That comment about my post being held for moderation did not appear dick, if it had I would have seen it because remember I do not have substandard man eyes. Maybe you should create a FAQ section, call it FARK, if you want to sound tough and manly and put in a disclaimer about whether it is better to use IE or Firefox when viewing this site.
We do not all see the same things obviously.
Esther, truly awful name you’ve picked for yourself there. Are you a fan of Madge?
Grump, one minute you love me, the next you hate me. Make up your borderline personality disordered mind (no offence to any other BPDs reading this site)
Dan (oh looky Dan, this is my xmas present to you),
Female said:
Man Law 1 in action. The word was “everything� you idiots!!1!11
You won’t be happy if I stay? Promise?
Dan said:
My orginal statement stands. “Men are better than everythingâ€? doesn’t make any sense either. It was the idea of the statement, not the semantics, that made it incorrect.”
So, what you are saying is that I am wrong in saying that men are better than everything? and Dick, you agree with Dan on this? So simple, why the hell didn’t I use reverse psychology in the first five minutes on this site!!!!
Is she gone yet? Can the adults continue our conversation?
P.S. - Yes, I’m of the male persuasion, but Esther is a hilarious name.
“Men are better than everything. Happy?”
What she means is that your towering intellects are too much for her to grasp. She is exasperated, afraid, and utterly confounded.
‘then he’s coming for you.’
female, I, too, can fake a threat. Your boyfriend would not receive death, but extreme pain until I’m finished with him. I’d have to immobilize him first, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. Doesn’t that sound funny to you?
First, I’d get that muzzle and wrap it tightly around your head…
“(You won’t catch me hanging around much longer, don’t worry about that. You truly are all a bunch of absolute arseholes).”
Oh, promises, promises…
we’ll see if you can resist…
but really, female, what did you expect? You’re such a hypocrite.
My orginal statement stands. “Men are better than everything” doesn’t make any sense either. It was the idea of the statement, not the semantics, that made it incorrect.
When it says “Your comment is being held for moderation” what it actually means is that your comment is being held for moderation. Try using your eyes and your brain at the same time. Oh wait, women are shit at multitasking.
-Dick
It’s so cute to see Female use words and hysterically fly into all caps. Sadly, Female, words have meanings and those words do not mean what you think they do.
I’ve only seen Dick edit you once — he did eliminate one glorious post of yours that used eight quote indents and was unreadable. I was actually slightly sad he did so, since it indicated your spectacular skill at posting, but it was admittedly a blatant grab for attention on your part.
As for wild dog man, amusing, but you have internal causality backwards, and it shows your lack of reading. And breeding.
-wolfe
Thanks E, I responded to you before, but of course that wasn’t allowed to be displayed. Dick likes to edit what I can and cannot say. It is nice to see a normal male here for once. I hope you decide to stay for a while.
O well. Wild dog man, this reply is to you.
This
“I am aware of my own fallibility”
and
“I do not suffer from compound ignorance.”
M U T U A L L Y
E X C L U S I V E
Shall I also say the H word?
Stranger and stranger. Methinks a little creative editing is going on here dick. How come I have now tried several times to post a reply to the man who has named himself after a wild dog and these posts do not appear?
I’m a guy and having analysed your blog, all I have to say is: Who let you out?
Seriously, when it comes to “stupid factor”, your blog reall takes the cake.
Ladies, I advise you not to waste your words on this fool. Use your time more constructivley and let the idiot rant and rave for all he’s worth.
“Not being you, I am aware of my own fallibility”
“… and do not suffer from compound ignorance.”
Mutually exclusive
http://www.hardcoretruth.com/Hypocrisy/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrite
I would quote you but it seems I have been banned from quoting LOLZ.
It sure is.
Hmmmm
In the words of dick, “those two sentences are mutually exclusive”
Tsk Tsk,
and don’t forget to drop by this site on your lunch break
wolfe when I want your opinion I’ll ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.
Language is fun. Thanks for a ray of sunshine, Esther.
And Female, I believe Esther is male, though I could of course be wrong on that. Not being you, I am aware of my own fallibility and do not suffer from compound ignorance.
-wolfe
Christ. You’re back are you? In response to your post all of it is shit except the first sentence. You tell me I’ve “copped” out on explaining for the men the reasoning behind my initial post. Well, sorry to tell you this Esther, but I’m sure they really couldn’t care less about that. As they already think they are better than everything, why would they waste their time reading what a female thinks? As they’ve repeatedly made clear, we have nothing to teach them and are purely only allowed here for their entertainment (You won’t catch me hanging around much longer, don’t worry about that. You truly are all a bunch of absolute arseholes).
However Esther, that I know that the men here already think they are better than everything is not the reason I did not deconstruct my statement. Why I did not do that is because my post wasn’t to the men here, it was a reply to Arielle, and in case you haven’t heard I have previously advised her that I do not wish to converse with her. So why would I bother going into an extended dialogue with her? Pretty simple really, I wouldn’t.
Now, sorry to disappoint you (again, obviously) but I do not wish to argue/debate or fight with you. So if you do reply to my post with venom, I shall simply ignore it.
Female, it’s like you’re not even trying anymore. To be petty, I could bring up the fact that “meant” is not a conjunction, but pettiness is a chore better left to women. I could then go on to say that “I won’t start explaining….commence.” is nothing but typical cop-out bullshit that women use to insinuate that men cannot reason analytically and “switch off” when forced to do so. The very statement itself resembles that exact behavior: The female instinct to replace rational thought and reason with smoke and mirrors, all while trying to make the other person (often a man) appear to be the one unwilling to engage in the conjecture.
I *could* say those things…but then that would just encourage another junior-high response out of you and I don’t know how much more of that I can take. I hope you take my mean’ing.
You have no idea what I mean’t, so how can you doubt that I did not mean one thing over something else? I mean’t what I mean’t. I won’t start explaining though cause men switch off when analytical deconstructions commence.
You know, I have to say I’d rather have my husband and son than anything else. To me, they are better than everything. ;) Of course, I very much doubt that is what Female meant!
He says you’re a dead man walking. hee hee.
Says he’s going down to the beach to get some target practice, then he’s coming for you. Have fun!!1!1!11
Do you have a boyfriend Female? I would like to buy him a christmas gift, a muzzle for you.
Man Law 1 in action. The word was “everything” you idiots!!1!11
You won’t be happy if I stay? Promise?
Dan, you beat me to it.
Men are better than anything? I would be surprised if that didn’t remind me of every single argument with a woman I’ve ever had.
Stage 3: The Spouting of Jibberish.
-Dick
“Men are better than anything” doesn’t make any sense, but you not making sense is nothing new. And no, as long as you continue to post here no one will be happy, truly.
“Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.”
LOLZ
It’s called unconscious natural selection.
You know what, I am tired of beating my head against your empty ones.
Men are better than everything. Happy?